Page 146 of Harbinger

As soon as it’s in my hands, I swing it over my head like the knights-in-training do on the proving grounds.

Big mistake.

I crash, knees biting into the stone wall. Pieces of it crumble, the sword falling to the ground below, as I barely catch myself from going over the other side and tumbling down the mountainside. My nails scrape against the rock as I dig my fingers between the stones. Sliding the last few feet to the ground, I land on the stupid sword and slump into the wall, bits of moss and dust showering my head and shoulders.

Bishop steps in front of me. “That’s why it’s a wooden sword.”

It’s a pretty good reason.

The first time he hands me a sword, and I nearly fall on it. A lump forms in my throat, tears clogging behind it. This is impossible.

“Arden.” My name is soft on his lips, like maybe he cares.

But now, I don’t.

“If you want me to quit,” I seethe, voice rising until I’m shouting at him, “just fucking say it.”

He takes a single step toward me, stopping when I shoot him a murderous look. “I don’t want you to quit. I want you to know why you’re here.”

“You just want me to fall apart.”

“That’s the only way you’re going to put yourself back together.”

I’m still shaking as he hands me water and turns away, like he can give me back a piece of my dignity. I don’t know how to pick up the rest of it—the rest of me.

There’re too many parts of me that don’t fit anymore. And one piece that’s gone forever. I collapse around that hole in my chest. Sobs wrench through me, sadness dragging me into a pit that I can’t climb out of. Not with this wrecked body. Not while I’m this tired.

Not without Kieren.

Deep beneath the sorrow, in the very marrow of my bones, an ember ignites as if it’s been waiting for my grief to spark. “He’s dead …” I gasp as the strange heat continues to rise, threading through me like I might catch fire. Not now. Not like this. But I can’t stop it any more than I can hide from the truth. “He tried to save me, and he’s dead.”

Bishop crouches, angling his head to find my eyes. “The truth is that a good fighter needs a reason to fight.” He meets my gaze and doesn’t look away, not even when my breath stutters. The flame inside me shrinks from him like it’s afraid of being seen. “You have a reason now.”

“That’s what I was proving to you?” I choke out through my tears.

“No.” A crease appears between his eyes, something of a storm lingering in them. His hand lifts like he might reach for me, but he curls it into a fist instead. “That’s what you’ve been proving to yourself.”

“Because I’ll never prove it to you.”

He shakes his head. “I knew you were a fighter when you let the oscen go.”

He smiles at me. The first real smile he’s ever offered me. The sight douses the smoldering cinders in my blood until I can breathe again.

Something loosens in my chest and tumbles free, leaving a space for the one question that’s buried like a knife in my chest.

“Are you the heart collector killing everyone?” The words rush out. The question that’s been between us since the night I ran away. The night Kieren died.

He hesitates, like the answer might break me. “No.”

He was right.

And I fall apart.

Because I ran away for nothing. I didn’t fight hard enough in that clearing. I offered myself up as a sacrifice instead of grabbing a sword. I made a choice, just like I did in the Royal Astrolatory, and it was the wrong one. Again. I don’t know how to trust myself anymore. Not after everything that happened.

And Bishop has known that the whole time. He’s just been waiting for me to admit it to myself.

I look to him with blurry eyes, but somehow, he’s still in focus, still right in front of me like he always is. “How do I do this?”