Page 19 of Roundabout

I smashed the cycle with my mom but not the cycle within myself. I’ve worked tirelessly to not become my mother. I’ve been at war with myself for as long as I can remember, constantly fighting against any instinct that pops up trying to make me her. I can’t say I’ve put in the same effort to question what makes me me. If I had, I wouldn’t still be this scared little girl pretending to be something she’s not. I wouldn’t be here, ten years later, in another predicament where I keep secrets from Coty all over again. I am still stuck in my own roundabout. I recognize the paths laid out before me because I’ve already faced them. I know exactly which one’s harder and which one’s easier. Having Coty by my side is almost always easier for both of us. But this time it’s not. The easier path for me is the harder one for him. That’s why I’m not choosing it.

I love Brittni and Makya and I’ll do anything to protect them. If anyone should be able to understand that, it’s Coty. He fucking fights for his family regardless of the consequences.

When the smoke clears from all this, I pray he’ll still want to.

“Cars.”

“What?”

“Cars. That can be our theme.”

I can hear the shake of his head as he says, “Everything in our life revolves around cars.”

“Exactly, it’s the perfect theme for us.”

“How—”

“I’ll call the planner and explain everything so we don’t have to meet again,” I say. “And that bakery you wanted us to try out…how about I do that myself, too? I’ll pick the cake flavors.”

“The flavors?”

“All three,” I remind him, feeling my armpits sting from the sudden sweat attack.

“Are you sure?”

“Mmhmm,” I mumble so I don’t have to lie any more than I already have.

Neither of us speaks for a minute, and I picture him with that unkempt brown hair of his, along with those eyes I love so damn much. If he were here right now, looking at me with them, I don’t know if I could do this.

I don’t know if I can, period.

That’s not going to keep me from trying though.

“Coty?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m the lucky one,” I say, resolute, because of that I am sure. No matter what happens, I’m lucky to have met Coty, to have loved Coty, to have been loved by Coty.

I hang up before he can say anything else, then send out the quickest text I’ve ever typed.

Amount?

There may be fire where there’s smoke, but without oxygen to fan the embers, the flames will die out. To do that, I need to cut off her air.

CHAPTER 6

Coty

My phone buzzes in my pocket again. It’s always fucking buzzing. There isn’t a day that goes by where there isn’t at least one “emergency” on at least one of my build sites, and today I’ve got crews at six.

I’m fortunate to have so many clients, but it can be a lot sometimes, like when I’m trying to get married. We haven’t even talked about a honeymoon yet, but damn could I use one. One without any housing material, or permits, or inspections, or phone calls every thirty seconds from people asking questions I already answered; just sand and sun and maybe a cocktail or two. Yeah, some alone time on a beach with my new wife sounds pretty fantastic right about now. If I didn’t have so much on my plate, I swear I’d pull a Marc and drive Angela straight to the airport after our reception. We’d choose a destination, any destination, and just go.

We’ll honeymoon eventually. We got the money for it, it’s just a matter of making time.

Up ahead Pop Two comes into view, so I veer into the right lane. As I’m pulling in, I spot both Beck’s and Marc’s bikes already parked in the lot. We still try to get a ride in every now and then, but they didn’t say shit to me about fitting one in today.

Not that I would’ve taken them up on it anyway. I’m only here to see Angela.