Page 23 of Rough Trip

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She wasn't sure if Sage was ignoring her or if he had just left without wanting to disturb her, but he remained out late that night and again left the following morning before she could see him. She was slowly beginning to realize that he was obviously ignoring her. And she couldn't understand why. He seemed to blow hot and cold every other day it was all very confusing to Mia. She wished he would pick a mood and stick to it. It was driving her crazy constantly wondering why he would be ignoring her. She hadn’t done anything besides have sex with him, but he was there, and he showed no signs of stopping it so she honestly couldn’t understand him. He could’ve easily told her to back off, but he had kissed her back. She felt his need and want for her in the kisses they shared.

She had gone to the bar with the Hell Kats so she could have a drink with her new friends and her team. She finally belonged somewhere again and she couldn't be happier. She also needed a distraction because she was constantly consumed by thoughts of Sage, like where he was, why didn’t he want to see her, and did he not enjoy having sex with her as much as she had enjoyed being with him? She had been enjoying herself, having a few drinks and dancing with the rest of the Hell Kats. It was the first time in a long time where she felt really happy. She smiled and joked around with the girls. She hadn’t expected to see Sage any time soon and especially at the bar so when she saw him walk into the bar, it had thrown her completely off guard. He had been avoiding her for days, and she couldn’t deny that her feelings were hurt. Did he just use me for sex, she had asked herself. She knew the sex was great. She had been there and she had felt the chemistry between them. It wasn’t lacking passion at all so she couldn’t understand why he had pulled away from her, and even Sage wouldn’t be able to deny the heat that exploded between them.

He’s not worth it, she tried to tell herself. She knew she was worth more than that, worth more than just sex. Worth more than being treated like trash.

She was worth more than allowing a man to get under her skin the way she had allowed Sage to and she was definitely worth more than letting a man’s actions toward her make her feel less confident within herself. She could not understand why Sage would be so cruel to her. If he wasn’t interested, he could've just told her because he was constantly contradicting himself.

He had constantly told her it wasn’t going to happen and yet they had slept together a couple of times and every time she could sense it wasn’t just physical for either of them. There had to be something more that Sage just wasn’t willing to admit. Sage had given in to her just as much as she had given in to him, so she knew she hadn't forced him to do anything. He had been more than willing to get into bed with her both times and even the night they almost slept together for the first time she could tell he wanted her. He always had a burning look in his eyes whenever he looked at her and she could tell.

However, when he saw her as soon as he entered the bar, instead of even acknowledging her, his eyes glazed over her as if she wasn't even standing there, and he continued to just walk straight past her and headed straight for the bar where he greeted all the men at the bar and got himself a drink. Mia couldn’t believe it. She had to tell herself not to break down right there in front of everyone. The sting of rejection hit her hard in the chest, and she felt as if he had just ripped her heart out. How could he have seen her in her most vulnerable state and then just chucked her away like rubbish? Tears pricked her eyes and her throat burnt with emotion that had begun to rise to the surface.

She couldn’t stand to look at him, and she could not act as if everything was fine. She couldn’t stay at the bar any longer as seeing Sage there was just too much. He made her sad and frustrated all at the same time, and that was just way too much emotion to feel all at once, so she decided to say goodbye to the Hell Kats and headed out of the bar. She didn’t need him, that was for sure. She wanted to be alone for once. Even though she had been alone for a while, this time it would be by choice.

She hadn’t gotten a car yet, and she didn’t think it would be a good idea to hop on a bike and ride home since she had had a few drinks before Sage had shown up, so she called for a taxi and went home, wanting to be as far away from Sage as humanly possible. He had ruined her night, and she felt sorry for herself. She shouldn’t have allowed him to ruin her night because she was there for herself and not him but what was done was done and she just wanted to think about everything by herself.

She had felt so unbearably alone at the house for so long that she had started to hate the silence that she would often feel enveloped in, but when she got home that night she was thankful for it. She needed to process her thoughts and the best way for her to do that was in silence. She couldn’t ever understand why Fiona had gotten the two of them such a big house and with Sage constantly avoiding her, it felt bigger and lonelier every single day. She would often find herself sitting alone at the dinner table, sitting alone in the lounge watching tv. For Mia, it felt as if she was living with a ghost. She sat in her room in silence, thinking over and over again that she should not allow herself to get so emotional over Sage. She could feel the tears threatening to fill her eyes once again, wanting a chance to let go and rush down her cheeks, but Mia wasn’t about to let herself cry over a man. You have been through worse things in your life, she told herself, you have no reason to cry over someone who clearly is not good for you. Sage didn’t deserve her tears, and she definitely should not shed any because of him.

