Page 26 of While They Watch

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I sit on the bed as I pour some water first on my hands, cleaning the dried blood off the best I can, and then over my injured foot. I didn’t find any kind of first-aid kit in here, so I have to make do with what I have. I rip a long piece of fabric off the bottom of one of my extra shirts and use it to wrap my foot, wincing as I pull it tight. I get dressed as quickly as possible before stopping and searching the floor. Abel’s items are everywhere after I destroyed the room. The one thing I really want is his extra water bottle. When I find it, I open it and see that it's still full, so I stuff it into my bag before shrugging it on.

Before I run to the door, I reach into my jacket pocket, making sure I still have the bullets, but what I feel first is my phone. I pull it out and press the on button again. It doesn’t turn on and I consider throwing it on the bed and leaving it, but for whatever reason I shove it back in my pocket before confirming the bullets also made it through the last couple of chaotic days.

As I step outside, I’m relieved to see the sun hasn’t fully risen yet. The day is still young, and I feel hopeful that this is the day I’m going to find help for Luke… and for Abel. I’m walking fast, forcing myself to ignore the pain in my foot. I don’t have time so I can’t think about it. I have to keep moving no matter what. I can’t slow down.

Each day I’ve tried to keep track of time but after so many days of non-stop walking, time has stopped feeling like something tangible. What I know is that I’ve been walking for a long time. What I don’t know is how far I’ve gone or if I’m making actual progress.

As the sun continues to rise, I turn my face up to the sky, letting the sunbeams warm me. I bring my hand up to my eyes, shielding them from the bright light as I think I see something. I step to the side, so the sun moves behind a tree and as my vision clears, up ahead is a tall wooden structure. Some sort of hunting perch, I think. It’s basically just half a box with a ladder attached to the side, but I’ll take it. My first thought is clear; Abel. I start yelling his name, running to the ladder. I fly up the rungs but am disheartened when I get high enough, to see over its walls, it’s empty. Heavy disappointment weighs on me, my whole body tensing to hold it. I’m trying so hard and whoever or whatever is supposed to be watching over me isn’t doing shit. I look up at the sky, screaming, “I need help! Please! Why won't you help me?!”

I take a couple deep breaths before climbing back down, feeling defeated and fragile, but I don’t let myself sink into these emotions. I just keep walking, putting one foot in front of another. I’m not going to give up, even if I’m alone here. I focus on the sounds of my steps, not wanting to let myself sink too deep into thoughts. The sounds around me eventually lull me into a daydream which is only broken as something lightly bounces off my face. I blink a couple times, taking a step backward as my eyes focus. Confusion and anger course through my body as I see the heart shaped locket swaying from a tree branch. I reach out my hand and grab it, yanking it free. I grip it tightly in my hand, closing my eyes as I will myself to not fully freak out.

I feel an unexplainable urge to keep this memento of a child long gone, but then I remember who left it for me. ‘They’re tricky.’ I can’t take any gifts from them. That’s what they’re waiting for. I spin in fast circles, searching for any of them lurking in the trees before chucking the necklace as far from me as I can.

“Leave me alone! I don’t want anything you have! You’re wasting your time!” The cathartic feeling that was growing in my gut quickly vanishes as I see something out of the corner of my eyes. The sound of fast footsteps following it. I turn toward it but it’s running and all I can see is a blur of black. I try to track it, but my eyes are too slow to keep up.

This feels different from the creature that has been stalking me. This is dark, the creature I have seen is pale, white like a corpse. There’s a slow snap of a twig, and when I look up, I see it now in the distance as it sees me in return. A big, black bear steps toward me, edging out of the shadows of the surrounding trees. I find no comfort in it being something I recognize. This very real animal has just as much potential to harm me, if it chooses to do so. I don’t know very much about bears but what I do know is they all react differently. I force myself to hold its gaze as I stand up tall, trying to make myself bigger than I am. It takes a huge step forward, so I scream at it, “Go away! Get outta here!” It’s not working though. The bear stands up on its hind legs before slamming its front paws down onto the ground, hard. The forest floor shakes underneath the force.

I don’t have time to panic and I know running would be my last mistake, so I slowly reach behind me, grabbing the part of the gun sticking out of the top of my pack. I try to pull it out, but the bag is closed so tight that the gun isn’t budging. I carefully wiggle it back and forth, trying to loosen the zipper as the bear walks toward me. I yank on the gun, faster and more aggressively until finally it comes free. As I point the gun in front of me, the bear has started running. I take a shaky breath, aiming the gun at the animal and silently thank Luke for convincing me to go to that shooting range when we first met. Otherwise, I don’t know if I would be brave enough to fire a gun. When I go to click the safety off, I’m startled to discover that I never had it turned on. I can’t worry about that right now as I place all my hope in this gun. I squeeze the trigger and the shot knocks me backward a step. My ears are ringing so loudly I feel like I’m going to fall over.

