Page 34 of Break the Ice

The car crawls for ten seconds and then rolls to a stop again.

‘Are you guys warm back there?’ he asks. ‘I have a foil blanket in the back.’

‘It’s OK, Mountain Rescue. I think next time we decide to hike in the snow, we think about the temperature. I also need to buy better gloves,’ I say, holding mine up. He turns to look at them. They have cat faces on each finger. I have fun with my accessories, so shoot me.

‘Well, I’ll turn up the heaters. How’s Steve?’ he asks.

‘Alive, asleep, probably two stone lighter,’ I say. Joshua’s shoulders shudder with laughter. It wasn’t even a joke. I’m surprised there’s any bodily matter inside that dog. If that’s how he normally craps then that is not healthy, and Norah may want a consultation and advice from a vet. ‘So what’s the deal with the traffic?’

‘It’s just stopped. I see flashing lights ahead.’

I look out of the window. The snow is falling in angles, with purpose, not the slow drift from before. ‘We’re not going to get there, are we?’ I say sadly. It’s looking less and less likely. Before that made me angry, hysterical, but now I’m resigned to the fact that I will be stuck in this snow with a random American and a dog. That I will have failed in my mission. We could be here for ever. I’ve seen that film too. In that disaster movie – those people had to build fires, burn books and fight off rabid foxes to find their family. I’ll have to wear every piece of clothing I own.

‘There’s still time,’ Joshua says, trying to play the optimist. Not likely. I look down at Steve. Is he strong enough to pull a sledge? That could work. The whistling stops and the snow lets up for a moment, but the cars in front still don’t move. I think about how I’m going to pee if we’re holed up here for the night. I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep. I look out of the window, at the snow piled up against the cars, the gentle hum of engines, a few impatient twats sounding their horns.

‘I’m sorry,’ I mumble.

‘Sorry for what?’ Joshua asks, turning the engine off but leaving the keys in the ignition so the heat keeps running.

‘For making you leave my sister’s cosy house and dragging you out here with me. Now you’re going to be spending Christmas on an A road with a deranged woman and her dog. Be careful, don’t drain your battery,’ I tell him.

‘It’s that or freeze. And I didn’t think deranged. I think we said bananas before, right?’ he says, not quite turning to look at me. ‘One day this will all be a cool story. Better than that time I was on my own in London in a stranger’s house eating three types of potato,’ he adds.

‘Roast, mashed and…?’ I ask.

‘I also had fries. The shame.’ I manage a weak smile. Suddenly something hits my window. I look up at it. If that came from the sky then we need to take cover. Another hits the windscreen, and Joshua jolts in his seat. ‘Are we under attack?’ he says, in quite high-pitched tones. We crane our necks around the traffic and see that people have got out of their cars and there seems to be a full-blown snowball attack happening.

A smile creeps across my face. ‘That is awesome.’

‘Is it though? It’s not a great idea. People will be cold and wet for the rest of their journeys,’ Joshua says. ‘I don’t think we have enough clothes after Stonehenge.’

‘Then you better be decent at dodging stuff,’ I say, putting Steve on his lead. I check it carefully and then open my door. I was cold anyway. I may as well be having fun.

The flashing lights ahead are a vehicle that’s basically stopped all the traffic and is blocking anyone getting through, so people are making the most of a shit situation. A snowball torpedoes past my face and I turn to see a kid behind me, no older than twelve, in a North Face coat, laughing. He throws another and it lands right on my collar and seeps into my clothes. I shriek a little. ‘Ha-ha. Take that, lady! Nice hat! You look like a flamingo!’ he shouts.

My jaw drops. Hold up there, kiddo. One, where are your parents? Two, it’s Christmas. This is the time for goodwill, not insults, and I’ll have you know that this hat is fabulous. I see kids weaving in and out of the cars, a few adults joining in. I’ll admit it’s one of the nice things about being British – we always make the best out of a bad situation. A few cars down, someone is handing out cups of hot drinks poured out of a Thermos, someone else is blasting out Christmas music. No one is just going to sit in their cars and wait this out, that’s for sure. This stretch of road is now a car park, a street party but also a battlefield. I cup some snow in my hand, looking for that kid who was just rude to me. The boy will pay.

‘Seriously, Phoebe, I don’t think this is a good idea. What if the cars start…’

Joshua is standing by the side of the car, urging me to get back in. But as he does, he gets a massive snowball to the side of his face. I gasp loudly. His cheek almost reverbs with shock.

‘Is that your boyfriend? All right, Goggles!’

It’s the same boy, who seems to have stockpiled a number of snowballs.

I bite my lip as I watch Josh wiping snow off his glasses and cheek. The snow has made his skin burn pink. ‘Did he just call me Goggles?’ he says across the car roof.

‘He said I looked like a flamingo!’ I say indignantly. Joshua tries not to laugh. He takes handfuls of snow from the top of the car and goes into some strange stealth mode, looking over his shoulder, putting a finger to his lips and motioning that I should do the same. There’s a plan? Surely we just find the boy, gang up on him and pelt the little ballbag?

‘Come on, Steve. We have a mission,’ I whisper, looking down at him.

‘ON YOUR SIX!’ Joshua calls out.

I have no idea what this means but I feel a snowball hit the back of my head. ‘For God’s sake, speak English,’ I say, turning to Joshua, who hides away.

‘Next time, I’m going to get your little dog, lady,’ the kid shouts out.

‘You dare, you little cretin!’ I shout back. ‘I’m going to call Santa and tell him what you’re up to!’