Page 103 of Fallen Rook

But he wasn’t talking about the sun, and we both knew it.

I cried, naked, exposed, and broken. The sunset our only witness. It would keep the secrets we shared in this forest. He kissed every single inch of me, every nook and cranny of my body, until every cell of mine felt touched by the winter sun. And the more he kissed me, the more he told me how perfect my blemishes were, how lovely the scars made me, the harder I cried.

“It hurts to breathe, Tom,” I hiccuped, dangerously close to sobbing territory.

“I know.” He kissed the heel of my foot, brushing his thumb over my ankle. “It’s growing pains, baby.”

I wanted to snort. To crack a joke. I did neither.

“Remember when you were little, and your bones hurt, because you were growing?” Tom kissed each toe individually.

“Y-yes.”

“Well, it’s the same now, but instead of pain in your bones, it’s pain in your soul. You’re coming out of your shell, baby. Embracing who you are. That takes courage.”

Time wrinkled around us, losing concept and meaning. After kissing his way down my body, he kissed his way up. It was soft and romantic, without a trace of passion.

By the time he reached my chin, the sun had completely set, and the chill settled across my skin like a blanket. I was exhausted like I’d never been before. Emptied of feelings, words, and thoughts.

“H-happy birthday.” I somehow worked the words out of my mouth. My whole body was trembling, my cock still soft and unaroused. Dried, salty tears peppered my chin, neck, and chest.

I’d never felt less attractive.

But I’d never felt more wanted in my life.

“Thank you.” Tom leaned down to kiss my mouth gently. “So far, it’s the best I’ve ever had.”

And maybe he was right, after all.

Because something had awakened inside me on that evening, under that sunset.

Something I’d kept asleep for a very long time, tranquilizing it any which way I could.

But it was wide awake, alert, and alive now.

And I knew, from this moment on, it was never going back to sleep.

On our way back from our hike/picnic/my mental breakdown, I returned to my normal self.

More or less, anyway.

Thoughts of coming out—as deranged and unlikely as they were—had planted themselves firmly in the back of my head.

The soldiers would lose all respect for me. My brothers would lose their shit—for business reasons, but still. Mama’s heart would be broken. I was supposed to be her “normal” son, even though if she looked closely, she’d see I was anything but. And the fragile deal with the Russians would implode.

But…

Tierney and Lila would be proud and happy for me. Achilles and Luca would no longer make jokes about my sexuality—I didn’t think they’d care much, one way or the other—and I’d finally be able to live my life freely.

Or would I? Tom still wouldn’t be caught dead with me.

And since he was the only person I wanted to be with, and couldn’t be with in public, my motivation was currently nonexistent, more or less.

Tom and I went back to the house, keeping the same distance we had when we climbed the mountain. We showered together, cooked dinner, and fucked a couple times. We found his boss’s chessboard and played—I won, but had an unfair advantage, having been brought up playing chess—and went to bed.

We had to wake up at five in the morning to head back home and beat traffic. Tom seemed completely awake and in good spirits. Of course the ghoul was a morning person.

The drive back felt much shorter than our way to Lake George, but maybe because all we had waiting for us was a reality neither of us was excited to face.