Page 172 of Lethal Obsession

It all happens in a split second, and I doubt anyone but Jack noticed, but the fact that I came that close to simply losing all control shakes even my composure.

I turn away from him as the surgeon stammers out his thanks, my entire body trembling, trying to think of something, anything, other than what made the surgeon’s face change the way it did.

He doesn’t think Lars is going to make it through this. I know it, can see it on his face, just like I can see in horrifying detail how Lars must look at this very moment.

Don’t. Christ, don’t, or you’ll lose it, right here in front of everyone.

“What about Stevanovsky?” I snap, trying to swallow my nausea.

“Already out of surgery.” Jack eyes me warily. “They’ve taken a bullet out of his arm and are treating burns down the other side of his body. How he stayed conscious is a mystery, let alone keeping Lars afloat as long as he did.”

But he’s still fucking alive.

I’m almost glad Mickey isn’t anywhere close by. Right now I don’t trust myself not to kill him.

The worst of it is that I know that urge makes no sense. It isn’t Mickey’s fault Lars is lying on a table with half his head blown off and a less than even chance of survival.

If anything, Mickey is the reason Lars has any chance at all.

If you’re looking for someone to blame, motherfucker, I hear Lars’s dry voice in my mind, take a long look in the mirror.

The room spins around me, and suddenly I have the same horrible sense I did the other night on the yacht, of the world receding from view. Spotting the sign for a bathroom, I make a beeline for it, the cubicle door swinging closed behind me just before I sink to my knees, retching until there’s nothing left to lose.

I stagger out to the sink and grip the hard enamel edge, my whole body trembling as I gulp water from the tap. Putting my head under the tap, I rinse my face clean, desperately trying to get my shit together.

I’ve never lost it like this.

Not even back when I was a kid and the Orlovs forced me to do unspeakable things with a knife.

Never felt my insides break apart like this, as if there’s no earth beneath my feet and nothing left inside to keep me upright. All I can do is imagine the many different ways a sniper’s bullet would destroy a man’s head.

After so many years spent killing people, I can imagine quite a lot.

And the thought of such destruction being wrought on the smiling face that has been my comfort and solace through the darkest nights of my life is a horror beyond anything I’ve ever felt.

The only thing that has ever come close was when Ofelia went missing.

And that was your fault too, motherfucker, Lars’s voice chides me again.

The room spins again. Breathing deeply, I press my eye shut, then open it, staring at the sunken socket on the other side of my face.

Hey motherfucker, if I make it out of this, we’ll be all matching and shit . . .

Some bizarre part of me wonders if hearing Lars’s voice in my head means that somewhere, somehow, he’s still alive.

The door opens, and I flip my eye patch back down, keeping my face lowered. The last thing I want is to make conversation with a stranger.

It takes a beat before I realize the intruder is Benny, standing behind me, face gaunt as he watches me in the mirror. “Is he going to die?”

I shake my head abruptly and straighten up, reaching for the paper towel. “I don’t know.”

Going to the sink beside me, he splashes water on his face, then grips the porcelain edge, water dripping down his cheeks. “When are Ofelia and Lourdes coming?” When I don’t answer, he turns around and stares at me, his eyes narrowing. “Oh, I see,” he says slowly. “It didn’t occur to you that they should be here. You know, since Mickey is Ofelia’s brother and Lourdes’s boyfriend.”

I glare at him in the mirror. “Fuck off, Benny.”

“Sure.” He looks at me bleakly. “Fuck you, too.” Pushing past me, he goes back into the waiting area. After a time, I follow him.

Jack is in the corridor, deep in a phone conversation. He shakes his head when I catch his eye, indicating that there’s no news.