Page 3 of The Devil

“You have as long as I say you have,” Cassian tells her. Then, to the priest, “We’ll wait.”

“I have another ceremony—” the priest starts but one glance from Cassian and he shuts his mouth. Smart.

“He’ll be here,” Cassian repeats, his words final. I hear his muttered curse as Allegra whispers some reassurance to him.

Just then, the door crashes open and all heads turn as Jet walks into the church. When he sees all eyes on him, he stops, clears his throat.

“Ah, you’re all here,” he says as if he’s not the one who’s late. He adjusts his tie and I see the cut, bruised skin of his knuckles. His eyes meet mine, a deep forest green that never fails to make every hair on my body stand on end. That seems to have a thousand butterflies taking flight in my stomach.

After a moment, Jet shifts his gaze to Cassian and gives an infinitesimal nod.

Cassian looks to the priest whose name I don’t remember. “Now you may begin,” he tells the older man.

Jet takes his place at my side, and my heartbeats quicken at his nearness. I smell the cool air of outside and beneath that, the scent of leather and man and violence.

The violence is new. At least to me. But I haven’t been around much the last few years.

The priest raises the crucifix he’s holding and makes the sign of the cross. “What name do you give your child?” he asks after a few minutes of prayer.

Allegra and Cassian answer together. “Seth.”

Seth. After Cassian’s brother who passed away four years ago.

Jet tickles baby Seth’s chin and the baby squirms, then settles. I see the smear of dried blood on the cuff of his shirt and shift my gaze up to his to find his eyes already on me. He gives me a wink and tugs the sleeve of his jacket down.

“What do you ask of God’s church for Seth?” the priest continues and Allegra and Cassian answer, but I tune it out. I stare at the tiny, squirming bundle in my arms as the priest smears sacred oil on his forehead making the sign of the cross.

Little Seth opens his eyes as water is dribbled over his head. Hands ball into fists and he scrunches up his face, angry. He draws a deep breath in, the scream building. Just before it goes full blast, Allegra bends to whisper to him, soothing him in a way not dissimilar to how she soothes Cassian. She kisses his cheek. He quiets instantly settling into sleep again.

Like father like son.

I look up at them, Cassian wrapping his arm around Allegra, hand curling possessively over her hip. They both watch their first-born with a kind of awe that is breathtaking. But it’s when they look at each other that the feeling turns to an ache, to a longing inside me.

I’m happy for my sister. Well, she’s not my sister, not by blood, but she’s the closest thing to it and even after everything that’s happened, she treats me like I’m her sister. And I’m so happy for her having found Cassian. So, the part of me that feels that ache is not jealousy or envy. It’s want.

I want someone to look at me like that.

I want someone to hold me like Cassian holds Allegra. Like he’ll never let her go no matter what.

Like she’s his entire world.

But that’s not in the cards for me. How can it be, considering who I am. What blood flows in my veins. What violence was committed to bring me into this world.

I swallow down the shame that rises in my throat.

Allegra lays her hand over Cassian’s, and I see another expression of that violence. Another thing Malek did.

My damage is on the inside. Allegra’s is right there for everyone to see.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath in forcing the thoughts down. Down. Down. But it’s only temporary.

Every time I look at her, I am reminded.

And sometimes, I see that I’m not the only one.

As if he heard my thoughts, as if he’s thinking exactly the same thing, when I open my eyes, I see Cassian’s are on me. Only after a moment does he turn back to the priest.

He knows it too. He knows I don’t deserve the place I have in his family. The one Allegra insists is mine.