Page 76 of Valour

“Right.”

Hester looked sidelong at him, trying to work out what he was thinking.

They had reached the Valour, and the dogs stood outside their dogloos, baying and pulling at their leashes at the sight of the dead seal. He let it fall to the ice and stalked off up the ramp. She stared after him, then shook her head. If she thought telling him any of that would make the slightest difference, it seemed she was incorrect.

“What is that?” Charlotte asked Arnold, pointing over the ice, shielding her eyes against the bright sun.

“A second seal? Could it be? We haven’t shot anything for nearly five months and now they all come at once! Quick, I’ll get the gun.” Arnold ran, slipping on the icy deck, and she chuckled at his enthusiasm. He quickly reappeared. “Hold this.” He handed her the rifle and her overall. “Come with me. Bring a sled and Marjorie.”

“Oh gosh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to see this,” Charlotte said, biting her lip. A small voice in her head told her to toughen up, and that it was hypocritical to eat animals but not be able to kill them.

“That’s fine. I can get someone else to come,” Arnold said, taking the rifle back, his smile faltering.

She could do it. It would be fine. She was tough. “No, wait. I’ll come,” she said, donning the suit.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes. I think so.”

Charlotte followed Arnold back down the ramp. They harnessed Marjorie to a sled, walking next to her as she pulled it along the snow, their footsteps crunching.

She could still see the black dot in the distance, and swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, gazing back at the Valour.

“This couldn’t have come at a better time. The dogs were starting to weaken from the lack of fresh meat,” Arnold said.

“Poor things. Does this mean the season is turning?”

“Yes, summer is on the way.”

“So the ice will melt? We might get free?”

Arnold hesitated. “Perhaps. But we are about to be drawn into the most pressurised area of the Weddell Sea. I suppose we’ll have to see what happens.”

Charlotte couldn’t imagine even more pressure than was currently pressing in on the ship. The noises the ice made against the hull were monstrous some days.

The black dot grew larger as they approached. It was a sweet, plump crabeater seal, silvery grey in colour, lazing on the floe. Arnold halted when they were in range, and they lay in the snow on their fronts. The cold leached into Charlotte’s belly, but it wasn’t wholly unpleasant after the march to get there.

Arnold braced the rifle butt against his shoulder.

“Can I—can I have a go?” Charlotte asked. She wasn’t quite sure why she was asking.

“Of course.” Arnold passed the rifle to her, and she tried to place her hands as she’d seen him do.

“That’s it, just—” he shuffled right next to her, his arm going over her back and his hand moving her own to the proper place. The rough hair of his beard scratched her cheek, and she froze in place, hardly daring to breathe as heat flared in her core, travelling through her body.

“Now, put your finger on the trigger,” he said.

But she couldn’t. Couldn’t move an inch. Could only think of his body pressed next to hers, of how very close he was. And yes, when she thought she was going to be eaten by Odette, she had thought of him. And yes, he was perfect in every way. All it would take would be for her to lean closer in, to turn her head—but…

“I can’t,” she blurted, the rifle falling with a thud to the snow, her hands shaking. She leant away from him, and the cold air bit at her side where his warmth had been. She screwed her eyes shut, then opened them again when visions of a dark alley flashed behind her eyelids.

“I’m sorry,” Arnold said, his face crestfallen. He snatched his arm back from her. “I didn’t mean—I’m sorry.”

Shame enveloped her just as fiercely as the cold, and she looked upwards into the sky. There was no sign of the albatross today. No sign of her protector.

“It’s not—don’t be sorry. It’s just—the seal. I can’t shoot it. You should do it. Before it gets away.” She looked away and covered her ears, and a few moments later there was a crack as the rifle fired.

The seal lay dead on the ice.