Page 228 of ClickBack

“This could fit perimenopause,” she says. “I want to look at the whole picture, including the sleep disruption. We can discuss treatment options. You don’t have to keep managing it by opening appliances.”

“The freezer was free.”

“Rae might disagree.”

I laugh. Dr. Holder glances at the screen, then asks about the new partner.

“Is that going well?”

“Very.”

The word escapes before I can make it respectable. Her smile is brief and kind, and she asks whether I have any concerns.

“We both tested before we stopped using condoms,” I tell her. “I still have the IUD. I asked for screening today, but I don’t have a reason to think anything’s wrong.”

“We can talk through which tests make sense for you.”

“I trust him.”

She looks up. “You don’t have to defend him to discuss your health.”

I smooth the paper again.

I remember another exam room. Another doctor asking whether I was certain I hadn’t had sex, then asking a second way when I said I was. I had gone in because something hurt. By the time I left, I was worried that asking to be treated had made me look dirty.

“I’ve had doctors make assumptions,” I say.

“About you being sexually active?”

“About what kind of woman I was. Or maybe it was the same thing to them.”

Her attention stays on me.

“I’m sorry that happened.”

I nod, embarrassed by how much I wanted somebody in a white coat to say that.

She explains what we will do today, asks whether I have questions, then returns to the chart. It is a relief when my sex life becomes one part of the visit instead of something I need to justify being happy about.

“Your IUD replacement is coming up,” she says. “October. Are you still planning to replace it?”

“Yes.”

The answer comes easily. The feeling behind it doesn’t.

Dr. Holder waits while I look at the paper across my knees.

“I think so,” I add.

“What are you considering?”

“It’s helped with the bleeding.”

“It has.”

“And I don’t want to get pregnant.”

She doesn’t respond immediately. I look up to find her watching me, not skeptically, simply waiting for me to finish.