Page 30 of False Promises

My lungs collapsed. I blinked. The air coming in and out of me burned my throat, as if flames licked its lining.

This was it. The day I had to move on too. The first day of a new chapter of my life. I ventured a look around me. Huge smiles. Happy demeanor. Lively chatter.

Was I the only one stuck in the past?

I coughed and fastened my grip around the boy now fully awake and jiggling in my arms. The older Jack got, the more he looked like me. Unruly dark hair, steel-gray irises, piercing gaze. He laughed at something, and I kissed his cheek. “I love you, buddy, and I always will. You’ll forever be my family, mine to love and protect, no matter whom your mama chooses to love. I’m not going away, okay? Never. You’ll always be able to count on me. I love you so much. Whatever happens, you are my son. That will never change, I swear.”

We exchanged a glance, and when he smiled at me, the first few pieces of my fragile heart, that hung loosely inside my chest cavity, found their way back to one another.

Jack put a finger between my lips, and I kissed the small digit.

“You and me, buddy, we’re cut from the same tree. No matter what happens in my life, your mama and you will always be my top priority. That’s my promise to you.”

I blinked my tears away as I watched Dahlia and Nick kissing as if they were all alone in this world at the altar. Dahlia wrapped her arms around her husband’s neck, and he lifted her up, both of them smiling like fools. Fools in love. Fools now united for life. Something I never seemed to achieve for myself. No matter how hard I tried.

I swallowed the searing rock down my throat, wishing I could have what they had. Wishing I could have the bride. That she’d love me as much as I loved her. Wishing I could love this way. And be loved just as much.

Or wishing I could have a bride. One person loving me without any conditions or what-ifs. One I could see myself growing old with. Was it Dahlia I still wanted or the idea of an us? Right now, I couldn’t tell.

The ceremony ended.

This wedding was a déjà-vu. It dug up memories I never thought I’d revisit someday. Images of my brother kissing Dahlia and promising her forever a long time ago. Or more like almost four years ago to be exact.

How many times would I be able to go through this? Dahlia getting married? Dahlia promising forever to another man? Dahlia stomping on my fucking heart and I watching her do it without being able to stop the pain?

The Mistake, the one with the capital M, it annihilated me. Forever.

Why was I still hanging on to it even years later?

There was something wrong with me. If not, nothing could explain why I was being an idiot.

Could there be a sadomasochistic part of me relishing the pain?

And here I was, thinking I had made progress in the last few months. Maybe this was a relapse. Or the closure I needed to move forward once and for all.

Jack’s smile grew wider, and he caught all my attention.

“We can do this, buddy. Hills men against the world. Hills men stick together. For better or for worse.”

“Cattter.”

I nuzzled his neck, and he giggled. Warm, innocent giggles. The ones able to glue back together all the broken pieces of me every time I heard them. The ones telling me I was still alive. That I could pull through the pain.

“Yeah, buddy. I’m right here.” He planted a drooling kiss on my cheek, and we both watched as his mama and Nick walked down the aisle, a halo of light around them, their happiness visible probably even from space.

“Mama is pretty,” Jack said against my neck, clapping his hands together.

“Yeah, she is. Always has been.”

The clamp around my heart tautened.

Dahlia’s eyes locked on mine, and we shared more in our gazes than any word could.

I’ve always loved you. Mine said.

I know. I will always love you too. Thanks for everything. Hers replied.

A part of me wished it’d been me.