Page 100 of The Wedding Forecast

I’m very pleased with the total when I hold out the EFTPOS machine for him to tap.

‘Look. About the wedding,’ Joel says.

‘Mmm?’ I say, focusing very hard on watching his phone bump against the screen.

‘I hate that we left things like that.’

Not quite the apology I would have liked, but it’s something.

I look up at him. ‘Well, we never had a big, ugly fight like that when we broke up. So maybe it was the closure we needed,’ I say.

It didn’t feel like closure at the time. It felt like ripping open old wounds. But it feels a bit more like closure now.

‘Maybe,’ he says. ‘But I shouldn’t have yelled at you. And I lied. When I said I never loved you. I did love you. You know that.’

‘I do,’ I say. ‘But thank you for telling me.’

‘I just wanted you to know, so you didn’t think that what we had didn’t matter, that the whole time was a waste.’

‘I never thought it was a waste.’

I put his books in a bag. ‘Here you go,’ I say, sliding them across the counter.

‘And I read the acknowledgments. Of your book. It was really nice, what you wrote there.’

‘Well, I kind of regret it, if we’re being honest.’

He smiles.

‘I figured. But, still, it was nice.’

He’s still standing there. Is he waiting for me to hug him? I have promised myself that I will never touch him again.

‘Well, it’s nice to see you,’ I say. ‘And Birdie. Let’s…not be afraid to see each other again.’ This is my vague way of telling him he’s welcome to start coming over to Hayley and Luke’s house again.

‘Thanks, Anna,’ he says. He looks pleased. Like he thinks he’s done a good, selfless act. He’ll be telling himself what a good guy he is all day, probably. I bought the books she recommended and the ludicrous socks and I told her she wasn’t a total waste. No. I’m not going to think mean thoughts about him anymore. I’m not going to imagine the possible mean thoughts he has about me. I’m not going to think about him at all.

That night, I tell Mac about meeting Birdie.

‘How did you feel?’ he says.

‘I felt okay,’ I say.

‘Really?’

‘I felt a bit…sad, I guess, or not sad, but there was some leftover grief there.’

‘Did you—’ Mac says, and hesitates.

‘Did I…?’

‘Did you wish it was you? Who had the baby with him?’

‘No,’ I say. I’m not sure if this answer is honest or not. I don’t feel any desire to be with Joel anymore, but in an alternative universe, did I wish my life had gone down that path, with him? Maybe. If I knew, if I had some absolute guarantee, that I would still get to have that in the future, then no, I wouldn’t wish it with Joel at all. But I have no guarantees. If it was Joel, or nothing, then maybe. I don’t know.

‘Do you think he was the love of your life?’ Mac asks.

I hesitate.