Page 46 of Requiem & Reverie

I want to believe he’s here for all the reasons he claims, because the alternative is a black void I can’t see past, which I’m assuming is death.

The water helps me think, helps clear my head, so I can weed through my emotions to get to what I need to do to find my son. Jonah texted me this morning, letting me know he was following up on another lead. A lot of locals calling in have good intentions, but in many cases, they’ve sent him on a chase after someone who just didn’t pan out.

Later this afternoon, I might visit the diner to pick up my paystub and ask if anyone’s heard anything about Harvey, or Beth. The video on Beth’s phone still leaves me feeling sick to my stomach, but Voss thinks there’s a link between them and the one who took Oliver, so I’ll not give up on that.

I won’t give up.

Voss was right. The only one in this world who shouldn’t give up on Oliver is me. If he’s still alive, I need to keep my shit together. To save the emotional moments for when, and only when, that’s no longer a fact.

Hope is a dangerous thing. Fleeting and unreliable, but it’s all I have right now.

I finish up in the shower, and find Voss standing in the bedroom doorway, when I exit the bathroom.

His gaze dips to the towel wrapped around me, but his eyes aren’t burning with lust when they lift back up, instead reminding me of the way one might glance upon a wound to be sure it isn’t actively bleeding. “I’m going to look into something.”

“I think I might stop at Duli’s. Grab my paystub,” I say, rounding him into the room.

“Can’t Dale mail it, or bring it to you?”

“I have to get out of this house, Voss, or I’m going to lose my mind. I have to feel like I’m moving. If I don’t, I’m going to lose myself, and Oliver can’t afford for me to lose myself. I’m not going to be there late.”

He strides across the room, coming to a stop in front of me, and grips both of my shoulders. “You keep your GPS on. If I find you wandering off somewhere, I’m coming after you, hear?”

“I’ll keep it on. Just … please, let me know if you have something. Anything, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you.”

“You’ll be the first.” He leans forward and kisses me more tenderly than he ever has before.

Since last night, I’ve noticed a change in him. As though something snapped inside of him, he seems much more … compassionate? He insisted on making me breakfast, and hasn’t once tried to turn this into some kind of excuse for sex.

Perhaps his way of giving me space.

Once he’s left, I hate to admit that I miss the contact. His hands on my shoulders and the assurance he oozes with his presence alone. I miss the security of someone else being here.

Even when Jonah stayed with me those first few days, I felt alone and isolated. Voss has forced me to be present, to be more aware.

To be more hopeful.

* * *

Part of me dreads going into the diner. I abhor the sympathy. The hugs. The offer to pray for Oliver and me. I don’t want prayers. I want my son. And I don’t want to face all these people, but I know I have to, for Oliver’s sake. If I don’t, I’ll become my mother, lost in her own world, shutting everyone out.

That doesn’t help Oliver, and it sure won’t help me.

My stomach twists as I make my way to the front door and enter the diner, which goes almost silent, the moment I’m inside. Only the sizzle of whatever is cooking on the grill and the ring of the front door tells me time hasn’t completely stopped.

Just breathe, Nola.

Carrying a pot of coffee in each hand, Lara comes to a stop alongside me and kisses my cheek. “Good to see you, honey.”

Conversation slowly resumes again, and the tight clench of my muscles eases.

Dale rounds the counter, hands on his hips, and lowers his gaze. “Nola, I know you ain’t one for mushiness, and all that, but damn, it’s good to see you. How you been?”

“I’m okay.” I’m not okay, but I wouldn’t have him believe anything else. “You heard anything on Beth and Harv?”

“Not a peep. Just the news reporting them missing, but that’s becoming a regular thing around here lately. Jonah ain’t said anything? I mean, no leads?”

“No. That’s all I know, too.”