Page 166 of The Ninth

“Yo lil ass crazy. I know you sore and now you want it again?” he smirked.

“I don’t want it again. I just...want you to stay.”

“And do what?”

My heart broke. “Just be together...”

He hesitated, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He had on a Carhartt shirt with their cargo shorts. His long locs were of course thrown into a mess at the top of his head. I wasn’t ready to be apart. I’m tired of this.

Finally, he walked to the bench at the bottom of the bed, sitting. We both sat in silence along with the elephant in the room. My feelings were hurt seeing us behave in a way we never had before. We’re better than this. Our love is too strong. I have to focus on my part and my part only.

With that, I stood and walked to the dresser. I sat beside him after throwing on one of his t-shirts. Taking a deep breath in, I intertwined my fingers with his.

“There was no one else. Just Juan. I didn’t fuck him the entire time, just after four years. It only lasted this past year. I stopped seeing Juan about a month and some days before you came home...”

I explained how we met, the exact night I broke, and the promise we made between each other. Being honest, I told my man that I did do extra shit with Juan besides fucking like riding around with him or sleeping at his spot. I told Kenzo how many times a week I would see him. Where all we fucked. That we fucked raw every single time. That we kissed. That I didn’t stop it even when I knew he was in too deep. The last night I seen him in the club. Our last texts. Everything.

“Were you ever on the phone with me in front of him?”

“The sneeze you heard was Juan’s. The only other time was when you called me about the block party. I...I was at his place.”

He chuckled, “I knew you were with a nigga, Cassie. Both times.”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

“What did you get out of it? You didn’t need his money. You claim you didn’t love him. What was it?”

“A temporary bandage for how hurt I was without you. Talking with you was one thing but actually being held was another. Juan may be a lot of things, but he was also caring and sweet when it came to me. Sometimes I felt better when with him. Other times, I still hurt thinking about you despite being in his presence. On a good day when you would slip my mind, it would make me sick to my stomach. I deeply regret doing it.”

“You held me down for four years, Cassandra. Why him after so long?”

“He was different. Respectful, nice. He handled business and kept his mouth shut. I wasn’t looking for Juan; he fell into my lap. It was the closest I would ever get to you and even he was far off. I was selfish and just needed something.”

“He had you out here mishandling you. Doing shit and putting you in positions I would never. A nigga flashed a gun and he took you on a chase with him, Cassandra? On my dead granny head I should go and murk that nigga for that alone. You could’ve gotten shot, died from the car wrecking, gotten locked up. That’s not what somebody who loves you do. I moved my pills off the streets to protect you and my brother, making sure there were no conflicts. That goofy ass nigga knew who I was before he met you. He waited until I was gone for his moment. Can you really look me in the face and tell me he didn’t fuck you only to say he had my streets and my wife?”

My face dropped. I never thought that. Not about Juan.

“If he wanted to keep your secret, why the fuck he take you around the hood? Show up to the club in front of everyone? You would’ve never fucked one of these street niggas. You would’ve screamed if any of my niggas even looked at you. But you let this soft ass nigga convince you he was real and different. Impress you by running streets you knew damn well yo fucking nigga owns. I’m not saying he played you. But what if? At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if it was just him. If you didn’t love him. If you didn’t let him nut in you or sucked his dick. The little shit you did to lessen the blow didn’t help, because at the end of the day, you let a cappin ass nigga have what was mine. You fucked him and repeatedly, Cassandra. Spending the night, walking around that nigga’s shit naked like you belonged there? You had that nigga soaking up time with you, knowing he had until my release date. If he cared so much, why the fuck he leave you in that club to make money?

“It took him three months to undo a relationship we held strong for six years. You lied to me. Manipulated me. Disrespected me. Cassie, my fucking heart hurt, folks. I’ve never wanted to even dream about you with someone else. I love you so fucking much. I’m trying to reason with you but like I said, you fucked off on me, G. Plain and simple. How the fuck can I accept that?”

I cried with my face in my hand as he sat, breathing heavily. Multiple times I attempted to speak, but nothing would come out. After so long, I finally calmed myself down.

“I don’t regret confessing. I just told you every single thing without leaving a detail out. You mean the world to me and I got ahead of myself thinking I could fuck one nigga while being in love with the next. I’m not that girl and you know that. My heart is with you and only you. If you have to let me go...fine. That’s fine. I would rather be heart broken and alone than with you and happy, knowing I was lying to the love of my life. It is what it is. I’m woman enough to live with the consequences of my actions instead of hiding shit in order to be happy. Just know you mean the world to me, and I let Juan and everyone else know he didn’t and would never mean as much to me as you did.”

He looked deeply into my eyes. K4’s collar jingled in the bathroom as he turned in his sleep. The moon lit the room up brightly, exposing everything that was done in the dark. I shook my head softly.

“I love you. It’s okay to leave me. Just know if you stayed, you’d never have to worry about me again.”

“I know I wouldn’t. Because next time? I’ma make yo dead father feel that shit, Cassandra. On baby.”

I forced myself to continue looking at him even though I wanted to look away. His threat was disrespectful and scary. Scary because I knew it was true. However, I had nothing to fear. I knew he would never have to show me he wasn’t playing again. I’d never put him in the position to cash in on that threat.

Slowly, his face started to soften. My heart sped up, knowing it was my turn. He looked down as a single reddish-brown loc fell into his face. I tried to pull my hand away that he was still holding, but he gripped it tightly. Meeting my eyes again, he let out a breath.

“Two years ago, I did do something with one guard. It was late. I was watching videos of you and she kept coming into my cell. I was weak and pulled her to my bed. With a condom on, I made her top me with her shirt and bra off. I watched your video you sent me and watched her. When I nutted, I kicked her out. I didn’t lay up in the bed with her, kiss her, hug her or hold her. We’ve never spoke intimately. It was strictly inmate and guard after that. I felt terrible, Cassie. I still feel terrible. I’m a grown ass man and I shouldn’t have folded on you like that. In a way...I cheated on your first. But it was that one time and that one time only. I gave her some money because I was a bitch. Scared the bitch was gon run her mouth and it got back to you. Right before I got out, she was back on that trying to be seen shit. I told her flat out I ain’t trying to fuck with her and it was a one and done. You telling me you heard about it was the first I heard about it being out there. I treated her and had her and her friends moved up out of there.”

His one time was nothing compared to my yearlong affair. Yet, I felt distraught. I felt sick. Heat covered my body from head to toe. My free hand repeatedly rubbed my ponytail as I tried to gather myself. But I couldn’t.