Page 66 of Break the Ice

‘I love pantomime. I do not discriminate when it comes to the arts. Let me guess…’ I say, looking him up and down. ‘You were Aladdin. I see you in harem pants and a little fez.’

He laughs, a broad handsome smile on his face. ‘I’m Prince Charming.’

‘Of course,’ I say, grinning. Of course.

Did I think that I would go to this party today and invite a handsome man called Ted back to my flat? No. The idea was to go to the party, do my job and leave. Go back to Steve, unpack and return to my assorted desserts and my pyjamas. But there was something intoxicating about the flirting, the sparks of an initial attraction, the idea of being desired. So I agreed to a nightcap, whatever that might look like. Did I think about Joshua at this point? I did. I don’t know why. We’re not a thing. We were a brief Christmas flirtation. He’s going to New York soon anyway. So to distract myself from lingering on a potential non-starter, I got in an Uber with Ted, the reindeer voice man, to bring the fun back into my life.

‘I have a confession to make,’ I tell him as we stand by the door to my flat and I try to find my keys. ‘You asked for a nightcap but I’m not sure I have any alcohol in my house.’ I fake a smile.

‘Well, what if I told you that the nightcap was all a ruse?’ he says, an eyebrow raised. He backs me on to the door of my flat and kisses me, slowly but surely. A hand reaches to the curve of my waist. He’s sure of himself, there’s a rhythm in the banter and he’s a very able kisser. I smile, as he rests his forehead against mine, then turn to open the door.

As I do, I hear the pattering of paws as Steve jumps off the sofa and trots towards us. ‘Hey boy, how’s it going? Were you on my sofa again?’ I say, pouting at him with fake angry eyes. Steve cocks his head and I bend down to give him a pat and a ruffle.

‘You have a dog?’ Ted says, looking at him tentatively.

‘Oh, it’s a long story… he’s staying with me for a while,’ I say. Steve looks up at him and furrows his brow, confused by the company. I turn on some lamps and Ted looks around, studying my bags still in the living room. Yeah, I literally dumped my things, got dolled up and shot out the door. He smiles at the bags of gifts, an open suitcase that’s been excavated for clean underwear. I kick a bra under an armchair.

‘You lied,’ he tells me.

‘I did?’ I say, taking a seat on a sofa arm.

He leans over and plucks a bottle of cheap Irish liqueur out of my belongings. I pause to remember when I last drank out of that. ‘This will do.’

I smile as he heads over, throws the bottle on to the cushions and leans in to me to kiss me again. However, as he does, he falls into me, pushing me over the arm of the sofa and into the cushions. I peer around him and see Steve with both paws on Ted’s back and realise that he’s pushed him over. Even though it puts us in a strangely suggestive position, a grimace spreads across his face and he pushes himself off me and scrambles off the sofa.

‘Oh my God, isn’t he trained?’ he says.

I sit up, laughing. ‘He’s just excited.’

‘Or completely feral.’

‘Steve? No. He’s new⁠—’

‘Your dog’s name is Steve?’ he says, laughing.

‘Yeah,’ I say, slightly unamused.

Steve jumps up at Ted again and barks at him. It unbalances him and he stumbles before regaining his balance. ‘What you doing, you dumb dog?’ he says, gruffly, and Steve barks again.

‘He’s not dumb. Don’t call him dumb,’ I say. Steve jumps again, pushing Ted around the room with his head, jumping up at him and clawing him. Ted doesn’t look wholly impressed. ‘Steve, down. Leave him alone,’ I tell him, clapping my hands, but he doesn’t listen. The problem is it’s mildly funny to watch this tango they seem to be doing around my sofa.

‘Can you bloody call him off properly?’ he asks me, angrily. He pushes Steve off and Steve barks at him again.

‘Did you just push my dog?’ I ask him, squaring up to him.

‘He’s dangerous. I think he tore my suit. Do you know how much this suit cost?’ he says, trying to dodge Steve, waving his arms in the air, getting flustered.

About eighty quid from the shiny look of the polyester, I think. ‘He’s not dangerous,’ I say, looking at Ted’s trousers. I think he may have ripped your trousers though. Would he have made this much fuss if I’d ripped his trousers? I step back again, wondering how this situation soured in such a short space of time. The moment has most definitely gone.

He dusts himself down. ‘Yeah, I don’t think this…’ he says, pointing between him and me.

‘I was going to say the same,’ I say, walking towards the door. I open it and he storms out, not even stopping to say goodbye or look me in the eye. I bet he regrets waiting for me. He could have easily got one of the servers with the fangs. I shut the door behind him with a sullen slam and back on to it. Bullet dodged, perhaps. I sink to the floor. At least I didn’t give him any of my Irish liqueur.

Steve walks over and licks my face. ‘Ewww, you’re gross, doggy,’ I say, cupping his face. ‘And it turns out a bit of a cock-blocker too,’ I add, laughing. But I don’t need a man like that, most definitely not. I rise to my feet and Steve follows me into the kitchen faithfully. I get a glass of water from the tap and, as I do, I notice a letter on my fridge, held up by magnets.

Hey Aunty Phoebe,

I had an awesome day today! Uncle Joshua took me to the park. I barked at a lot of ducks, I ran in the snow, I met a sausage dog called Muriel and I peed on a jogger. Uncle Joshua gave me some dog food at six o’clock, lots to drink and far too many treats but it’s CHRISTMAS! Uncle Joshua let me sleep on the sofa because it’s warmer so don’t shout at me, it’s not my fault.