I look up quickly and the bear is gone but when I don't see any blood, I don’t let myself get comfortable. In a flash, I turn around and run back through the trees. I have a feeling this isn’t over and I need to put distance between me and the animal. Frustration and fear mix, as I realize I’m completely turned around. I have no idea if I’m running deeper into the woods or back the way I came. I hear something crashing through the trees behind me. It sounds like it’s tearing down everything around it, but I keep running, my foot screaming in pain with the continuous impact on the ground. My breathing becomes so ragged, it feels impossible to keep going.

I look around the best I can, trying to find where to go, where it’s safe. Then I see it. The hunting perch! I’ve never been more thankful to be backtracking as I sprint for the sanctuary. I try to throw the gun up into it, but it's high enough that it misses and falls back to the ground. Panicked, I grab it again and throw it harder. This time, it doesn’t fall and that’s good enough for me. I practically fly up the rungs, hurling my body over the waist-high wall. I land on my side but don't stop yet. I scan the floor until I find the gun, grabbing it and sitting as far back from the ladder as I can. I hold the gun in front of me once again, a quick memory flashing in my mind, reminding me that I need to reload it. I can’t explain how, but instinct takes over, and I grab the arm, pulling it back hard. The shell pops out before I shove it back in feeling the new bullet lock into place. I aim the gun, ready to shoot anything that comes up.

Once my breathing has slowed, I hear soft footsteps walking around below me, followed by huffing. Something hits one of the supports, causing the structure to shake with the impact. I look sideways as I hear its nails scratching the wall next to me. Fear grips my insides, my stomach twisting, making me feel sick. After everything I’ve been through, this cannot be the way I die— a random bear attack when I’ve already escaped so much. The floor underneath me is shaking, the wood creaking and groaning. The bear is going to tear this place apart and me with it. I close my eyes, taking deep but shaky breaths.

It goes quiet, and everything gets still as the soft, slow footsteps suddenly walk away. I stay where I am, clutching the gun, too scared to stand up and look. I’m not sure how long I stay like this, waiting for death to climb that ladder but eventually I have to know if it’s finally gone.

I flip the safety back on the gun and stand up, scanning the forest below. I don’t see or hear anything, so I collapse back down to the cold floor. The shock of the chase is wearing off, and I’m now able to feel how icy the air is on my face.

My foot hurts so bad; I can feel the throbbing all the way up my leg. I have an overwhelming urge to pry my shoe off, the feeling of confinement taking over. I can’t explain why but my foot needs air. It needs to breathe. As soon as my shoe is off, I let out a sigh of relief. My makeshift bandage has bled through, and I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know if I should rewrap it or let it be for a while. Could opening it up risk infection or will keeping it bleeding into a soiled bandage make it worse? I don’t know–both options feel bad. I let the questions circle around my mind, hoping the right answer will become obvious.

While I wait, I rummage in my bag for some water and food, only letting myself have a few sips. I want to conserve the water for as long as possible. I’m already running low on the camping food Luke brought. I suppose he didn’t think he needed to bring much knowing I wouldn’t eat most of it. I never thought I would be upset at a lack of freeze-dried meals, but as I stare at the last two options, I groan. I’m left with one last bland granola bar and a meatloaf packet. “Shit,” I say to myself. I don’t like meatloaf on a good day much less like this. I consider for a moment, if starving would be a better option before shoving the granola bar into my pocket for later. Meatloaf it is! What’s worse is I still have no way to heat it and I’m sure as hell not wasting any water to rehydrate it. I eat as fast as I can, shuddering at the last bite and then laugh at myself. I can fight off monsters, run away from a bear and sleep in the woods alone but this meal… this might be what takes me out.

A sharp pain shoots through my foot and my first thought when I look down at it is to change the bandage. I follow my intuition and pull it into my lap, untying the fabric. It peels slowly off the bottom of my foot, the fabric clinging to the dried blood. I wince as I pull it away, revealing the surprisingly small puncture wound. I pour the smallest amount of water onto a clean section of the bandage and use it to clean the wound. The bleeding has slowed almost to a stop, which is a relief. I dig through the backpack for the same shirt I used earlier, but I can’t find it so I grab the bottom of my new flannel and rip.

“Another one bites the dust, I guess.” I rewrap my foot and as I start to put my sock back on, I first turn it inside out, hoping to keep as much bacteria away from my wound as possible. Getting the shoe back on now that my foot has been free is miserable. It’s become swollen after being free so I’m forced to yank the shoe on, gritting my teeth so hard that I worry I’m going to break one. Eventually it gives and my foot slips inside. I lay back, breathing heavily, sweat dripping down the sides of my face.

