Page 31 of Keeping Collette

Beside her, Deal grabbed her hand, he’d been doing it a lot, and she was grateful to have him beside her. “I’ve got you.”

“I know.”

Their steps whispered against the vinyl floor. Activity went on around her, but it was all white noise. The only sound she heard was the thumping of her heart and the whooshing of her blood through her veins.

Collette blanked her mind, if she allowed herself to fully think about what she was going to do, then she was going to collapse to the floor, unable to move. She looked down as she put one foot in front of the other. The gray flooring was mocking her with its ugliness, as if it knew where she was headed and what she was preparing herself for.

She went to take another step, but Deal’s hand squeezed hers tightly. She looked up to find they were standing out the front of the door to the morgue.

A wave of grief swept over her, and she froze. The second she stepped through that door, it would become more real than it already was. Beyond the barrier, her sister lay. On a cold slab with a sheet covering her.

Lifeless.

The joy and spark that had been intrinsically Courtney, extinguished forever.

A life filled with so much promise, and it was all gone.

“I can’t do it.” She turned to Deal. “I want to, but I don’t think I can.”

He pulled her into a tight hug, the faint scent of his woodsy cologne comforting amongst the chaos that was running riot through her.

“I know it’s going to be the hardest thing you have to do. I also know that deep down you believe if you don’t do this, it will hang over you. We can take as long as you need. There’s no rush. I don’t have to be anywhere else.”

Collette closed her eyes and let herself wallow in the smooth motions of his hands as they rubbed up and down her back. It was the middle of the night, Deal didn’t have to be here with her, yet he was. He was being the pillar of strength she needed to get through this.

He hadn’t pushed her to get it over and done with. Hadn’t rushed her to pick herself up after she’d thrown up. Hadn’t been impatient with her throughout the whole process. Deal had every right to have acted differently from the moment he’d taken the call from his teammate about Courtney.

What she needed to do was take the support he was giving her and use it to get her through the next few minutes. He wouldn’t leave her to handle it all on her own. He wasn’t like that.

Her sister needed her, and Collette needed to stop being afraid. Her worst fear had already been realized.

Courtney was dead.

What she had to do was honor her sister. Honor the life she’d led and treat her with the dignity she deserved.

Courtney should be acknowledged by the one person who’d loved her from the moment she’d arrived into the world—her. Collette, her big sister, who’d always been there for her.

Pulling out of Deal’s arms, she swiped at her cheeks. “Enough,” she stated. “I’ve wallowed enough. No more.”

Deal didn’t say anything. Didn’t make a comment about what she’d said, because, to her ears, it had sounded ridiculous. “Okay.” He placed his hand against the door. “You ready?”

“Yes.”

Identifying Courtney had been torturous, but she’d done it. All without breaking down. She was back to feeling numb.

Warmth still lingered in the late-night air, and Collette took some deep breaths. It helped to clear out the hospital smell, but it would take a while for it to be completely gone.

Could she ever walk into a hospital again and not be reminded of this moment?

Nothing about her life was ever going to be the same again. Not without her sister in it.

She stopped and looked up at the sky, wishing to see the stars, something beautiful to remind her that life continued. If she squinted to block out the light pollution, she might be able to see something.

She would never get the last image of Courtney out of her mind, and she hated that instead of seeing an image of her sister laughing at some ridiculous joke she’d made, Collette would remember her with dirt streaked on her face, mixed in with the fading yellow of the bruises on her cheeks and around her eyes. The horrible slit that traversed one side of her neck to the other. How she got those injuries, Collette didn’t want to think about. It would drag her further into the quagmire of her grief. They’d only pulled the sheet back enough to show Courtney’s face, so Collette didn’t know what the rest of her body looked like.

“Let’s get you home,” Deal said, sliding an arm around her waist, anchoring her to the present.

She nodded. “Thanks.”