Page 39 of Jealous Guy

“Shit, man. I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t the best.” He chuckles, but the sound quickly fades. When he speaks again, his tone is different. “Afterward, when I got into bed that night, I spiraled a lot.”

“How come?”

He’s still half-smiling, but his eyes are sad. It occurs to me how different his formative experiences were from mine, and how hard all this must have been for him to deal with on his own.

“Because even though it was such a bad kiss, and the guy wasn’t my type at all, it was still better than anything I’d ever done with a girl.” He runs his hand through his hair again, not to smooth or style it, but to use his hand as a shield for his eyes. “It was one of those times it really hit home that I was gay and there was nothing I could do to change it. I just… I’ve struggled with being okay with who I am, I guess. It’s… I don’t know… Sometimes it feels like I’m never going to feel good about it.”

I grab him and crush him to me, holding him so tightly that he starts struggling and spluttering a little. “That’s because you’ve been trying to do this on your own, O, and you don’t have to. You have me to help you with things like this. You are going to feel good about who you are. I’ll make sure of it.”

His laugh is one born in exasperation, or at least, that’s what he wants it to sound like. In truth, he likes it when I’m extra like this. He does. He proves it by not moving away when I release him. He stays close, shifting in his seat slightly so he’s able to rest his head on my shoulder.

I love it when he does things like this. It’s so rare that it makes me feel bulletproof when it happens.

He doesn’t move for a long time, not even when I put my arm around him again. He doesn’t tense either. He softens, snuggling closer without saying a word.

I think it would probably be best for me not to say much either. I haven’t been my best lately, and some nice quiet time and a lot of supportive listening is likely the best way to go.

At the same time, it’s unusual for Orion to let his guard down like this. Super unusual. It honestly does not happen often at all, and there are a bunch of things I think we should talk about, so now might be a good time to do it.

“So, cruising, huh?”

“Ugh.” I can’t see his eye roll, but I can feel it. “I knew you weren’t going to let that go.”

“Kind of a neat concept though, right? Just, like, whatever you want, on offer. Out in the open.” I don’t know if I meant any of that as a question, but a lot of it comes out sounding like one.

“Pretty much.”

I bob my head supportively for so long that it starts feeling like I’m the person who invented the gesture. A big part of me thinks I shouldn’t ask any more questions, but not knowing has been driving me crazy. Crazy. Completely crazy. I haven’t been myself at all, and I’m sure if I ask, I’ll calm down.

I’ll know all the details then. There won’t be this big mystery about it, and I’ll be fine again.

Yes.

I should ask.

I should definitely ask. I’m going to feel so much better when I know everything.

“So, these guys you’re with, do you like, give each other blowies and handies, or what?”

Orion unleashes the longest sigh known to man. “You’re not going to quit until I tell you, are you?”

“I told you everything when I was doing it for the first time,” I remind him. “Seriously, O, you know I did.”

“Fine. Yes, Jordan, I’ve done all that, and if you really must know, I’ve topped a couple of guys too.”

See? I feel better already.

I do.

I mean, yeah, it feels a bit like I’m swallowing glass, but that’s only because this is all so new, and I’m not used to hearing Orion talk like this.

Also, it could be the orange. That orange was seriously fucked.

“Bottoming’s not for you, huh?”

“Uh…” He tenses against my shoulder slightly, so I rest my head against his to let him know it’s okay. I’m his friend, and he can talk to me about anything. “Yeah, I…um, actually, I do want to do it, it’s just…”