As I look up toward the sky, I see a small squirrel perched on one of the half-walls of my shelter. I smile up at it, feeling a little delirious, “Maybe I should just cut it off? Thoughts?” The squirrel stares back at me, running its hands over its face before sitting up a little taller and sprinting away. Right as it’s out of sight, I hear a loud crash coming from the trees beyond, followed by another and then loud footsteps running toward me. I sit up, panicked, grabbing my gun and aiming it back toward the ladder. Whatever is down there grabs the perch. I can feel it climbing as my body shakes with every step it takes. I flip the safety off, placing my finger on the trigger. My heartbeat in my ears is so loud that I can’t hear anything else. Right as its head emerges over the wall, I don’t hesitate. I shoot.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I drop the gun, my hands shaking uncontrollably. That wasn’t a bear. I wrap my arms around my legs, rocking myself as I try to figure out what I saw. It happened so fast. I didn’t have time to think–I just shot. A horrible feeling sinks into my stomach as I realize what I’ve done. I think I saw long dark hair and something bright right as I pulled the trigger. The sound of the thud replays in my mind. I’m scared. I don’t want to look, but I need to be sure.

I lean forward, getting on my hands and knees before slowly crawling to the edge. I reach up and grab the top of the wall, pausing before reluctantly pulling myself up. I stand, my body shaking as I look over the side. Lying on the ground is the body of a woman. Her head is turned away so I can’t see her face but her dark hair is lying spread around her. I can see it soaking up her blood. The same blood that’s splattered across her vivid, green jacket and I think to myself, ‘She will never get that stain out.’ I don’t know why I think that as I realize this woman isn’t going to get to do anything anymore–because of me. My stomach clenches hard as I feel vomit coming up. I sprint to the other side of the structure and throw up. I’m glued to the spot, clinging to the wall as I gasp for breaths that are barely making it in and out of me. Then, I let go of the wall and am pacing back and forth as my thoughts race around my mind. I can’t make sense of anything I’m thinking. I’m wringing my hands to keep from tearing at the skin on my fingertips when I feel something sticky. I hold my hands in front of me, seeing that they’re covered in fresh, thick blood. It's dripping off my fingers. I cry out and close my eyes. I don’t want to see. Frantically, I wipe my hands on my pants. I don’t want to see it, I can’t see it. Make it stop, make it all go away. I’m struggling to focus on any one thought or feeling. I’m drowning in broken emotions as the world is spinning around me. I fall to my knees, letting out a bellowing scream before falling over and curling into a tight ball. A scream echoes back out of the forest, one that I know well. Something taps the floorboards underneath me as I hear heavy footsteps walking below. I don’t care. I don’t move. I don’t react. I lay still and quiet, not caring if I live or die. Let them come up and take me, but I already know they won’t. That would be too easy– they don’t like easy.

With my last remnants of hope, I reach for the backpack, pulling it close to me. I can’t make myself sit up as I dig through it, searching for the walkie-talkie. I pull it out, bringing it close to my face after turning it on. I need to hear Luke’s voice. Please be there.

I press the button, “Luke? Are you there?” All I get back is static. “Luke… please answer me. I’m lost… I’m scared.” I hold in my sob, knowing if I give in now I’ll never be able to keep my composure enough to speak to him. The static seems to grow louder as it keeps pouring out of the speaker.

Just as I’m about to give up on it, the static stops and Luke’s voice comes through. It’s so incredibly faint, like a whisper. I sit up quickly, gripping onto the lifeline. “Luke?! Are you there?” Another quiet whisper followed by crackling white noise. I move the walkie-talkie right next to my ear, trying to hear better, hoping it’s really him and not a cruel trick of my mind. A high-pitched tone screeches out of the speaker. So loud, it feels like it might burst my eardrum. I drop the walkie-talkie, grabbing my ear with a wince. Quickly, I pick it back up but it's quiet. Disappointing silence is the only thing coming from the device now. I press all the buttons, turning it on and off but nothing works. He’s gone–if he was ever there at all.

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They have been running underneath me and through the trees. They yell, scream, cry, and beg. They call for me until my name ceases to mean anything. I hear small, plunking sounds as if they are throwing things at the structure. I don’t move, I can’t. The breeze blows the smell of blood up, making me gag. I choke on the horror of what I’ve done and know that I’ll never be the same. Now, I’m a murderer. I cover my ears with my hands, trying to drown out the noise from below and wait for tears. There should be tears by now, but I can’t feel them. I can’t feel anything at all. I’m empty.

I lie in the same spot, watching the sun slowly go down and the moon take its place. Once it's dark, I stare up at the stars as I shiver silently in the dark. The tops of the trees block a lot of them, but I can catch small glimpses. They’re so bright tonight, brighter than I remember them ever being before. They’re beautiful, helping me forget just for a moment before the vision of dark hair and blood comes flooding back. I can’t understand why this is all happening. Have I been such a bad person? Do I deserve this? All my life, I’ve tried my best.