Page 29 of The Duke’s Matchmaker

Nathaniel sighed. “That’s the story I tell myself,” he admitted. “The truth is that I don’t know for certain.”

“What do you mean?”

He bit his lip. “My mother left my father,” he said, “but of course she was still legally married to him. She could never hope to have a marriage to anyone else. And I know that there was no father when my mother reached the end of her life, of course, or he would have stepped in to care for Colin. At the very least, I’d think the solicitor would have reached out to him. The staff was able to let me know that he had left her before the baby was born. They didn’t know whether he had ever realized she was with child.”

“Why did he leave her?” Dorothy asked, her eyes wide.

“Because of her marriage to my father. That’s what the members of staff who were willing to speak about it told me,” Nathaniel said. “They say he loved her, and that the relationship between the two of them was a good one while it lasted. But he couldn’t move beyond the way they had to live if they wanted to stay together. They could never be married. They could never be recognized in the eyes of the rest of society. It was too much for him. And I can understand that…but I choose to believe that he died, and that he would have returned to her if he’d known there was a child. I can’t abide the thought that Colin’s father knew of his existence, knew that my mother was alone with a child, and chose not to return. I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for that.”

“Of course.” Dorothy understood. “It makes sense that you would prefer to think he couldn’t come back. I think I would want to believe the same thing if I was in your position.

“Anyway,” Nathaniel went on, “Mother became ill. The staff also informed me about this. She had a terrible sickness. The whole household was lucky not to catch it. The physicians did all they could for her, but apparently her decline was quick, and she died.”

“That’s why you were so quick to panic when you heard that Colin was ill,” Dorothy realized. “You must have thought he was going to meet the same end.”

“Which was foolish. I know he can’t still have the illness that claimed our mother. Too much time has gone by. If he’d gotten sick from being in that house, his illness would have shown itself already. We would already know. This had to be something else. But it still reminded me of the fact that his mother—my mother—was lost to illness. And if it can happen to her, it can happen to Colin, and maybe it will if I’m not careful. It’s my duty to make sure that my brother is well cared for.”

“How long has he been with you?” Dorothy asked.

“A year.” Nathaniel sighed. “I would have expected things to get easier for the two of us by now. I would have thought he would start feeling at home. But his grief is still so sharp. There are days when he sits around and does nothing at all. There are days when he doesn’t touch his food. And now the physician has let me know that this is probably the reason he was ill in the first place—that it’s necessary for him to spend more time out in the sun. If he doesn’t, he won’t be able to fight off illness. So, it’s due to my faulty parenting that he was ill.”

“You mustn’t blame yourself,” Dorothy said, leaning forward. “My parents never took me out of the house very much either when I was growing up.”

“Nor did my father, but perhaps that’s just because he saw that I was spending plenty of time out of doors on my own accord,” Nathaniel said. “I don’t know what to think. If I had seen that Colin never ate anything, of course I would make sure that he had food.”

“It sounds to me as though that’s something you keep an eye on already,” Dorothy agreed.

Nathaniel nodded. “But this is different. This isn’t a need I knew he had, and if I had known, I would have done things differently.”

“Of course you would. That’s not a lack of caring for him.”

“But it means I’m unfit. It means I was never cut out to be a guardian. And yet, I’m the best he has.” Nathaniel sighed. “I know I can’t turn him over to someone else. There isn’t anyone else. He would end up in an orphanage, and I can’t let that happen. It might be even worse. He might end up on the streets.”

“Of course you can’t allow that to happen,” Dorothy said. “Nathaniel, you’re being far too hard on yourself. You care for Colin deeply. That much is obvious. You’re not only fulfilling a duty. If that’s all this was, you wouldn’t drive yourself mad the way you are at the thought that you might not be offering him all that he needs. You would congratulate yourself for what you have been able to give him—food to eat, a roof over his head—and you would go about the business of living your life. But you haven’t done that. You have allowed his presence in your home to completely change your life, to the point that you’re seeking a wife because of him. I know you don’t mean the lady you marry to have a big role in your day-to-day affairs, but you’re a smart man. You know that things will change for you once you’re married, and you’re doing it anyway. Just because you think it will make Colin’s life a little bit better.”

Nathaniel nodded. “I’m not a good guardian for him, and he deserves to have a good parent.” His face was haunted. “He deserves to have someone who knows how to care for him. I’m determined to give him a mother.”

“And that fact alone makes you a good guardian,” Dorothy murmured. “You may not know everything about bringing up a child, Nathaniel, but you’re willing to do whatever it takes. You’re willing to sacrifice whatever you must. Would your father have done the same?”

He flinched a little bit at the question. Dorothy felt bad for having asked it. Maybe she had crossed the line, comparing him to his father like that. It must be difficult for him to even think in those terms.

But she wanted him to see it. He had described his father as a cruel man. Now he was worried that he wasn’t ready to take care of a child, but he had to realize that he was much better suited to that role than his own father had been.

Then again, maybe that’s the reason he worries about it so much. Maybe he remembers his own father and fears being the same way. I cannot imagine it. He is far too kind. But I understand the fear behind it, and maybe my comment didn’t help. Maybe I only sparked more worry.

In spite of her resolution not to, she picked up her drink and took another small sip of it.

She had agreed to help Nathaniel in his quest to find a wife. But tonight, for the first time, she found herself truly wanting to help him. She wanted him to see what she saw—that he was capable of caring for Colin. She wanted to help him create the life he was trying to build for himself and for the boy.

She couldn’t give up until that had been accomplished.

CHAPTER 16

The clock struck ten p.m.

Nathaniel glanced at Dorothy, but she didn’t seem to have reacted to the sound. It was as if she hadn’t heard it at all. Did she realize how late it was getting? Was she simply choosing to ignore the time?

The truth was that Nathaniel wanted to ignore the time. Every moment he spent in her company, something within him seemed to heal. The desperate fear he had felt as they had rushed to get here, and then the sickening guilt at the knowledge that he wasn’t enough to provide what Colin needed…the more he talked to her, the more those dreadful feelings went away. They weren’t gone, exactly, but they had receded to somewhere deep inside him where he didn’t have to think about them.