Page 86 of Fueled Hate

Dylan

“Hey, dumbfuck,” Bryce says. His legs are crossed at the ankles, his fingers laced together behind his head as he casually reclines against the headboard of my bed. The only thing that’s out of place is the bruising along his jaw that trails to his swollen lip.

“Get out.” I step into the closet, pull on my clothes, and return to the bedroom. Sure enough, Bryce hasn’t moved anything except his eyelids which are now closed as he looks peacefully at rest on my bed. “I said get the fuck out of here.”

“Yeah. I heard you.” Bryce opens his eyes, tilts his head to the side, and gives me a serious look. “But I know you’re full of shit. Sadie, not so much.”

The mention of her name sends a jolt of anguish through me. “I meant what I said.”

Bryce slides off the bed, nonchalantly walking over to me. “We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember. There’re times where I’ve felt closer to you than my own brother. We’ve had arguments, fist fights, had it out about stupid shit because neither of us wanted to give in, but we’ve always had each other’s backs. I’d run into a burning building by your side without thinking twice. But this, this I won’t do. I won’t follow you into the flames just because you insist on setting yourself on fire.”

The tightness in my chest returns as I move to walk out of the bedroom. “Good. So, fuck off.”

“He’s gone,” Bryce says. His stern tone slices through me. I halt and rotate to look at him. “This was never about him. This has always been about you. You wanting to be angry, finding someone to blame because it’s easier than grieving for your brother. Burn down every building in that town, burn every vehicle in sight. Noah will still be dead.”

Lunging forward, I grab his shirt. Moving into his face, he remains motionless. “Shut the fuck up.”

“No. I won’t sit by while you sabotage everything good in your life just to feel worse pain than losing Noah.” He looks down to my fingers gripping his shirt then back to me. “If I have to drag you kicking and screaming away from the flames, I will. Noah would want that. He wouldn’t want this.”

Shoving him back, my fingers thread in my hair as I pull the strands roughly and pinch my eyes closed.

“I can’t be here without him and have her in my life. She’s only here because Noah is dead. If he hadn’t gone to Sunland, I never would’ve met Sadie. She wouldn’t be in my life. The thought of not knowing her makes me sick. How can I be thankful to have her when the cost was my brother?”

“There. Right there. That’s the dumbfuck I’m talking about, and Noah would say the same thing. Being with her isn’t betraying your brother. You didn’t wish him dead in order to have her. He was already gone. And even if you never see her again, Noah will still be dead. Only … you’ll be miserable too. She brought you out of your self-imposed hell until you decided to dive back in headfirst last night. And fuck, she’s been through hell and back too. Have you ever thought just maybe y’all were supposed to find each other to get through hell together?”

Sadie. She’s been the only serenity in my life since Noah died, but still, whenever I look at her, I feel guilt. How can I be happy with her when my brother was the price to pay? And after last night, the choice isn’t mine. I incinerated every sliver of trust I’ve built with her last night.

“It’s too late,” I mumble, walking out of the bedroom because I can’t hear it, I can’t think it. I have something to finish, and I won’t be able to hold onto her and cross the finish line.

Bryce follows me down the hallway, lecturing and cussing as we descend the stairs.

“Dylan,” my mom says from behind me. I stop and rotate to see her standing with red-rimmed eyes through her smudged makeup. She hesitantly walks up to me, her eyes probing, wary, studying me. It’s the first time I’ve looked in them since last night when she slapped me. It had been the first time my mom has ever lifted a hand to me, but it didn’t sting as bad as her walking away, unable to look at me.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told Noah about the race.”

“No.” She emphatically shakes her head as tears slip down her cheeks. “I wasn’t upset that you told Noah to go there. I’m upset that you went there. What if something happened to you? I’ve already buried one of my sons, I won’t survive burying another.”

My breath comes out in short bursts as I unsuccessfully attempt to swallow down my emotions, unable to fathom my mom not hating me. “It’s my fault. Noah was only there because I told him about the race.”

“Then that makes it my fault too.”

“What?”

“Did you know your father and I considered a move to California just after Noah was born? Bill wanted to move, but I wanted to stay here in Marcheur, so we did. If we’d gone, Noah would’ve likely been attending a school on the West Coast, far away from Sunland. So, my choice led to him being on the path that led through Sunland. Is it my fault too?”

I get it. I understand what she means, but that doesn’t ease the guilt. “It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have told him about the races.”

“Every decision we make, every choice we choose, leads us down a path. Outside factors contribute to the direction we’re heading, but no one truly determines our path except for us.” My mom steps in front of me, lifting her palm to cup the cheek she struck last night. “I’m so deeply sorry for my reaction last night. I never meant to hurt you, and I know beyond a doubt that you never would’ve hurt Noah.”

A load of guilt is instantly lifted off my shoulders as my arms encircle my mom. She wraps her arms around my shoulders as I take a deep breath. “I don’t know how to do it. He’s always been there. There’s not a time in my life that I remember living without my little brother. I don’t know how to exist without him.”

“We’ll figure it out together,” my mom whispers as she wraps her arms tighter around me.

“I have to go back. There’s something that I need to do.” I can’t stop without knowing the truth about what happened to Noah. There’s still something inside me that says it wasn’t an accident.

Mom reluctantly releases me, standing back as she says, “It’s your decision. Just make sure your path is headed that way for the right reason.”

And Sadie. Even if I have to follow her through hell and back, I have to make things right.