Page 97 of Counting Down To You

“You’re saying I should try harder with my parents?” His mouth is quirked into a small smile, so I can tell he’s joking.

I laugh. “I guess I am. But only if it’s the right time to. I couldn’t have had the conversation with my brother before now, I don’t think.”

He nods, picking up his mulled cider. “Well, I’ll bear it in mind. Maybe I could try a bit harder, to help them understand.” I don’t push the subject, because it’s not my place to, and he doesn’t say anything further on the matter. Instead, he says quietly, “I saw the announcement of her funeral.” I suck in a breath, not quite looking at him. “I was looking for it,” he admits. “I thought about coming.”

“Because you knew her,” I whisper.

“I met her,” Leo corrects. “I meant what I said to you, on the mountains. I wish I could have known her.” On the mountains, when he took me to be in two places at once. When I thought he might kiss me. And when he pulled away. “But I did meet her,” he continues. “And she made an impression.”

“The support group?”

“Yeah. There were a few of us. It wasn’t something I wanted to do, really. I only went along with it because my mum encouraged me, to be honest, and I thought it might help her, to see me trying.” The opposite to Robyn, who had wanted to go despite my skepticism. “We didn’t really talk about it,” Leo says, “the fact that we were both on the same list. But it was comforting to know there was someone else in the same boat. I think maybe she felt the same.”

Comforting. A kind of comfort I could never have given Robyn, because, even though I tried, I could never fully understand what she was going through. And maybe she didn’t want to tell me the worst of it, in order to protect me from it. I should have understood that. I should have asked her more about the support group.

“Why didn’t you come?” I ask hesitantly. “To the funeral?”

“I don’t know. I thought it might be…indecent? That’s not quite the right word. Inconsiderate?” He shakes his head like it still doesn’t encompass what he wants to say. “I thought it would be wrong, somehow, to show up at her funeral, when I had got a heart, and she hadn’t. But I wanted to thank her, and I never got a chance to do that in person.”

I can feel the tears burning the back of my eyes. He got a heart, and she hadn’t. It’s so cruel, to think of it like that. So cruel, that fate would do this to us. “Thank her for being part of the support group?” I ask, and my voice is surprisingly steady.

He nods. “For being there, for the comfort. For offering some light, when things were so dark. And also because meeting her changed things for me. It wasn’t just the transplant itself, which made me look at things differently. It was her too. Because now I feel like I owe it to her to look after this.” He places his hand to his chest again, more reverently this time. “And that helped me make some changes that I so desperately needed to make.”

Oh, Robyn.

That’s me. Changer of lives. It hurts so much to hear her voice. Because, more than anything, I wish I could talk to her—to sort out this complicated mess, to get her advice.

I blow out a shaky breath. “I just can’t believe it’s all real. I can’t believe you knew her, that you were right there, in the hospital.” How many rooms away, I wonder? Did we ever walk past each other, down one of the corridors? “I can’t believe you’re the reason she sent me to Châtel.”

“I know. I can’t believe it, either.” He hesitates. “But, for what it’s worth, I’m glad she sent you. I’m glad I told her about it, if it meant meeting you.”

His voice is quiet, soft. And it settles into every part of me. So much so that I have to close my eyes against it, breathe through the pain of the whole damn lot of it. When I open them, he’s still looking at me.

“I don’t know where this leaves us,” I admit.

Leo smiles sadly. “I don’t know, either.”

And what are we supposed to do with that? I don’t know how to manage this, don’t know how to sort through my complicated feelings. And I have no idea what he feels for me. I can’t let it go any further. I know that. It would be betraying Robyn to be with the man who has her heart. But I’m struggling to hold on to the anger. Because this is a lot, isn’t it, for him to have been carrying around. And it feels like such a long time that he’s been keeping a secret from me, but it’s only been a handful of days, really. Hardly any time at all in the grand scheme of things.

I straighten, decisive. “Well, I might not know about us, but right now I know what I need to do.” Leo cocks his head in question. “I need to skate.”

His eyebrows rise. “You like skating?”

“No, I hate it.”

He laughs, then nods more seriously. “Ah. Challenge?”

“Challenge,” I agree.

Go to Somerset House and actually get on the ice this time. It’s not that hard—use a bloody penguin, for God’s sake.

It was this morning’s one, which leaves only three challenges left to open. Three challenges, then I’ll have no more guidance from my best friend about what to do next.

Find a way to say goodbye.

Will I have to do that, after I open the final square?

For now, though, Leo comes with me onto the rink, as I knew he would. And I get a bloody penguin, even though it makes me feel ridiculous, given they are designed for children. But, with it, I can do it. I can push the penguin and stay upright, which is more than I could accomplish on my own.