Page 48 of Changing Lanes

I exhale, long and low. “Jesse’s pulling away because he feels powerless and can’t fix the problem. Caleb is using work as a scapegoat because he doesn’t know where he fits in, not with Jesse avoiding his usual role. He’s second in command and always has been. Taking the lead is unfathomable to him so he doesn’t even try. With any of us. He and Jesse aren’t even speaking last I heard. Tysen has his own shit to take care of and he doesn’t know how to spread himself around for everybody else, least of all Mom.” Or me, I think selfishly. “Nick is inherently self-absorbed, which will never change. He can’t separate Mom from her disease and gets pissed because of it.” My nose stings as I finish.

“And you?” he asks, wiping a tear from my cheek. “You’re acting out.”

“What?” I burst.

“I didn’t want to say anything but your drinking is…bad. It’s getting worse. Last time you were here I had to pay someone to take you home just to get you to stop drinking and last night I had to break up two fights you were involved in. And still pay someone to take you home.”

I narrow my eyes. “So, that’s why he was so adamant on getting me to my door. It wasn’t to sleep with me, it was because big brother Dixon paid him.”

“You’re welcome.”

I wave him off. I appreciate the lift but I could’ve and would’ve taken care of myself.

“It was the safest way to make sure your drunk ass made it home okay. I couldn’t take you myself since you threw a drink on one of my bussers.”

“He was awful. You should fire him.”

“I did. But you didn’t need to do that.”

“Yes, I did. I watched him untie a girl’s halter top when she was dancing.”

“What about the woman with her boyfriend?”

He pins me with a look that says gotcha while I pick something off my shoulder.

“She said I didn’t belong,” I mumble purposely.

“What was that?”

I throw my hands up. “She said I didn’t belong, okay? She asked if I ate at the Y, then cackled to her friend that I should find a bar more fitting for ‘my kind.’ I simply offered her boyfriend tips on how to go down on his girlfriend since she was obviously asking random strangers for head. She’s lucky I didn’t beat her ass.”

“That’s it? So what? There’s nothing wrong with eating pussy.”

“Exactly. Some of my favorite people eat pussy.” My grin splits my face in half, glad we’re not using the term ‘session’ anymore.

“Then why does it matter if she said you did? I mean, you don’t, do you?”

“No, I don’t, but it’s not what she said, it’s how she said it. Like there was something wrong with me if I did. Who I choose to have sex with isn’t up for judgment by anyone, least of all some regular at a dive bar.”

“Hey.”

“Sorry,” I say, even though we both know I’m not far off. The place is two-thirds dive bar, one-third regular bar. More of an aspiring bar. “Still, she was a close-minded bitch.”

“Well, that doesn’t change the fact that they both had to be escorted out because of their fight that you caused. And since they were, in fact, regulars that means their business went with them.”

“Good. Maybe now you can get some better clientele.”

His face is that of a disapproving father to a petulant child. Talk about ungrateful.

My middle finger twitches.

“I get one night off a week. If I can’t go out and blow a little steam, I’ll explode. My job, the boys, my mom, it’s all too much. I’m doing it all alone and now I have this colossal roommate who’s in my face every time I’m home and I have nowhere else to go.” My voice cracks at the end and I bury my face in my hands. “I have nobody. I’m constantly surrounded by people, yet it feels like I’m the loneliest person in the world.”

“Don’t say that. You’re breaking my heart here, kid. You’re not alone. Ever.” Could’ve fooled me. “And you’re always welcome to come stay with me. Have you tried talking to any of them?”

Them meaning my brothers. The ones that are currently treating me to radio silence. As the communicator of the family, it’s the easiest way to isolate me and drive me insane one missed call at a time.

I shake my head, wiping at my nose.