After she had been sitting in her room for a while, she decided to run a warm bath, filled with bubbles, with candles, some music, and some wine. She wanted to try to calm herself before she went into his room and trashed the place. That was a thought she had had in her mind the whole way home from the club.

She would’ve gone straight to his room and destroyed it, she would’ve started with his things in his bathroom. She would’ve emptied out all of the tubes of product he had, his body wash, his creams, his hair products, shaving cream, toothpaste, everything. She would empty it all into the sink, creating a mess that he could clean up. She would’ve then moved on and gone into his bedroom. She wouldn’t just remove things from shelves. She would cut up his clothes and chuck them everywhere. She would’ve made holes in all of his shoes. Her imagination had run wild during her ride home, but she knew she was better than that, so she didn’t bother.

She climbed into the bath that she had run herself and submerged herself in the bubbles, downing her already poured glass of wine and then reached for the bottle. She stayed in the bath for a few minutes trying to relax. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on the music, but it wasn’t working, and soon she got out of the bath and changed into a set of old clothes.

Mia decided this would be the best time to get her art supplies out so she could release her emotions properly while doing something she loved. She hadn’t gotten around to using them since she had bought them and she felt that this was as good a time as any. So she took her supplies out of her cupboard and placed them into one of the offices closest to her bedroom. She then moved and covered all the furniture, so she had enough space to lay out her art supplies and to keep the furniture from getting any paint on them in the process because she didn’t want to actually damage anything while she found her release. She knew it could get messy depending on how carried away she got, and she had a feeling that she would definitely be getting carried away. Her emotions were at a tipping point.

She had never thought that she would ever feel crazy, crazy enough to want to damage things that weren’t hers. She had always managed to keep herself controlled and calm, but she had never felt like this before, and right then she blamed Sage. It was all his fault.

She set up one of the blank canvases she had bought and placed it on an easel. She stared at her tubes of paint for a long while before she reached over and picked up her first color of choice, black. Black suited her emotional state, she was starting to feel empty inside, and she hated it. She knew she was stronger, but she had been bottling up her feelings for far too long, and she could no longer hold them back. If she could, she’d much prefer hitting Sage, calling him names in the process.

She almost covered the entire canvas with black. It started as a blob right in the middle of the canvas, but after she started to work with it, she could see it transforming into something. She reached for her second color of choice, grey. It was clear to her that it was her sadness coming through, she could feel it with every brush stroke. She did not necessarily focus on what she was painting. She just let herself get wrapped up in the movement of the strokes, and before she knew it, she had found a rhythm, painting here and shadowing there. She was consumed. When she decided to take a step back so she could look at what she had painted, she could make out a silhouette had been made with the black paint while she had used the grey to paint the background, then she had mixed the black and grey together causing a contrast. It showed a saddened atmosphere surrounding the silhouette. It made her mad to see how she had lost herself within her emotions. She had always tried to stay strong, but with Sage, she had somehow let herself go. She had let her emotions get the best of her, and now she felt like a stupid teenager who had gotten their heart broken.

She could never understand the effect he had on her. He had gone out of his way to ignore her most of the time, but somehow she had still managed to get wrapped up in him, and he had crept into her mind almost all the time. She felt stupid for ever thinking he could possibly feel the same about her. A part of her wanted to break the canvas. She couldn’t bear the frustration she had with herself and Sage.

The longer she stared at the painting, the more frustrated she got so she reached for her paints and picked up the one red she had bought. At the time she had been drawn to it because of how deep it was, and as she painted with it, she couldn’t help but be reminded of blood. She was completely enraged at that point, almost making slashing movements on the canvas. In her mind, she was not picturing hurting anyone while she moved her brush, but she was releasing all of her anger, and it felt good to her when she could almost slash through the sadness that she had put on the canvas in front of her. She had to remind herself that she should not be sad. She had to let go of that feeling. In her mind, she was cutting through it, cutting the sadness out of herself. Cutting the emotional wounds open so all her pain would collapse outside of her. She pulled away from the painting, looking at it long and hard. She had gone side to side with the red, some slashes were bigger than others, the biggest one being on the chest of the silhouette. To her, it symbolized her chest, her opening her chest so she could release all the pain and hurt she felt from Sage. He had made her feel so lost and confused but painting had definitely helped to get rid of some of those feelings. She had completely forgotten what it felt like to feel pain again and she soon couldn’t understand why she had ever stopped.

