Page 26 of Let the Light Shine Through

We were exhausted, caked in mud, and out of breath, but couldn’t keep the smiles off our faces as we met back up at the finish line. Minnie, our first-place winner, immediately caught Roz by the hand to slide one of her handmade bracelets onto his wrist. Him staring down at the tiny hand positioning the braided pink and purple yarn was the first time I’d seen Roz lose that little bit of chipped ice on his shoulder completely. He came close last night when I shoved him in the pool, but not entirely. He wanted to let go then. This time he just fucking did. And it was beautiful. I had to pretend to dust my pants so quick one tear ended up escaping before I could blink it back.

“Kinda.”

“What does that mean?”

“It started out as a way to fulfill a volunteer requirement but…it’s not really like that anymore.”

He nods, gazing out the windshield, then quietly, he says, “You love it.”

“It’s the closest I’ll probably ever get to having kids,” I whisper back, regretting the words and my decision to bring Roz along.

But he needed this, didn’t he? It was good for him.

His head turns my way. “Why’s that?”

“You know how it goes…being tied down.” I make a face, so I don’t have to lie.

“Right…” He trails off, his eyes back on the road but skimming quickly left to right. “They tie you down…to what?”

“Them.”

“As opposed to…”

“Earth.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

I shrug. “Could be.”

“Why? Where are you going?”

Roz holds my gaze for a beat longer than a person who’s driving should.

“Home.”

“What?” he huffs out, his eyebrows pulling together.

“That’s my driveway,” I say, pointing at the turnoff to my house as we blow past it.

“Shit.” Slamming on his brakes, he says, “Sorry,” then flips a bitch in the middle of the deserted road. Thankfully my dad and I live in a heavily wooded area, so there’s hardly ever any traffic out here. It makes skating on it easy, just sketchy since there’s no sidewalk to retreat to if a car does come along.

Rowdy’s already here, waiting next to my 1975 Ford F-250 with our quads piggybacking in the back—his YFZ’s front tires are kissing the seat of my Raptor, which is standing up with its two front wheels resting on the cab of my truck.

Dashes of electricity zip over my skin from the sight.

Today we’re staying local since I have to work and Rowdy has a Pokémon card tournament later. He’s been going to them for years. Not even joking. It’s his “thing.” Watching birds is mine, smashing Poké peeps is his. I’ve tagged along a few times, and since I don’t actually play, it’s like watching paint dry, but with super dope people, making it a good time still. They legit bring themed favors for everybody, even their opponents.

Rowdy meets my eye through the windshield, giving me a look but…it’s not like that with Roz. Like always, there’s no temptation beyond the physical kind. Rowdy’s probably just trying to rile me up, so I can ride my hardest out there today. As if I’d give anything less than one hundred.

Something nags at me. Something I woke up with and haven’t been able to shake since.

What is it like with Roz? What am I doing?

A chunk of mud falls from my shoe onto Roz’s rubber floor mat with an audible squish.

Tearing his eyes from my Poké-obsessed friend, Roz waves me off, saying, “I’m used to it. I was a snowboarder, remember?”

As soon as he says it though, his entire attitude changes. Morphs from happy, grounded Roz, holding hands with a mini admirer that won his pretend affection fair and square in a muddy race, to an adrift grump punishing himself over an unfortunate accident that killed his best friend.