Page 4 of Rough Love

The look of pain and loss on Sage’s face stuck in Mia's mind as she felt him breathing against her skin, sleeping peacefully at her side. She would never forget how his voice had sounded so pained as he told her his story. She knew already that he was strong but his true strength showed as he opened up to her, trusting her with something that had hurt him for so long. It meant a lot to Mia that he had opened up to her but she wished it had been under different circumstances.

She wished she could take away his pain and she wished she could erase his past from his memory just to spare him of the loss he had suffered. Losing a loved one of any kind would be hard but losing them on the battlefield must've been harder because that would be a memory that would never leave a person's mind. Mia hadn't lost anyone to death before. She had walked away from her family so many years ago, she didn't even know if her mother and father were even still alive. Her mind went back to the few days she had thought Sage had died and that brought so much pain to her but she knew it couldn't compare to the pain Sage had lived with.

He hadn't just lost one person that day, he had lost his entire team and Mia knew that in the military your team becomes your family too. It couldn't have been easy for him to wake up and realize that they hadn't made it. Her heart really did break for Sage. She wouldn't wish that kind of pain on her worst enemy. She knew she wouldn't have been strong enough to live after something like that. She could remember the number of times she had questioned her own life and her pain couldn't even be compared to that of Sage. She had willingly walked away and left her loved ones behind whereas Sage didn't even have the choice.

The story of Sage’s military experience played over in Mia's head long after he was sleeping. Her heart ached for him and the pain he had gone through. She couldn't believe he had suffered something like that all on his own. He had suffered in silence for so long and he had pushed it so deep within himself that he had made himself believe that he was fine. Mia knew he wasn't fine, she had known all along and a part of her was relieved that he had shared his past with her. He had been so vulnerable in front of her, she had wanted to protect him so much. She wanted to protect him going forward but she was unsure about what would happen with Laura being back. How would it change the future she had pictured for herself and Sage?

She laid next to Sage as he snored gently beside her. She knew she wouldn't sleep any time soon so she decided to go to her paint room. Although she wanted to be next to Sage because there was nothing better than having him next to her, she didn't know if she could just stay next to him until tiredness took her.

Her mind was filled with too much, all the information she had learned about Sage just played over in her head. She couldn't deny that there was still some sort of worry in her chest when it came to Laura. Although Sage had reassured her that there was nothing to worry about, she still couldn't think about possibly losing him.

She got up quietly and made her way to her favorite place in the house, the one place she could go to and not feel too much. She could just let everything go. She looked at all the pictures of Sage she had painted over the past few weeks and it made her heart ache even more. What if everything changes from here, she thought. She didn't want to think about it and she didn't want to touch the paintings of Sage. Instead, she took them one by one and moved them, placing them in one corner of the room. She didn't want to look at them either. It was just too hard and too painful for her to look at the gentle face she had painted. To her, his face was almost that of an angel’s and with their lives hanging in the balance, she didn't want to look at them.

Instead, she reached for a blank canvas, one she could pour her emotions on. She needed to start fresh, from scratch, so there was nothing that could take away from all the feelings she had. She needed to release them the only way she knew how. She realized that Sage wasn't the only one who found it hard to talk about feelings because Mia struggled with it too. Although she had tried to show him how she felt there was still a lot that she hadn't said out loud. She knew she would have to tell him eventually, so he would know exactly how she felt.

She doesn't reach for any brushes either as she felt like she needed to touch the paint and connect with the canvas so instead, she dipped her fingers into her paint pots, letting her fingers paint her feelings. Soon her fingers just started to create their own pattern as she painted, letting herself completely go.

She was overwhelmed by her emotions as she started to paint. Her heart ached not only for Sage but for herself. She had been in love with him for so long and now it could all be ruined. She had no idea what her future looked like and for once it looked so out of reach that she wasn't sure if there was anything she could do to get it back onto the right track. It wasn't up to her, nothing was her decision. She couldn't control Sage and what he did, all she could control was how she handled herself. She wanted to break down but she knew that wouldn't help. There was no point in crying, she knew that, but she also knew that it could help her get the knot out of her chest that had started to get bigger the minute she had learned who Laura was to Sage.

She didn't want to let herself go back down a path of sadness with the thought of Sage and Laura being together. It had to be enough that he had told her he wasn't going to leave her.

She still wanted to cry though and she could feel the tears build in her eyes. The hurt and pain were almost too much for her so she continued to paint. Her fingers drew lines and soon mountains and valleys came to life. Greens, browns, and blues all started to mix together, it was completely messy while sharp ridges started coming through as well as smooth planes. She didn't care that it was a mess though, she didn't care that it hardly made any sense and there was no pattern behind it all. All she cared about was getting her feelings out and for a moment it made her feel slightly better.

