Page 53 of X: Command Me through Alexander’s Eyes

Chapter Nineteen

Clara sags against me, boneless and spent. I make no effort to break our bonded bodies. I’m still too anxious to release her in any way after her disappearance from the party—even physically. She’s barely hanging on, so I turn to carry her to the bedroom. I step into the hall and realize I have no idea which room is hers. I’ve never been farther than her kitchen.

“Right,” she says so softly I barely hear her.

Her bedroom is at the end of the hall. A window overlooks the street below, but at eye level, I can see only the outline of trees cast by street lamps. There’s a bookshelf, half-filled with novels, and a few boxes shoved against the wall. In the morning, I’ll investigate further, discover more about Clara’s life. Tonight? I just want to hold her.

Her eyes open sleepily when I lay her across the bed. She watches me with drooping eyelids as I strip off my tuxedo shirt and crawl into bed next to her. It’s smaller than the hotel bed we’ve shared, but there’s enough room for me to wrap my body around hers. The only space I leave is enough room to stare into her beautiful face.

Now that she can’t run, it’s time to face what happened. “About the party—”

A hand slides free from my arms, and Clara holds up her palm to stop me. “Don’t worry about it. We both knew they weren’t going to like me.”

“They shouldn’t have been so rude.” She shouldn’t forgive them this easily. Dismissing their behavior won’t earn her any points with my family. It will only prove to them that they can bully her into silence. And if they can do that, they can bully her into disappearing entirely.

She bites her lip as if searching for a way to refute this. Instead, she says, “Edward was nice.”

If only that mattered. I love my brother. I wish I could tell her that he’ll stand with us, but he’s got his own reasons for not rocking the boat. She needs to understand that he’s only an ally to a point. “Yeah. Edward understands what it’s like to be an outsider…”

I stop myself before I can betray his trust. Edward might not be her knight in shining armor, but it’s not my place to share his secrets. Although, I know Clara won’t care that he’s gay or share his secret. Her silence suggests she understands that. I want to tell her to be his friend. I want to hope for that. But I don’t know what that means. For her. For us. For me.

There’s only one truth I’m certain of, and it’s somehow the most unexpected realization of all.

This is the only place I want to be: here, holding her, ignoring the outside world. In this moment, I would choose her above everyone else. I would give up everything I am to be the man that gets to go to bed with her at night.

But for how long can I pretend that’s possible? How long before someone in my family finds the right button to push? The one that makes her see I’m not worth the trouble? How long before my father sends me away from London and her on the premise of fulfilling my duty? How long before she realizes that a prince doesn’t actually mean a happily-ever-after?

“I’m home safe, and you’ve damn near screwed me to sleep,” she says after the silence extends to a breaking point. “You should go back to your father’s party.”

“I don’t want to go back to the party.” I don’t want to go back to that life.

“X, it’s your father’s birthday.”

I suppose it’s normal to see a family event as an obligation. Most people don’t think of them as torture sessions. Of course, most people don’t have national celebrations of their birth. “Exactly, and he has hundreds of people there to kiss his ass. He won’t even miss me.”

“I doubt that.”

I shake my head. She’s still thinking like a normal person. That’s going to have to change. “You’re right. He might miss me if he needs someone to yell at.”

“I’m just going to go to bed.” She stretches, her soft body lengthening in my arms and yawns.

Does she really want me to go? Is that why she’s pushing me to go back to the party? I prop myself up and study her for a moment before kissing her shoulder. Maybe she’s saying what she thinks I need to hear. It’s time I make it impossible for her to push me away. “I want to go to bed with you. Earlier wasn’t enough for me. I have things to do to your body.”

“This body” —she yawns again— “needs to rest. I have no idea how you’ve got that much stamina. It shouldn’t be physically possible.”

Or maybe, she’s had a long, emotionally draining day, and I’m a wanker. What would a boyfriend do? I catch her trying to hide another yawn. “We can sleep.”

“You want to sleep here?” The question lurches out of her like she doesn’t know what she’s asking.

Maybe that’s not what a boyfriend would do. I might have to resort to asking for pointers on this relationship thing if I’m going to get everything wrong. “Is that not okay?”

“Sure. Of course, it’s okay,” she says a little too quickly, rolling over so I can’t see her face. I gather her against me, breathing her in, and wonder if she means it.

She’s definitely putting up with me. I’ll take what I can get, but I’m going to have to ask someone how to handle moments like this. If only I knew a single person with a normal relationship.

“Alexander,” she says, drawing my attention back to her. “Earlier when you said you didn’t want to hurt me…”

Of all the topics I thought might come up, I didn’t expect it to be this one, especially not twice in one night.

“I had my reasons for saying no before,” she continues, “but—”

“There’s nothing more to say, Clara. You don’t owe me,” I stop her. “I don’t need that.”

I can’t ask it of her. I won’t take the one thing she begged me to leave her. Not when being with me leaves her at risk of losing everything else.

“What do you need then?” There’s frustration in her voice. Maybe I’m not the only one wondering how to make this work.

Somehow that thought gives me hope. I’d rather be muddling through this together than fucking it up all on my own.

“You,” I tell her, meaning it. “Sleep, poppet. All I need is you.”