Page 134 of Devoured
“It’s okay if you’re not okay. This has been difficult for all of us,” he murmurs, his voice a hard rasp. His hand twitches as if he wants to reach for me, but he keeps it at his side. “Just talk to me. Trust me, Vanessa. It’ll be over soon. We’re going to get through this.”
No no no.
Blood roars in my ears. Hallucinations crackle like lightning around us. Celeste’s corpse. Then Nettie’s. Then Oona’s. Then Sybil’s. I shut my eyes and clench my fists, but when I dare to open them again, Calix is only an inch away. He stares at the riotous pulse ticking in my throat, counting my heartbeats when my bones begin to shift.
“Fight me, then,” he breathes. “Come on. Use that anger on me; I can take it.”
I hear Sin in my ear. I remember the burn of his judgmental gaze when he said, “Calix might be fine living as your punching bag, but I’m not.”
“Why?” I ask softly, slowly, lifting my gaze to his. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
Calix deserves better. He deserves someone who won’t damn him. Someone who can appreciate him. Someone who isn’t so broken.
His posture goes rigid, as if he’s bracing himself for a different sort of fight. “You’re having a panic attack.”
“So what?”
“So I just want you to be honest with me, Vanessa. I never know what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, what’s going on. It’s killing me.” He growls, ripping a hand through his dark hair. “I’ve done everything you’ve wanted, haven’t I? I joined your rebellion. I told you about Arielle. You know everything about me—”
It’s killing me.
I can’t stop the next hallucination. His chest gaping open, and blood spilling down his chest. The sight slams into me so hard I have to stifle my gasp.
No no no.
Not Calix.
“Just tell me what you need,” he pleads. “Just tell me, and I’ll do it.”
The rot erupts. “I don’t need your guilt! You slaughtered my best friend. You tore her to pieces. That’s all this is. You’re trying to make amends, and you can’t.”
He glares at me. “You know that’s not true.”
I can’t take this conversation. I can’t take the pain of him lying there, dead at my feet. I can’t do this. “You want the truth?” My voice fractures as I step closer. “What’s going to happen when Cora and her werewolves are dead, Calix? What are you going to do about Sin?”
He blinks. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do.” My heart thunders. Each beat feels like a lash, a bruise. But this—this is necessary. This is the one question Calix has yet to confront. “You know the other courts will want him dead for his betrayal.”
He retreats a step, shaking his head. “Sinclair will do better. With the proper rules and legislature in place, with an amiable regent, he can be better. I trust him—”
“Then you’re a goddamned fool,” I snarl, prowling after him. “The other courts won’t give two shits if Sin’s cousin trusts him. The other courts won’t align with the boy who broke the North American Court. You know it. I know it. We all know it.”
His eyes flash. “We had an agreement. He. Stays. Safe.”
“And what if he can’t?”
He seizes my wrist and snaps me against him. His breath fans my face as his lips almost brush mine. “Sin lives. That was the deal. Sin lives, Vanessa, no matter what.”
“What. If. He. Can’t?”
Calix growls, and the hair rises on my nape. “Then I’ll make sure you lose.”
“Is that a threat?”
“It’s a promise.”
I tear away from his grasp with a harsh laugh. It sounds wild, half hysterical, even to my own ears. “Go, Calix. Go brood in the castle and pretend winter solstice never happened. Pretend there is still a hope for any of us when this is over.”
