Page 96 of SnowBound

23

ABIGAIL

My hands shook as I uncapped the pen and stared at the blank page, not knowing what to write, but trying to let my heart do the talking.

Dear Mother and Father,

Merry Christmas to you both. This is Alexi, your grandson. He and I wish you a happy holiday season and send love your way.

We haven’t talked in a long time, and I feel that since the Holidays are an opportunity to start afresh, there are things I need to tell you.

I’m sorry I’m not the child you wished me to be and that our relationship ended how it did. It was never my intention to upset you, but you have to understand this is my life, my baby, and my body, and I was the only one entitled to make a decision about any of this. I’m sorry you couldn’t give me time to figure my life out and were too ashamed of me to see I needed your help, your support, and your love more than anything else. I’m sorry I believed I was the most important person in your life and that you would want me to be happy instead of lost and sad. And alone.

You know what? I’m done making excuses for the decisions I’ve made, for who I am, and for the person I'm becoming. I shouldn’t have to justify my choices and my actions to you or anyone else.

I’m an honest, brilliant, and talented woman, and I’m making the most of a situation I hadn’t planned for but wouldn’t change. No, it’s not always easy and sometimes I’m tired, but Alexi and I, we are thriving. We are happy.

As much as I love you, I will never shy away from who I am to please you anymore. I’m a grown-up woman and proved it many times over. From now on, I’m done feeling like I don’t belong or like I’m not good enough.

I AM good enough. And I’m even more than good enough. I’ll be the best in what I choose to do with my life. And I’ll prove it to you. Well, I’ll prove it to myself. And my son. Because he deserves the best version of me. I’ll work nights and days, and I won’t stop until I reach the top. If it doesn’t please you, you have no obligation to be part of our lives, but if you feel like you could accept me the way I am, maybe we can make it work down the line. Maybe one day.

No matter what you decide, just be aware I'm done shutting down my light so you don't get offended by my glow. I'm a shining star, and I love how bright I radiate. I love how I shine because it’s my special power. I’m my own superhero. In my life, all I’ve ever tried to do is to please you and everyone else, always putting myself last. I wanted to be part of your world so bad, but no matter how hard I tried, I just never fit in. I was always the outsider. I’ve been for a long time. I know it now. I can see it.

The thing is, I’m not mad at you anymore. Not really. My only wish is that you accept me how I am, with my strengths and flaws, my ups and downs, like I do with you. In the past, I’ve always felt like it wasn’t enough. Perhaps this could change if you’d like to get to know the real me, not the one I always had to pretend to be. Being a mother made me realize being a parent is a difficult job.

There is no right or wrong way to do it, but you gotta give it your best. Every second of every day. You gotta show up and do the work because no one else will do it for you. I also realized that loving your child, as he or she is, shouldn’t be a chore; it should come naturally. It should be straightforward. Nobody is perfect after all.

I love Alexi with every fiber of my being. My son is my pride and joy. The best thing that has ever happened to me. His smiles fix bullet holes in my heart and his hugs chase the gray storms of my life away. I wish you could experience it yourself because nothing else equals the pure and raw happiness he gives me in this world.

If you ever want to meet us, my phone number hasn’t changed.

I wish you the best, and I hope you are happy.

I’m not ready to forgive you today, but I’m deciding now I’d like to one day.

With love,

Abigail

My heart banged in my chest as I folded the paper in three after rereading the letter, placed it in an envelope with a picture of Alexi and me dressed in our best Holiday attire, and sealed it. I had done it. One step toward forgiveness. Or reconciliation. If they wished for it too. The ball was in their camp now. At least, even if they refused to meet with us, I’d know in my heart I tried.

Tomorrow, I would mail the letter.

And pray some Christmas miracle would happen.