Page 115 of Everything She Wanted

“I know you don’t see it, how incredible he is. The things he’s done for me.” I look at the ceiling, exasperated.

Rachel steps closer and takes both of my hands. “Nisha, it’s you that’s so caught up in getting engaged and married before you’re thirty. You’re so preoccupied that you can’t see that this isn’t some race to the finish line. Or another thing to check off your to-do list.”

I pull my hands away. “I thought you knew me, Rach. I really did. You always talk about going for your deepest desires, and those are mine. My whole life, I’ve dreamed of getting married, and someday I want to have kids too. Those things matter to me.”

“I know they do, but is this the way to get there?”

“What, so I should just be like you? Swear off guys to work on myself and just watch as the clock ticks by?”

“I know it seems counterintuitive, but you have to love yourself before you can be in a loving relationship.”

“So now I don’t love myself,” I huff out.

“Nish, you put everyone before yourself and your needs. Your mom, Eshaan, his family, and even your colleagues. And I know you stay up late overthinking and worrying you’re not enough.”

Anger simmers within me at her words, even though I know they’re accurate. I look outside, summoning strength before turning around. The sun is setting in a magnificent medley of pink, orange, and red hues.

“Rach, you know I didn’t grow up with parents who had a magical fairy-tale love story like yours. You know the shit I went through. My parents could barely stand each other, and most of the time my dad was either at home drunk or at work, and then he passed away, and my whole life went to shit—even worse than I thought it could. So, I’m sorry if I have baggage.” I drag out the last few words to make my argument stronger. “Eshaan gets that and accepts me as I am.”

Her voice rises an octave as she speaks. “I can’t do this anymore, so I’m just going to come out and say it.” She throws up her hands in frustration. “He uses your insecurities to manipulate you.”

“Un-fucking-believable.” I shake my head. “That’s bullshit.”

“Is it? The way he tells you what to wear and goes apeshit when another guy even looks at you?”

“It’s not like that. He just gets a little jealous at times.”

“A little jealous? He’s so possessive of you, like you’re a prize and not a person.”

And now both of our voices are raised.

I look into her emerald eyes, flecked with gold under her perfectly shaped brows. The eyes that have shown me such love and kindness, that helped me through the hardest days of my life, that gave me a chance to start fresh. Now, they’re reflecting things I don’t want to see.

I look down at my shiny toenails, painted pink and coated with golden glitter.

“I can’t with this, Rachel, and I can’t believe you wait until the day before I’m getting engaged to throw this at me.”

“Nisha, seriously, don’t do that.” She brings her voice back to normal. “You know I’ve tried to bring this up multiple times before, and I know you’ve held back a lot from me. Not just what happened with Nick, but what’s happening with Eshaan too. You know I have a good read on people.”

I’m so sick of hearing about this spiritual shit. If that’s all it took, we’d all be living our best lives with a crystal in our pocket and an oracle deck to turn to for every decision.

“Maybe you can stop reading Eshaan and just focus on your own fucking life. Use your intuition and shit to find yourself someone instead of doling out relationship advice when you’re not even in one.”

I instantly regret the words as they leave my mouth, and I catch the deep hurt in Rachel’s eyes before she shakes her head and retreats to her bedroom, while I’m left with my head spinning with her honest words and my thoughtless ones.

I hate myself for hurting the one person who’s always been in my corner. She’s been my anchor through everything. I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for her. I would be stuck in Toronto, making excuses to get out of meeting guys my mom wanted to set me up with. I’d be at the same monotonous government job that paid well but drained my soul, hanging out with friends who couldn’t care less about me—the same friends that didn’t warn me about Raj, the first guy I had ever been with, even though I found out later that they knew he was never serious about me.

Rachel was more than a friend. She was a lifeline, and I’ve been so horrible to her. Not just tonight but for weeks, keeping things from her when I should have been more open. Even now, I know I should at least try to listen and see things from her perspective, but I can’t go there. I won’t. I’m too close to having it all.

I head to her door, and I’m about to knock, but I hesitate. Mentally, I’m not in the right space to apologize properly. I need to get my shit together before tomorrow and before I screw everything up. I go into my bedroom and throw on some lounge pants and a sweater. I need to go outside.

The next morning, I’m up early to make us both avocado toast before I head over to my Bhua Ji’s place to get ready.

I have the plates waiting, along with some steaming hot coffee with cream and sugar for me and a sugar-free cacao for her, but she doesn’t come out of her room.

I knock gently but there’s no response. I wait a few more seconds and then push the door open. My eyes dart around the room but she’s not here. The scent of the incense she normally burns on her altar every morning lingers in the air so I know she couldn’t have left that long ago.

Still, my fingers tingle and my toes go numb as I wait. I don’t know if I can make it through today without her, and I’m a few moments away from full panic mode when the front door opens. I rush to it and sigh with relief as Rachel steps inside, in her workout clothes, looking tired.