Page 60 of Every Time We Touch

I fall apart with her name on my lips, the force of it tearing through me so completely I lose all sense of where I end and she begins. Clancy keeps kissing me, guiding me through every shuddering wave while I cling to her like she’s the only thing keeping me whole. And somewhere in the middle of all that pleasure and devastation, with her body wrapped around mine and my heart beating wildly against my ribs, I know I can face whatever comes next. Not because it won’t be hard, but because I’m doing it for her.

Clancy slides out of me and, with the toy now wet and sticky between us, holds me close. She rests her forehead against mine as we both catch our breath. She brushes her fingers through my hair and presses a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth.

“I love it when you do exactly as I ask,” I whisper, breaking the kind of solemn silence that follows a climax like that.

She grins at me. “I’m glad I made sure you’re no longer talking sense.”

“I’ll enjoy this completely senseless state of being for as long as possible.” I really have lost all use of my faculties if this is the nonsense coming out of my mouth.

“I’m here if you need me to fuck you again.”

I chuckle and it feels good—a little freeing even—to laugh some of this off. And I swear, even though she just made me come so hard there’s barely room left in my brain for a coherent thought, my body still responds instantly to her words.

Over and over again, it responds to Clancy.

The next afternoon, when I know the kids are still in school and her husband at work, I show up at Heather’s house. None of my siblings have been in direct touch, while the usual chatter in our family WhatsApp group hasn’t stopped, leading me to believe neither my sister nor my dad have said anything to anyone.

Earlier today, I briefly spoke to my mother, but she’s back on set and pressed for time. Besides, I don’t need my mom to step in here. I made this mess. I’m not sure I can undo it, but I can start by having this conversation.

I always go in through the back door at Heather’s house, but I feel like, today, I need to announce my arrival. That I can’t just turn up the way I usually do. My heart beating in my throat, I ring the bell.

“Jen.” Heather does a double take when she sees me.

“Can we talk?” I ask.

“I don’t know.” Heather folds her arms in front of her chest, as though she’s actually hesitating to let me in.

“Please?” I ask.

She holds the door open, but refrains from hugging me.

We settle at the kitchen island with cups of tea. The vibe between us is so off, part of me wants to just get out of there. But Heather’s not just my sister. She’s also been my best friend since the day we were born.

“I told Dad about Clancy,” I say. “Yesterday.”

“Fuck,” she says on a sigh. “How did he react?”

“Not well.” My throat tightens around the words.

“Are you still… you know,” Heather says, as though saying the actual words is unthinkable.

“Yes,” I say. “I know this is hard, and it probably seems like this should be an easy choice for me to make, but it’s not. I’m genuinely in love with Clancy.” I can’t say that I wish I wasn’t, because that would be another lie.

“Duh.” Heather shakes her head. “Like I don’t know that. Why else would you put yourself through this. You, Jen.” She scoffs. “I know you better than anyone, so I know you must believe that your feelings for her are real. And maybe they are, but… are you really willing to pay this price?”

“What price would that be?” I need to hear her say it.

“All this mess with us, with your family. A rift with Dad you might never fully recover from. All this aggravation and these difficult emotions that could be avoided.”

“I think it’s a little late to avoid those.”

“Poor Dad.” Heather stares into her teacup. “What did he say?”

“He didn’t understand how something like that could happen.”

“I don’t understand it either.” Despite what she’s saying, Heather’s tone has softened somewhat.

“Neither do I.” I shrug. “I just know how I feel.”