Page 70 of Fangs with Benefits

‘Since after my birthday.’

‘Three weeks? Molly June, you dirty dog.’ Hailey puts the bite she abandoned to yell at me in her mouth and I take the opportunity to try to rush out an explanation while she chews.

‘I didn’t want to make it a thing because it’s not a thing, it’s casual. I show him around New York, he buys me dinner, we make out on the sidewalk outside my building at night, that’s it.’

‘You’ve been full on dating this guy for most of November and the last I heard about him is that he’s shit at his job? What the fuck happened?’

‘We’re not dating,’ I deny, maybe too effusively. ‘We’re hanging out, that’s it. Neither of us wants a relationship.’

Hailey blinks and rolls her head on her neck like she has to reorient herself to this new world we’re in where I’m casually going out with my coworker. I get it, I do. It’s been a lot to process for me too.

‘I don’t know how it happened, he just kind of… charmed me? He’s kind of sweet, actually? I don’t know.’ I shrug like I too can’t fathom how this came to be, but it did and this is indeed the world we now live in.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asks, then, before I can answer, ‘Is he a good kisser?’

‘Absurdly good at kissing,’ I say on an exhale. ‘And I don’t know why I didn’t tell you, it’s just felt fast. And fragile.’

‘Do you want to date him? Like secretly in your heart of hearts?’

‘No,’ I say automatically, then tilt my head and frown. ‘I don’t think so.’

Hailey nods like this is about the answer she expected and takes a sip of her margarita. People chatter on at the tables around us and the waiter places two bowls of potato leek soup in front of us. It is my favourite, and I think I have literal stars in my eyes while I take the first bite.

‘I don’t know that Elijah and I are compatible long term,’ I say tentatively, after another spoonful of soup. Hailey purses her lips and lowers her eyebrows in question. ‘We have different life goals. So, this thing is temporary and chill and then we’ll go our separate ways.’

‘What are your life goals?’ she asks, ever straightforward.

I close my mouth and think about it. I used to feel like my goals were so clear. I wanted to write books and see them in bookstores, wanted my short stories to win big awards, wanted to teach adjunct at my old university sometimes, and I thought Matt and I would probably have a few kids. I’d love them as big as I could imagine and we’d spend summers somewhere nice and Christmas with my family in Utah. It all felt very clear to me then.

And now I just feel like I was deeply naive.

‘I’m still figuring it out,’ I say finally. ‘Writing, yeah, and I think I still want to do the family thing, but it feels so far away and I don’t really know how to get back to the road there.’

‘And the coworker?’

‘He’s not interested in something long term,’ I say, though I don’t know what he is and isn’t interested in. He’s said that he can’t be in a relationship on account of the vampire thing, but who knows? Maybe he wants to find another vampire and spend eternity with them. Maybe I’m just the stepping stone to bring him into the twenty-first century so he can find his forever.

‘What is it with men and their fear of just committing these days? They talk about the male loneliness epidemic, but I think they should be lonelier,’ Hailey says.

I sit up straighter and raise both eyebrows at my friend.

‘What happened to the drummer?’ I ask, mini-rants not unheard of from her but also indicative of her current relationship status. Hailey sighs, her chin dropping between her shoulders before she shakes her head. ‘Oh, Hail, I thought it was going good!’

‘It was. I don’t even really know what happened–we were talking every day and he was sleeping over and cooking me breakfast and waiting for me after rehearsals, and then he just… ghosted me? But when I asked him about it, he said he was just busy, but I’m not fucking stupid, I know he’s ghosting me.’

‘I hate him,’ I decide, and squeeze her wrist across the table. ‘I’m sorry, Hail.’

Hailey rests her chin on her palm and gives a light but long sigh. She’s so pretty–classically so, with big hazel eyes and high cheekbones. Moreover, she’s just good: kind, funny, caring, generous, loving. She’s my best friend and seeing her lonely and sad in love always makes me want to scream.

‘I don’t hate him, I just wish he would’ve talked to me. I don’t know.’ She shrugs her shoulders. ‘Feels like a miracle to find someone you actually like these days, and then to have them like you back–to be compatible, attracted to each other and have fun together, it just feels so rare. Like how the hell does anyone fall in love any more?’

‘And if you do fall in love, how do you ever really know they’re not going to hurt you?’ I ask, adding my relationship quandary to the pile.

‘Well, that one’s a given,’ Hailey says simply. ‘We all hurt each other. Relationships might be about hurting each other in a million little ways forever, but I think the trick is doing your best and finding someone you want to forgive as many times as they forgive you.’

‘Have you been reading those book club self-love books again?’ I ask, but I’m moved and shaken by the concept. My parents have been sickly in love for my whole life, though Mom would say that there were some years that they didn’t like each other as much as they loved each other. In those times, I guess, they were trying to do a lot of forgiving both ways, for the little ways we’re all bound to do wrong by each other. But it was in that forgiving, the holding on, the loving-despite-not-liking that they found their way back to each other.

‘Love just feels a little like trying to catch a tiny leaf in water,’ Hailey says, and returns to her soup. ‘But I have to believe we’ll get it sorted.’