The painting wasn't something she would paint freely. It wasn't her style because it was completely abstract but she liked it. She had never been someone who conformed to the way society saw things, she didn't want to live her life in a box that someone had set for her which was why she broke almost every rule placed before her and the thought of her life broke her heart. She tried not to think about it, she tried not to let her mind wander back to Laura, the first love of Sage's life because even though she had been his first love, Mia wanted to be his last. She wanted to be with him no matter what but she couldn’t help wondering if they would make it through what had happened now.

What if this woman really is Laura, she thought, would that mean Sage would go back to her? She didn't really believe that but a part of her wasn't sure either. She didn't want to believe that Sage would leave her so easily, not after everything they had been through. Of course, it hadn't been as big as the military and surviving that but they had gone through their own ordeals that had made them stronger and closer than ever. Could that be enough for them to work past it all? Mia was sure it meant something, it had too. She was overcome by emotions as she stopped painting and stood still in front of her work. Tears began to run down her cheeks as the sinking feeling of losing Sage became stronger.

She didn't want to move, she didn't want to go back to bed with Sage and she didn't have the energy to go back to her bed either so she fell to the floor. She grabbed the sheets that she had laid out on the floor and wrapped them around herself before bringing her knees to her chest. She wrapped her arms around herself, making herself as small as possible as the tears became thin and heavy, weighing her down even further. She didn't want to break and she didn't like the fact that she was crying over a man but she had let herself lose herself completely to Sage and the thought of losing him was too much for her to handle. She wasn't sure what she would do if she had to say goodbye to him, if he decided to leave. She didn't want to picture her life without him and that made it even worse for her as she fell asleep to the thoughts of losing Sage to a woman who had been the first person he had loved.

"You know you're stronger than this, right?" a voice said to Mia. She turned and came face to face with her mother. It was clear that Mia had called upon her while she slept.

"Mommy," she breathed. The child in her felt love and joy as she looked at her mother for the first time in years.

"Come here, my darling, everything is going to be okay," her mother said as she stretched out her arms and beckoned Mia to her. She stumbled as she reached for her mother, resting her face in her chest as she wrapped her arms around her. Her mother closed her arms around her and held her close to her, stroking her head with her one hand.

It was such a comfort to Mia. She had missed her mother for the longest time.

"Do you really think I'll be okay?" she asked, her face still buried in her mother's chest.

“Yes, my dear, you are so much stronger than you think and I wish you would realize that for yourself," she replied. Mia didn't move as she savored her mother's touch. She felt like a child again and her mother was there to protect her.

"But I don't feel strong. I feel so weak and useless," she said, a sob escaping her lips as she cried as she had never done before.

“Oh, my dear child, you are not weak and I wish you would stop telling yourself that you are. You have gone through so much and look at you still standing through it all," her mother insisted. Mia thought about what her mother was saying and she knew deep down she was right. She had been through so much in just over 10 years and she had constantly put herself down. She knew she could be stronger and that she should be stronger but she felt incredibly tired.

"I'm just so tired of it all, there always seems to be one thing after the other and I can never catch a break," she huffed. Her mother let her go and placed her hands on the sides of her face, cupping her face like she would've when she was a child.

"That's just how life works. Nothing is ever perfect and you should never expect it to be either. Life is crazy and beautiful. Yes, it is also hard and sometimes miserable but when you look at all the good things you have and focus on that, nothing else really matters. You need to focus on the good in your life, my dear child, only then will things seem better," her mother said. She knew her mother had a point. It all made sense the longer she thought about it. Yes, there were a lot of things in her life that seemed to be uneasy and completely out of her control but there was still so much she could be grateful for. She looked at her life, and she noticed that she still had so much going for her. She had the Hell Kats and the Screaming Demons, she still had Fiona and Grier on her side and even with the uncertainty of it all she still had Sage. Her life wasn't as bad as she had made it out to be. She had a lot to be grateful for.

"Thank you for making me see things in a clearer light," she said with a smile. She felt like she could face anything and even though it wasn't real, she was grateful that her mother had come to her and made her feel better.

"I'm always here for you. I just wish things could be different," her mother said.

A part of Mia knew what she was referring to and she knew she would've wanted things to be different too but it was too late now.

"Me too, Mom, me too. It hasn't been easy for either of us," she replied. As a teenager, she had always wished her mother had been more accepting of her but the version of her mother she had created in her dream was not the true version of her mother.

There was no way they could ever rebuild their relationship and there was no hope for them to ever really be a normal family after all. Mia had always known that.

She sat with her mother a bit longer. They both sat in silence as they enjoyed the moment they shared. It would end soon for Mia and the child in her that had never grown up with her mother would have to let go of the hope that things could ever work out for them.

They sat on a bench, facing a sunset that had appeared before them. Mia rested her head on her mother's shoulder and closed her eyes.

"I'll miss you," she said. Sadness filled her heart as the sun set completely before them and it was goodbye.