Page 17 of Playing Santa

“We have to go.” I avoid his eyes as I clear the dishes. “I—we shouldn’t have stayed this long.”

He reaches out an arm and tugs me toward him as soon as I turn from the dishwasher and before I can make good on my words to leave.

“You know I’m attracted to you, right? I’d really like more than a professional relationship. I’d like to date you.”

“Date?” I turn away. I need to turn him down and in spite of the fact that I know how ridiculous the idea is that we could date, I’m having a hard time turning him away. I have no idea how to explain how I feel without sounding ridiculous because I’m so torn and confused now. I can’t tell him I’m not attracted to him. Even if I wanted to lie I know I couldn’t pull off that whopper. So I say the quick and easy thing, the lame and cowardly thing.

“I’m not comfortable leaving Jimmy. I haven’t dated—"

“No worries. Jimmy is always welcome. How about if we go out for dinner next Monday night? All three of us.” He gives me a look like he wants to devour me alive and my insides flip like crazy. “We can come back here after dinner,” he adds. “For desert.”

“Desert?” I can’t help the tremble in my voice, the pounding in my chest. He holds me, his muscles hard, his body solid. Everything about him is solid and sure, the opposite of what my life has been like, uncertainty hovering close on my heels for years. Too many years.

“Give yourself a break, Ronnie.”

Something in me cracks, leaving me open to the wanting, remembering the easy happy childhood and how life used to be, longing to believe it could be that way again, that I’m that normal person with a right to expect simple pleasures, that I’m not an unwanted loser, a cast-off with no one. That maybe a man like Sean could want me. For real.

Hah. Don’t be a fool, Ronnie.

What do I have to lose? Everything. My self-respect. My son’s heart—I could be opening Jimmy up to a broken heart. I could be setting myself up to lose this dog-sitting gig—

“It doesn’t have to be a date. Just dinner. Business. We can talk about your dog-sitting business.”

Is he a mind-reader or am I that pathetically readable? I give him a skeptical look.

“Or it could be a date.”

“I’ll think about it,” I say because I’m sure I’ll be able to think of nothing else now that he’s put the dangerous notion into my head. “But just so you know, on a first date, I think of desert as a piece of cake.” My nerve shocks me and everything in me vibrates with anticipation and need as if we’re talking about jumping in bed in the next five minutes. I have no business going down this road. No business flirting.

“Wouldn’t this be our second date?” His grin is impossible to ignore

My stomach tumbles, a sensation I’m getting used to with him around.

“Technicality.” I wave a hand. “You like cake, right?” I need to get us back on track.

“I do have a sweet tooth.”

“Of course you do.”

“What about you?” He asks.

“I like sweets. Cake most of all.” I’m playing with fire, flirting with him, but I can’t help it, he’s been so sweet and he’s making me drool, making it so hard for me to be good. But I keep Jimmy first in my mind and know I can keep Sean Patrick at bay, even if we flirt. It’s been so long since I’ve let myself even think about a man. Six years. Since before Jimmy was born. It’s been easy, without a smidgeon of temptation up until now.

“You’ve been so good with Jimmy,” I say. Jimmy snuck back into the family room all bundled up in his coat and hat to lie on the couch with Dasher on his chest, cuddled under his chin, both snoring.

“He’s a great kid. I like him.”

“It shows that you had kid brothers and sisters growing up. I bet you’re the oldest.” I walk softly into the family room even though I’m going to have to wake Jimmy to bring him home. Sean follows me and I stop, watching Jimmy, letting the picture of him so content, warm my heart.

“You’re right,” Sean says. “Maybe you’ll meet my siblings one of these days.”

I turn to him and give him my usual skeptical look. He throws an undaunted arm around me.

“Hey, how would you like to come to a game?” He smiles as if his invitation is perfectly normal, as if we’re best of buds, known each other for ages. He spins my head, all kinds of emotions shriek to life.

“A Militia football game?” I’m embarrassed at the high pitch of my voice, and quickly check to see if I’ve awakened Jimmy, but he’s still asleep. I can’t believe Sean’s asking me about going to a game. Tickets to games are crazy expensive. And how do I tell him I don’t have a car or money for an extra Uber ride except maybe once a week to the grocery store? I don’t tell him. No way do I want this man’s pity. He’s so far out of my league in every possible way, I have to work at not pitying myself.

Shaking my head, I square my shoulders. “No thank you.” His smile falters and I’d swear that handsome face of his looks disappointed, so I add, “But it’s nice of you to offer.”