Page 198 of Red Marked

“I lied to you.” He keeps his eyes on the plate. “Not just to you. It’s something I lie about. Only my closest friends know the truth.” He starts working the rim of the plate again.

“Okay.”

Flint puts the plate down and clasps his hands.

“You’re going to think it’s silly, but it’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I’m ashamed of it, I guess. I’ve been to therapy, and it helped, but…” He grimaces. “The fact that I still lie about it tells me I need more time on the couch. Magma keeps telling me to go back for more sessions.” He smiles, and I know he’s thinking about his friend. It doesn’t last. “My mother didn’t die. She packed up and left my father and me soon after my first birthday.”

“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”

I press my lips together to shut myself up. I can tell he isn’t finished.

“It’s unheard of for a shifter to abandon their child, but that’s what she did. She left us. She left me…her son. Apparently, I cried for her every day. I don’t remember any of it. We saw her once, maybe six or seven months after she left. My dad said I had started to improve, and seeing her set me back.” He unclasps his hands and rubs them on his pants before clasping them again. “When I turned sixteen, I looked her up and went to see her.”

He goes quiet. He stares at the blank television screen on the wall, and I can see him working through it, deciding what to say next or how to say it.

“She invited me in. She made me a sandwich. She was really nice to me.” He swallows. “She said she was glad I had turned out so well. I sat at her kitchen table and thought, this is it. I get my mother back.”

My heart bleeds for him because I know what’s coming next.

I know.

“When I left, she walked me to the door and told me not to come back. She was glad she’d seen me, and glad I got the chance to close that chapter of my life. She said she wasn’t cut out to be a mother. Not then and not now.” He blows out a breath. “Then she shut the door in my face.” His voice turns gruff.

“I’m so sorry.” The words are hollow. Nothing I say could fix a thing like that. Not one thing. “I can’t imagine how that must have felt. What it must have done to you.”

A tear runs down my cheek. I let it fall and keep my mouth closed.

“It fucked me up, Star.” He says it to the floor in a soft voice that undoes me. “It fucked me up more than I already was. My dad was my constant. He was always there, trying to make up for what she did, and I made him pay for it. I got into trouble at school. I started fucking around. Being with a female made me feel better for a short while; it numbed me, so I did it more and more.” He glances at me. “I guess I have mommy issues.” He smiles. There’s so much sorrow there; it hurts me to see it.

“I don’t know how I made it through school, but I did. I scraped through by the seat of my pants. After that, I couldn’t hold down a job. I was angry at my dad. I was angry at the whole world. Then I met Magma, and I got a job on the Frontline; it gave me something to hold on to. I pulled myself together. My dad and I are rock solid now. But I kept fucking around for years, and I hated myself for it every single time. Then I stopped, and I’ve been better. So much better.” He pushes out a breath. “I’ve started to realize it wasn’t about me. Her leaving, I mean. It was a choice she made, and it had nothing to do with me. I know it, but I’m still…I still have this hollow part inside of me. I’m still a little broken, but at least I understand it better now.”

“I’m glad, Flint.” I put my half-eaten cobbler on the desk.

“I’m hers, though, Star. I’m her son.” His voice goes rough. “I never want to be that person. Why did she mate my father? Why did she have me? Why do it? Then I think that maybe she didn’t know she didn’t want us until she had us…until she had me.” He shrugs. “I am her son.”

“You aren’t like her.” I shake my head.

“You don’t know that. I don’t know that either.” He squeezes his thighs before letting go. “All those years, I only ever thought about myself. I never thought about my dad and what he went through. For a shifter to lose a mate is like losing a limb, or worse. It must have been agony, especially with her still living on Draig Island. She still lives there, but she may as well be dead. For years, I told myself she was. If anyone asked, that’s what I told them.” He looks down at his hands in his lap. “I’m fucked up in the ways that matter. I have set myself straight, but I have no idea what kind of male I would be. A part of me was hurt so badly that it has never healed. That’s why I will never take a mate, and I will never, ever have children. I can’t take that chance.”

I wait until he looks at me.

“I think you’re so much better than you give yourself credit for. Somewhere deep down, you still believe there’s something wrong with you. You believe you’re flawed, and that’s why your mother walked away. You believe you weren’t worth staying for. That isn’t true. That’s all I’m going to say about it. I’m glad you told me. Thank you for trusting me with this part of yourself. It doesn’t define you, though. I really hope you realize that one day.”

“You sound like Magma.” He laughs softly. It’s a sad sound.

“He’s a wise male.”

He laughs again, a little less sad this time. “I don’t know why I told you all of this.”

“So that I don’t cry when you walk away.”

His head snaps toward me. “Please don’t. Fuck, Star. I don’t want to hurt you. I⁠—”

“I’m fine.” I put my hand on his knee. “I know where we stand. I’ve known from the start, and that hasn’t changed. I do think you should give yourself a break at some point. I hope you change your mind one day. You’d make an amazing mate, and an even better father.”

He’s shaking his head before I finish.

“I know you’re nowhere near ready.” I pick my dessert back up even though I’m not hungry. “And I’m kind of jealous of the female you’ll finally end up with. Not that I’ve let myself fall for you or anything.” I laugh. “Although if you keep feeding me like this, it might happen by accident.”