Page 181 of Carousel

The word rips out of me. “Liar.”

I keep walking. I’ve never left a place so fast in my life.

Never hated a person as much, either.

If I could go back in time and stop myself from resuscitating him, and meeting him, on my beach I would.

A thousand times over.

Sisters, I would.

CHAPTER 31

The Traitor and The Spy

Ihead straight up to Deck 9. I’m dripping water all over the wooden floors, but I don’t care.

I ring the bell for The Bridge with violence.

It’s Meg who opens the door. I push past her. She says my name, but I charge straight to Dezeeves. He’s sitting opposite Riss, papers strewn on the table in front of them.

He jerks up. “What is the⁠—”

I crash down onto the seat next to his, stabbing my finger at what I recognise is my Integration book.

“Integrate me,” I order him, invading his personal space the way he’s been invading my mental one. “Right now. No more tests. No more games.”

“Ara, calm down,” Riss says, flicking her eyes as if to say or you’re going to get yourself killed.

“No,” I say. “No, I’m not going to calm down.”

I get out of my seat again. Start pacing.

I’m aware there isn’t a single officer not staring at me at this point, but I plough on.

“I’m angry Dezeeves,” I say, letting the hatred I feel for him, for Drake, for my entire situation, heat my gaze. “You have had me dancing around you. What you just made me endure was utterly degrading, and⁠—”

His brows go heavy over his pale eyes. “What did I just make you endure, Ara?” He rolls his hand, relaxed. “A bath with a friend, without your keepers? I thought you would appreciate the freedom.”

I’m shaking my head.

He’s not going to mess with me like this.

“That’s not what you offered me, and you know it.” I shoot around to Meg, who I’m aware has slunk behind me. “And you. You’re no better.”

“What have I done?”

“You know what you’ve done.”

No one is reacting. It’s aggravating.

I turn back to Dezeeves. Stand over him. “I know what Integration really is.” I slam my fist on my book. “So, Integrate me!”

He seems concerned. “Are you quite sure, Ara? Correct me if I am wrong, but you and Drake had seemed – to me, at least – adamant to begin with that you didn’t want to Integrate at all.”

I’m panting. “I can’t do it anymore,” I say. “All the tests. You’re just going to keep putting me in the same room as him.” I shake my head again. “It’s done, Dezeeves. End it, so I can be part of the crew – and be with Cosmer, when he’s free. You want me in your crew, don’t you? You got what you wanted. You’ve converted me.”

Dezeeves gathers the papers to himself. Places my book on top.