Page 81 of Hidden

My phone rings. I look at the screen, and already know something is wrong, because something in my chest tightens the way it always does when I see his name. It’s not dread exactly, it’s more because at the moment I don’t think there is any good reason for him to be calling.

"I'll see you in the morning," I tell Juno, waving my phone to her.

She looks at the screen, and nods once giving me a smile.

I answer.

"Hey."

"Hey." It’s Dan. It’s the slow version, great this means something is coming, and I’m not going to like it. "You got a minute?"

"I'm walking back from practice. What's going on?"

The pause lasts longer than I would like it to. "The program costs are going up. There’s a new treatment block starting next month, it's residential, which means…"

"How much?" I cut him off. I already know this has pissed me off, he was doing well, then he has to fuck it up.

"Sadie…"

"How much, Dan?"

He tells me, I have no words, and I look around. I have no idea for what, there’s no one here to help me.

"I have savings," I say. My voice is completely level. I'm very focused on keeping it completely level. "I'll use those."

"You don't have to…"

"You’ve not given me a choice." I lose the calmness in my tone, because he knows there is no other way. "It's fine."

"It's not fine, I know it's not fine, I just… there isn't another option right now and I didn't know who else…"

"There's never another option." My voice breaks into something I’ve been trying to calm, but it’s not easy when my brother is an asshole and never thinks about me. "Do you know what I did to get here, Dan? Do you actually know? Three years of saving every single thing I earned and then using all of it for you and then starting again from nothing and working twice as hard to get a scholarship because it was that or not come at all."

"I know…"

"And I did it. I did all of it and I didn't complain because you're my brother and I love you and I would do it all again." My voice is shaking now, and I hate that it's shaking but I can't stop it. "But I'm tired. I'm so tired and regionals are in three days and I'm standing in the cold outside my dorm, and I just need…" I stop. "I just need one thing to not be hard right now."

Silence.

"I'm sorry," he says, quietly. I know he means it, but right now it means nothing.

"I'll sort the money," I say. "Don't worry about it."

I hang up before he can respond, because I’m not in the mood for selfish people around me right now.

Walking into my dorm room, the first place my eyes move to is the kitchen counter. There're no flowers. I’m not sure what I expected.

I kick my shoes off at the door, drop my bag on the floor and then fall onto the couch and sit there in the dark.

Nobody knows I'm here. Nobody is checking whether I got home. Nobody left anything on my counter or got my order exactly right or sent a message that arrived at the right time or when I needed it the most.

I put my face in my hands.

The tears come quietly, tears I’ve been holding inside me for so long that my body has finally stopped holding it together. Because I can’t hold it together anymore, I can’t keep doing this alone, fixing everything. When is someone going to take care of me?

That’s one thing about being the person who sorts everything for everyone else, you get so good at it that people stop asking if you're okay. They just hand you the next problem and trust you'll figure it out. And you do. You always do. But who will look after me?

Nobody.