Page 9 of Balance

“I think…” I leaned closer and lowered my voice so it was just above a whisper, making him have to lean in and strain to hear me. “I think you don’t know what you need, and you’re terrified that you might want one.”

Troye did scoff that time. Big and loud and exaggerated, the way a kid might when you caught them in a lie.

“Don’t be stupid,” he said. “That’s the last thing I want.”

“Okay.” I grabbed my laptop and opened it up again. There was no way I was going to get more work done, but I needed Troye to think I was indifferent to him and him seeing my stupid erection would give away the fact that I was anything but.

CHAPTER 5

TROYE

Not unless you ask me.

Those words had been a knife through my soul. I imagined him overpowering me, not like it would take much, to be honest. Strength and stamina weren’t my strong suits. But I sort of imagined him just… taking. Like he’d get fed up enough and then put me over his knee and…

Not unless you ask me.

Ugh. Who said that kind of thing to someone? Who would fucking ask for a spanking? I mean… It sounded humiliating. The idea of being put over his knee. Would he take my pants down first? Would he… oh, fuck. If I got hard—like I was getting now—would he be able to tell? Shit. He would. What if he got hard?

I think you don’t know what you need.

Well, he had me pegged with that one. I had no argument, not even to myself. I certainly had nothing to say to Matthew, who sat stoically typing away on his laptop as if he hadn’t offered to spank me.

Not unless you ask me.

Fuck my whole entire life. I was not curious enough to ask for a spanking. Instead, I pulled out my phone and climbed under the covers and scrolled through social media for a while. I commented on a few things on my gamer accounts, tossed out an update to my followers that I was stuck in an airport hotel for the night. Conveniently leaving out the fact that I wasn’t alone. When that got boring, I closed social media and went to one of my cozy games.

I had no idea how much time passed, but suddenly Matthew closed his laptop again. He tidied up the empty food containers—oops—and then climbed in under the covers. When he clicked the lamp off, the only remaining light in the room was my phone and the light from the bathroom that had been left on. It didn’t seem to bother Matthew so I wasn’t about to get up and turn it off.

Matthew lay on his side, facing away from me, and for some reason I hated that. It felt like a rejection. Like I wasn’t good enough to talk to all of the sudden. I let my phone screen go dark, and then I set it on the nightstand. I told myself that I’d go to sleep too.

Only that didn’t work. My left side wasn’t comfortable, so I rolled onto my right side. But lying there, facing the back of Matthew's head kind of pissed me off. I didn’t even want to look at him, so I rolled onto my back. That was kind of better, but my legs felt jittery, like I needed to move them. Keeping them still was agony so I shifted around a lot, trying to get the sensation to go away. It happened sometimes when I was too worked up about something.

“Will you stay still?” Matthew said instead of goodnight. Or hey, are you okay? Or literally anything else he could’ve said.

“No,” I told him, matter of fact. “I can’t.”

To prove my point, I shifted my legs more. My motions fluffed the covers, and I could hear the way my skin sounded sliding around on the sheets.

Matthew let out a hefty sigh. And that pissed me off too. How dare he sigh at me. Well, not at me, because he wasn’t even looking at me.

I shimmied my legs around again, this time trying to be as irritating as possible. I turned my head to look at the dark blob that was Matthew. He was as still as a stone, and I was the river raging all around him. He was just existing, unaffected.

“Maybe you should go for a walk if you’re restless.”

“Okay.” I practically sprang up out of bed.

Matthew’s next sigh wasn’t as loaded. He probably thought that I’d put some shoes on and wander down to the lobby. Maybe find a bar and have a nice drink. Or find some guy to spank—no. What? To suck me. Yes. That's what I’d been thinking about.

And as tempting as that was, I didn’t want to leave the room. So I started pacing. Back and forth through the room. Matthew sighed again.

“Troye, for the love of everything, will you just sit down?”

“Not sure I want to. Maybe I don’t know what I want,” I shot his words back at him, thinking they’d give me some kind of power by flinging them at him, but all they did was expose me. I swore I felt the moment they landed, and he went still. Then he shifted in bed, letting me know I finally had his attention.

“Troye… is there something you’d like to ask me?”

I scoffed. Fuck no.