Page 65 of Uncharted

“I just…could have seen any of the other guys doing something like that and I wouldn’t have done more than lost my cool. But Colin…I don’t know why, he stuck with me. I was thinking about him when I was supposed to be having downtime. He got to me, and under my skin in a way no one else can. Pissed me off but knew how to make me want to laugh, and that understanding shithead knew how to make me feel⁠—”

I blinked at him as he struggled to come up with the words.

He gave a pained groan and rolled his eyes to the heavens. “Make me feel…understood, seen, and…not like a piece of shit who was shit at relationships except for ruining them. He made me, fucking forced me, to see there was more to me than even I thought, alright? Fucking mushy ass bullshit, can’t fucking stand any of you.”

Not for the first time, I didn’t buy his ‘act’ of being pissed off at the rest of us. Oh, I didn’t doubt that we all got on his nerves to different degrees, with people like Jake and Carter probably hitting the top of that list, and people like Trevor and Mav at the bottom. It was hard to take him seriously when he had just spoken from the heart about Colin while trying to help me with my problem.

“Sure,” I said with a smile that earned me a scowl as usual. “So, it was…that easy?”

He stared at me like I was a moron. “Who the fuck said a goddamn thing about easy? You’re what? In your twenties?”

“I’m thirty-one,” I said dryly.

“Well, that’s fucking old enough to know better than to think shit is just…gonna be easy, now aren’t you?”

“I mean⁠—”

“No, Reno, it wasn’t that fucking easy. I didn’t know my head from my ass, but going right back to what I just told you, I had Colin for it. He caused it, sure, fuck him for that, but he was the reason I was able to get through it.”

“The poison and the cure.”

He cocked his head. “More like…when a forest gets so choked up with too many trees and plants fighting for space. Then a fire comes along and wipes out a bunch of shit, and it looks like a disaster from the outside. Except it cleared space for new, healthier shit to take its place.”

“Pine cones,” I said softly, remembering Jake’s explanation.

“What?”

“I…it was something Jake said a while back. Not important. I mean, kind of is, kind of creepy too, but it’s important for me, not this talk.”

Xander heaved a heavy sigh. “Look, kid, I can’t hold your hand through this shit. No one can…but Jake. And you know…sounds like he’s willing to hold your hand. But it sounds like you’re getting in your own way, like an⁠—”

“Idiot.”

“Yeah. So do yourselves a favor and figure it out.”

“Kinda what I’m trying to do.”

“I’m not going to ask you if he lights you up on the inside more than anyone else, or if the sun rises and falls out of his ass, or what the fuck people say because that’s for stories, not real life. You need to figure out if this is something you want. Do you get along? Do you know how to fight? Do you see him at your side no matter what fucking happens? And does he see you for who you are? Because I’m gonna tell you now, from experience, if he checks most of the boxes but you can’t say for sure that he wants you for you, and not for who he thinks you could be, then fucking bail now.”

“And…what do you think?”

“About you two?”

“Yeah.”

“Dumb and dumber.”

“I…Xander⁠—”

He grunted. “Anyone with halfway working eyes and two brain cells to rub together could see you two have been thick as thieves from the start. He’s a pain in the ass, but he’s reliable and a good guy, and he’s always got our backs. But he’s always especially kept an eye on your back. And he’s helped you be…braver. Fuck, you would’ve never come talk to me about this kind of shit a year ago.”

“True,” I admitted guiltily.

“And I don’t know exactly what he gets from you, not because there’s nothing worth getting. You’re a good kid; you wear your heart on your sleeve a bit too much, and you’re a little too sensitive for my tastes. But I’m betting those are the same things he appreciates about you. For someone like him, to have someone willing to treat him gently? I⁠—”

I thought of how Colin could go toe to toe with him, and how Xander had softened over the past few months. “It’s something for you, isn’t it?”

“What?” he asked, face going blank.