Page 17 of Back To Our Beginning

She shut the door and peered over at me. “And you have a double oven. Was that Harvey’s idea, or yours?”

“Mine,” I admitted.

Her smile fell. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Mom always wanted one of those.”

“I don’t see any pictures of her.”

“I rent this place, Maddie. Of course there’s no personal stuff. I have that shit stored in a box in the attic.”

She gave a slow nod and leaned back against the quartz countertop and studied me. I could feel something big coming. I prayed she would not ask me why I hadn’t kept in touch while I was in the Marines. I wanted to keep us in shallow water for now. But I knew it would not be my choice.

“You want to explain to me why I had to hear via the town grapevine that you were back again? Want to explain why you didn’t pick up a phone and call me?”

Maddie had changed. A lot. She had a poker face now that could win her a lot of money. I couldn’t tell if she was angry, sad, or just curious. Before I left, I could read her like an open book.

“I wanted to,” I told her.

Shit, that sounded lame.

She lifted her right eyebrow. How many times had she done that same thing when I’d said something stupid?

I tried again. “I was caught up with spending time with Brady. I mean Kai.”

She slowly nodded. It was regal, as if she were a queen and I was one of her peasants. “I see.”

“No, you don’t see. You can’t see. Because I don’t even understand it, Maddie.” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“I call bullshit.”

I looked at her again. She still looked like a queen, but a queen with a poker face. I was so fucked. And she was right. I was spouting bullshit. Kind of.

I considered her for a long time, trying to think of the right thing to say. She pushed off the counter. “I’m outta here.”

“Wait.”

“No. I’m done. You’re the one who wanted to talk. Apparently, you can’t. So, I’m done. Don’t bother calling again.” She started to charge past me, and I reached out and grabbed her wrist. Not too hard, just with enough strength to halt her.

“What?” she snarled.

“I can explain.”

She yanked her wrist out of my grip, but she stayed put. “You’re doing a shit job of it.”

“It wasn’t bullshit. The first time I came back… Some months ago.”

“Eight months ago.”

I winced. “Yeah, eight months ago. I was in shock.” I rubbed the back of my neck and looked down, then back up into eyes that used to be able to soothe my soul. Now they were shards of ice that cut. “Maddie, seeing Brady… Finding out he was alive… It didn’t gut me, it turned my world upside down. I can’t even begin to explain it. It was like everything I’d assumed, everything I’d ever known, was wrong, but everything I’d ever hoped for was there in front of me and I…”

She took one step forward and her eyes softened. “It’s okay, Beau. You can say it. You can say anything. I promise.”

“For a moment I felt joy. A blinding moment of connection. But then a level of fear descended on me like a thunderbolt. I’d never felt anything like it, and I’ve been in life-and-death situations more times than I can count. Somehow, in my mind, I knew that having Brady back wouldn’t last.” I laughed. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard, and I saw Maddie cringe. “Yeah. Pretty fucked up, huh?”

She took two more steps and touched my hand. “Not fucked up. Real. It sounds real, Beau.”

I smirked. “Yeah, really fucked up.”