Page 51 of In Between Death and the Devil

“Do you need me to do it?” he asked.

I pressed my lips together, shaking my head. It was just a memory. I could always replay it again, another time. Unless he didn’t let me. I’d come to trust our routine, but he’d disrupted it. I had no idea what was going to happen next. Panic and uncertainty clawed at me.

“Maeve?”

I couldn’t bring myself to let it go. I wanted to see my family so badly it blotted out everything else, but a tiny part of me remembered why we were here. What was at stake. I could imagine my parents’ disappointment if I failed to master my powers just because I wanted to see them one more time.

Tears pricked my eyes as I nodded.

The Devil didn’t ask what I meant. I felt him snip the connection with my memory. The image wavered for a moment and then dissolved.

“Why? Why is tonight different? I’ve been making progress.” I whirled on the Devil, my words sharp.

“Maeve.”

I squeezed my eyes shut at the pity I felt from him.

“Do you know what happens when people face their fears?” he asked. “Memories attached to them change. Sometimes it’s subtle—the colors of what people are wearing, or how bright they are. Sometimes whole parts get left out from recollection to recollection. Your memory hasn’t changed at all.” His voice was full of regret.

My eyes flew open. “I just told you I see my memory of Colt differently. That’s progress.” I flung a hand towards where an echo of Colt had stood moments ago.

“I didn’t say there hasn’t been progress.”

“Then why⁠—”

“You’ve started to look forward to reliving it, even though the pain is just as intense, every time. You look forward to whipping yourself.”

“That’s not true.” I almost choked on the last word. We both knew I was lying.

“You can’t move forward, Maeve, until you’re ready to let them go.”

“I know that. I’m not an idiot.”

“We can’t revisit this memory anymore.”

I stared at him, open mouthed. He was right. I had started to look forward to our sessions together because I got to see my parents and my brother. It was the one positive in my life, being able to not only remember them, but bring that memory to life. To stand in front of the people I loved most in all the realms, even though they were gone. Dead by my hand.

The idea that the night before had been the last time I’d ever get to experience that, was unbearable. If I’d known… “But I need to say goodbye.” My voice broke on the last word.

“Maeve, they’re already gone.” His voice was gentle, softening the harsh words. Comfort flooded our bond, trying to wrap around me. To hold me.

I slammed a mental wall between us, shutting him out. I didn’t need or want his comfort. Anger felt better. “You bastard. You knew this yesterday. You could have said something then. Told me it would be the last time. But instead, you decided I’m some sort of… addict that needed to be cut off in the middle of a fix. So you could make a fucking point.” My eyes burned.

“I didn’t know until tonight what you needed. You could have⁠—”

“Bullshit. You’re an expert in working with souls on things like this.” I jabbed my finger at him.

“You’re right. Which is why I know this is the right choice.” There was only rock-solid resolve in his expression. He wouldn’t change his mind, even if I begged.

I shook my head, tears spilling down my cheeks.

“You need to figure out how to let them go,” he said gently, “and you won’t do that as long as you can revisit them like this.”

I turned away from him and took a shaky breath, willing my heart to slow, my tears to stop, but they wouldn’t. I couldn’t stop the flood of grief that poured out of me.

Strong arms circled me, turning me and pulling me into a broad chest. The Devil rested his cheek on top of my head.

I didn’t have the strength to pull away, and it felt so good to be held. The last time someone had held me like this it had been my mother, which made me cry even harder. I grabbed the front of his tunic, both hands fisted in the fabric as if it were a lifeline. I’d never cried this hard before. Not even when my family died. I’d never felt I had the right, since I’d been the one who killed them. Sobs racked my body and I gasped for breath.