Page 122 of The Addict

“Rape. It’s not a difficult thing to master—you should know.”

That last part was a low blow and I knew it. But I needed to push him away now. He knew too much, and he was too close to the secret parts that I’d never shared. I was exposed. Too seen. I wanted to shrink back into the shadows.

I wanted to disappear.

I dared to look at him. He stared, dumbstruck, completely silent. His face instantly filled with the one emotion I couldn’t take.

Not pity, I thought. Anything but that.

Another tear escaped, trailing down my cheek before I could wipe it out of existence.

Silas had drawn a blank. I wondered if he needed to reboot. “He–”

“Yes!” I snapped.

Silence.

It was consuming.

I had never told anyone what happened to me as a child. This secret I’d held alone, confined to the innermost cage of my being, where it had clawed and pressed against locked metal bars, pleading to be released.

And now, it would finally get its wish.

My shoulders lifted into a weak shrug, and I spilled the toxins. “This isn’t the first time he’s done this to me.”

“More...than once?” Silas asked, his mouth agape.

“More than you want to hear about,” I nearly snarled.

It was out. I had said it. Now that I had spoken the truth into the world, I couldn’t stop.

“But this is the first time in almost ten years. As you might imagine, it was to my great surprise,” I said sarcastically, trying to steady myself from the returning shakes. I gripped myself tightly, as if I could somehow keep my body from falling apart.

Damn. I needed something right now. Drink, drag, whatever. Maybe both. I couldn’t believe I told Silas. It didn’t feel real.

“You were...a child?” he continued questioning.

I shivered. “Yes. And?”

Silas placed a hand over his mouth, as if trying to hold in a silent scream. “My god, Noah…”

“Didn’t you ever wonder why I was so fucked up?” I inquired with another snicker. It was a genuine question though, that combined with my defense mechanism to push away. To belittle. To self condemn. There was no way Silas could have considered me normal all our lives. I wondered, what was the excuse in his mind?

His eyes sought answers that mine couldn’t provide. My bottom lip quivered, and I knew he saw it. He reached for me, “I would’ve never have thought this.”

His words were so genuine, I nearly retched.

I turned away from his contact, running my hand through my hair. I paced in the opposing direction to keep my nerves at bay. Where had I placed that vape? “Oh, shut up, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

Silas supervened and grabbed my arm. “Don’t you dare say that!” His eyes darted to the door and back. “We have to tell someone, Noah.”

Heavy weight settled tightly in my chest, and I felt my heart beating in my ears.

What the fuck did he just say?

I was out of my head. My mind was unable to focus on anything other than the words that just came out of Silas’s mouth. I spun abruptly, pulling him flush against me, my eyes swimming with newfound rage.

This information couldn’t get out. No one could know.