She proceeded to pick up a bright yellow tube of paint and as the red slashes were angled from side to side of the canvas, she started to place the yellow in the centers of each symbolic slash, as if to show a bit of light coming through. She knew she could do better and she knew she had to gain more control over her emotions from then onward. She needed to remind herself that through everything she was strong and powerful. She never needed anyone to reassure her of that because she knew it deep down in her heart.

The reason she had always been drawn to painting was because of how it had made her feel. She could always almost instantly feel a difference in herself when she got wrapped up in a painting, letting her mind go completely while her hands did all the work. She hadn’t felt so good in a long time and so she decided to pick up a fresh canvas to create another piece as she still felt like she had more emotions pent up inside. She moved the first painting into one corner of the office so it could dry.

The second painting wasn’t as dark and wasn’t as sad, but she could tell she still had sadness in her heart and she wasn’t sure if that would go away until the situation between her and Sage had been resolved. She needed to hear from his own mouth exactly what was going on between them because the guessing game was definitely not working for her. Her emotions were already too involved, and she wanted to know if the feelings were at all mutual.

In her head, she had come to believe that they weren’t mutual due to the way Sage had been treating her recently, but she couldn’t understand why he had shared a bed with her, why he had had sex with her if she meant nothing to him. Mia wasn’t the type of girl who slept with just anyone and Sage must’ve known that. Why would he take advantage of her like that? she thought to herself.

Sage also knew that she had had a hard life, mostly caused by herself but nevertheless it didn't change the fact that, out of all people, Sage should show her more respect than he had lately. She had shared her life story with him. He knew almost all her flaws and faults. He should've been kinder to her. He should've been honest and stuck to his word if he didn't want anything to happen between the two of them.

Mia tried not to focus on Sage anymore as she continued to paint, and the more she painted, the better she felt. She knew she should paint more often, especially when her head started getting all confused. She thought about why her parents didn't want her to be an artist when she was younger, and it was probably because they could never understand the feelings she was trying to portray. She knew it was hard for people to understand the emotions of someone else when that person had no experience with the same feelings. She knew she was talented all those years ago, and she knew she was still talented now. She just didn’t have anyone who understood her. She thought no one would ever be able to understand her. Sometimes she struggled to understand herself. She often thought about her life and how it would’ve been if she had started with her parents and while she was painting, she couldn’t help but feel a little vulnerable.

Once she had completed three paintings, she stared at the differences between them, each one of them getting lighter with more grey and less black, as well as the red and yellow mixed together to create an orange halo of light. She could deal with that for now. She headed to her bathroom for a shower. She was a messy painter, and so she had managed to get paint in her hair, on her face, under her nails and a little bit on her clothes. She would have to look into getting some overalls so she wouldn’t ruin any more clothes because she knew she would continue to paint whenever she could.

She got into a hot, steaming shower, rinsing off the paint and the feelings of the day. She stood in the shower for a while just letting the water rush over her, picturing it cleansing her from her head to her feet, and on some level she pictured it cleansing her heart and soul. She washed herself until her body stung. She felt that the harder she rubbed her skin, the better she felt, as if she were new again. After stepping out of the shower, she patted herself dry, got dressed in fresh pajamas, and decided to make herself a cup of tea before she headed to bed. She would’ve tried to stay up and wait for Sage like she normally did, but she decided not to waste her time, and so she climbed into bed and soon fell asleep dreaming of Sage because even in her sleep she couldn't stop thinking about him.

"I love you, Mia," said Sage.

She knew she couldn't deny that she loved him too. She had been denying it within herself for so long that she knew she just wanted the words to fall out of her mouth. Just like a river had no control over the water that flowed through it, Mia had no control over her feelings for Sage.

"I love you too," she replied with a goofy grin plastered on her face. Sage looked so angelic, his brown hair flowing around his head, creating a halo effect. Mia felt extremely happy in that moment. Sage had told her he loved her, and now they could finally be together, like she had always wanted.