Page 26 of Formaldehyde

I allow my lips to rest against hers and whisper. “I want you to come for me, pretty dead girl, one last time. Give your big brother what he wants.”

Pushing my fingers in as far as they will go, I circle her clit with my thumb and press against her spongy walls, hoping and praying that I’ll get some kind of reaction from her but she lies motionless.

“Why won’t you fucking move?” I seethe. “Fucking say something!” Anger flairs to life inside of me and I shove my fingers inside of her again, harder this time, doing anything I can to make her say something, to cry out for me.

To just do fucking something.

Tears well in my eyes and for the first time in years, I let them fall. Grief begins to swallow me whole like a thrashing wave, I rip my hand away from her in fear and crumple to the floor in a heap, blood soaking into my pants from the plastic sheet but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore.

I just.. I just want my sister back.

I can’t live like this anymore.

I’ve tried to live in a world where she doesn’t exist and it’s killing me slowly. The cavern inside my chest where my heart used to live is now empty and hollow, a soul no longer lies there. I thought that keeping her here with me would fix everything, I thought that rebuilding her would maybe bring her back in some way, but I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong.

Grappling with my heavy thoughts, I run my hands through my hair and grip the strands tightly between my fingers to silence the voices that are bombarding my mind. They stab into my ears with their blunt knives and deadly claws, and I can’t seem to silence them. They’re too loud and I don’t know how to stop it.

“You’re a waste of space, fucking freak.”

“A wretched boy.”

“You’re not welcome here.”

“Why don’t you just fucking kill yourself?”

“Murderer.”

Blow after blow, the voices don’t stop their torment. Even when I cover my ears, they still find their way inside, slipping in like venomous snakes. Tears cloud my vision until the whole room is cast in a blurry haze and I swear I can feel my chest caving in, the bones beneath my skin cracking with every deep breath I take.

How do I make thi–

“Ethan?”

Snapping my head up at the familiar voice, I wipe my eyes to clear my vision, hoping to find the one person that matters the most to me, but instead I’m still a crumpled mess on the floor, surrounded by blood and severed body parts.

Still, the soft voice remains.

“My sweet, big brother. Please don’t cry.”

I can feel my bottom lip tremble as Alina’s haunting words wash over me. “Alina? Is that you? Please, tell me it’s you and that I’m not going insane. I can’t go insane.” I whisper, afraid that if I speak too loud, she’ll disappear again.

“It’s me, Ethan. I’m right here. I’ve always been right here.”

White hot pain stabs straight into my chest when I hear her reply and I can’t stop the tears from falling once again.

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” I choke out. “I never meant to hurt you. I love you more than you’ll ever know and I’m.. so fucking sorry.”

Warmth spreads over my shoulders, almost like I can feel her touch. Maybe I am crazy, and maybe this is all just a sick dream, one that I’m forced to relive every day for the pain that I’ve caused. This is the price I have to pay. Maybe I never made it out of that Halloween party five years ago and all this time has been a figment of my imagination.

A purgatory that I’ll never be able to escape from.

Alina’s sweet voice slips into my mind again, shunning all the heavy thoughts away. “You have nothing to apologise for, Ethan. If anything, it should be me. I left you alone and I’ll never forgive myself for that but I wanted to protect you. To give you a better life, but I can see that I didn’t quite accomplish that. I just hope that you can forgive me, please?”

Forgive her?

Alina could stab me in the heart and I’d accept it willingly, if it meant that I’d die by her hands. I’d forgive her every day for the rest of my life.

I blow out a heavy breath to calm my erratic heart, then I hand my forgiveness over to my sister without a second thought.