Page 7 of Dancing With Guilt

Like how innocent she’d been back then, how open the world seemed. Until the night her parents died, that is. That’s when everything spoiled, as far as she was concerned, when the world became scary and dangerous.

“I’m guessing I do, in some ways, Roxie. For years I didn’t know what had happened to you — if you’d been kidnapped, or just run away as everybody said. The police weren’t looking for you, it was like they didn’t care at all. I know because I went to them. They told me you were eighteen, not a suspect in the fire, and that you’d probably, um,” June paused, her cheeks turning pink before she carried on, “had enough of deadbeat parents and left.”

“How could they say that?” Roxie asked, seeing red as soon as the words came out of June’s mouth. “My parents weren’t deadbeats, they were wonderful.”

“I knew that, but the cop I talked to said your dad killed your mom, of course they were bad people. I tried to tell him different, but he wouldn’t listen to me.” June’s face grew redder, and her eyes became like two chocolate shards of ice. “I was so mad at that cop, but there was nothing I could do. I felt like the police were a waste of time, you were gone, and I didn’t know why. I had to grow up quickly, too. Maybe not in the same ways you did, but there was still a lot that changed in the world when you left.”

“I see what you mean.” Roxie felt guilt crush her as she looked at her friend. For the first time, she understood fully what June must have gone through. “I’m sorry I did that to you.”

“You thought it was necessary, and honestly? I understand now. You had to disappear, even from me. But I’d just like to say, I wish you’d taken me with you.” June’s tentative smile made Roxie grin.

“I wish I had too. But I don’t think you’d have wanted to become an exotic dancer like I did.” Roxie laughed, trying to imagine June doing a striptease. She couldn’t.

“I’m stunned you did. Not that I’m judging you,” June hurried to add, “I just can’t believe you had the courage.”

“I needed money and at the time, it seemed like a good way to get it.” Roxie’s shoulders lifted as if to say no big deal. “I was never really self-conscious or anything like that, although my first time on a stage was nearly my last.”

Roxie laughed at the memory and June leaned over to ask what happened in a whisper.

“Well, I had to work there for a while, practice with some of the other dancers, wait tables, and stuff like that. I was so nervous about taking my top off, wondering what would happen, even though I’d watched the people in the club for a couple of weeks. I put it off as long as I could, you see. My boss told me to get up there and make some money or go home. So, I went up and promptly fell flat on my face. You see, I’d practiced, but not in platform shoes. I could barely walk in those things, much less dance.” Roxie’s laugh at herself mixed with June’s and the house was suddenly a much happier place. “My boss was so pissed he nearly fired me, but I’d busted my nose and was bleeding, so I didn’t care. He threatened to fire me again when he figured out there was blood on the stage. They had to shut everything down to sanitize the floor.”

“That sounds like a nightmare to me.” June frowned, but she was still laughing with Roxie. “I wouldn’t have been able to go back up there.”

“You didn’t see how much money those ladies were making in tips. I needed money and that was the fastest way to do it, as far I could see. Now I make even more for half the work. I love it, really.” Roxie took a sip of her juice and thought about how she’d helped River and the other new girls over the years. “If you can’t do it, you can’t, it’s that simple. I came to find I liked it, a lot, and made it my life. I’d have loved to have done ballet, but this? It gave me life.”

“I guess it’s one of those things where you’re either meant to do it or you aren’t. I don’t think I could have done it.” June shook her head and Roxie let it go.

“It’s not something anyone should be forced into, but it’s lucrative. I’ve known college students, even university professors, that have done it to make some extra money. You’ll see at some point, I don’t always strip in my performances now, sometimes it’s just dance and pole work. I do a lot of charity events for Emily and other people now.”

“That sounds interesting,” June said, her curiosity on display. “I’d love to see you perform. I always did admire your skills.”

“It’s a lot different from ballet, but I love dance, no matter how it’s done. This is just a different kind of dance, really.” Roxie picked up her glass again but didn’t drink yet. “It’s definitely adult entertainment, but it’s not trashy.”

“I can’t judge you at all, Roxie, please don’t think I am,” June rushed to say, but Roxie shook her head.

“I don’t think you do, it’s just that a lot of people get all bent out of shape about it. I try to keep it classy.” Inspiration struck and Roxie picked up her phone. “Emily posted a video of my last performance on Facebook, here.”

Roxie scrolled through until she found the video, a private video Emily had posted only for Roxie to see, and pressed play.

“Wow,” June said as soon as the video started, her eyes glued to the screen. “You’re so high up.”

“Watch,” Roxie said with an almost smug smile. She was about to drop halfway down the pole and come to a sudden stop, where she’d spin like a top. Roxie was gratified when June gasped and leaned in closer.

“That’s amazing,” June whispered absently, and Roxie’s smile turned into a grin.

“It’s easy when you know what you’re doing. Muscle control and timing, that’s about all there is to it.” Roxie brushed off the compliment but felt pride in spite of her words. She worked hard to make that all look easy.

“No, it really is amazing. I know you know the technical side of it, but it’s so beautiful. I didn’t know it could look like this.” June looked up with guilt in her eyes. “Okay, maybe I did think it was all about being over the top, but this is skill.”

“Thanks, that means a lot to me.” Roxie didn’t want to say how much it meant to know her friend saw the beauty in her work, but she felt it.

“I’m finished if you want to get back to bed, Roxie,” Lincoln called in to her and Roxie turned to see him coming in.

“Sure, June’s just watching something on my phone, then I’ll be ready.”

He kissed her on the top of the head and went to the fridge to grab water. “I’ll see you there.”

Her eyes followed him, ready to be in his arms again. More than ready.