Page 86 of 32 Days in May

“I’m sorry I missed all your calls,” I say, pressing a hand to my chest to try and calm my heart. “I’m sorry I went away and didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I went to college and I’m sorry I missed your twenty-eighth birthday because I had that big meeting in Vegas. I’m sorry—”

“Slow down,” she says, reaching out for me as she comes down the steps to meet me. “Are you okay? Your forehead is drenched—”

“I’m fine, please just listen. I have to tell you everything—”

“You can tell me everything, just come inside—”

Our voices crash together, one over the other, but I can’t slow down. I have a horrible, horrible feeling. Suddenly, I’m scared. “We don’t have time to sit! I really need you—”

“Why don’t we have time? What’s going on?” Her voice cracks as it reaches a fever pitch. “Are you having an episode?”

“Stop! Stop saying that! I’m not insane.” I grab on to the railing for support and start the story, from the beginning, as best I can. “Marco invited me to Italy and I-I didn’t think it would be like this. But I’m in love with him or something, and I lied to him and now I just . . . I . . .”

The sound dims in my left ear. Then, it becomes overwhelmed by ringing. I press my hand flat against my ear. Shit, that hurts.

Liv grabs ahold of my arm. “Hey, slow down . . .”

“No!” I yank away, out of her grasp.

My throat is dry. So dry. I’m thirstier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’m so thirsty that if I don’t drink water right now, I’m afraid of what might happen. I just need to tell Liv that I’m thirsty.

“Nadia?”

I can do this. I can say it. But the sun is so bright, it’s glaring off her front door, and there’s a car alarm going off. I can smell everything, and I hate it. I just need to focus on getting something to drink.

“I need water,” I try to say, but my teeth snag on the words and my lips are too slow.

“What do you need?” She sounds so panicked. I must have gotten some of the words out. I try again.

I need water.

“Nadia.” Her eyes, a stunning shade of green like the Ionian Sea, have doubled in size. She reaches for me, hand trembling. Why is she panicking? She’s so ridiculous.

I’m fine!

“Nadia, what’s happening?”

I said I’m fine! I’m just thirsty. I need water.

“Michael,” Liv yells over her shoulder. She’s always yelling, deep from inside her diaphragm. She’s so loud, sometimes it feels like she’s stolen everyone else’s voice so she can take up the whole room. But she never usually sounds like this when she yells. Right now, she sounds scared. No, actually. She sounds terrified.

I can hear Mike, too. His voice is deep and pleasant, and his arms are so steady under me. Why are you touching me? I’m thirsty, I try again. I have to say it. I can’t give up.

But suddenly, all I want to do is sleep.

December 22

5 months ago

WH EVER YOU GO, THERE Y U ARE

Some of the letters had slid out from the wooden slats meant to keep them in place.

A decorative blackboard with a knotted-pine frame hangs above the watercooler.

Somewhere behind me a noise machine gurgles.

I am meant to feel soothed. In this oasis, self-loathing is only a concept.