Page 108 of Backlash

I don’t bother pulling around to the back. I have an hour before Ginny returns from dance lessons with Ellie, and Malcolm is at the office. I’d rather not drag boxes across two wings of the house and down the servant corridor. It feels strange, but somehow necessary, to pause at the front door and ring the bell. Felix answers it with record speed.

“You don’t need to knock,” he says.

“I think I do,” I say. “If for no other reason then to train myself that this isn’t home anymore.”

“How does that feel?” He steps to the side, allowing me to enter.

“Strange, but not painful.” I squint as I search for the right way to explain it. “It feels right. That’s what’s weird about it.”

He nods, an understanding smile turning up his lips. “You’ve moved on.”

“I don’t think I ever felt at home here,” I confess.

Felix pauses as if considering this, but he doesn’t dwell. “And your new place at the Eaton? How does it feel?”

“Like I live in a hotel.” I suspect it will always feel that way. I’m already considering whether I could sell it and find myself a little house somewhere near the Bluebird offices. Nothing fancy. Some place to call my own.

“It will get better.”

“I should get going. I can’t wear things like this to work,” I say with a grin, gesturing to my linen shorts and think tank top I’d worn to pack my belongings. “I’ll probably take some things today, pack up the rest, and arrange for someone to come and get them. Did you get my message about boxes?” As much as I want my belongings, especially my underwear, I know there’s no way I can get everything I own in the Roadster. I considered renting a truck, but given the restrictions I’ll face moving things into the Eaton, I thought better of it. I already located a local moving company and got them scheduled.

“I did, but…” Felix hesitates, a slight hitch in his voice. “There’s been a development.”

I incline my head to the side and study him. His Adam’s apple bobs nervously. It’s not like Felix to look so anxious.

“What is it?” I ask. I didn’t think the pit in my stomach could get bigger. I was wrong.

“Your things have already been packed up and moved to storage.” He shakes his head. “I tried to reach you as it was happening, but you weren’t answering your phone. After Sterling came here looking for you, Malcolm had the staff do it. By the time your message reached me, it was done. I should have told you, but I worried you might not come back to the house.”

“Are you serious?” I race up the stairs toward my rooms. I sure as hell wouldn’t have come back to this house, not if I’d known my brother tried to entirely erased me from it. I’m breathless by the time I reach my bedroom. There’s a handful of boxes, covered with a tarp, and a fresh coat of white paint on the walls. My feet won’t move. I’m stuck in the doorway, staring at what my life to this point has been reduced to: an empty room and white walls.

I’m still there when Felix reaches me. He puts an arm around my shoulder.

“I wonder which box my underwear is in,” I say dumbly. He squeezes me closer to him.

“The girls marked everything. I’ll find it,” he promises.

How could my brother do this? I’d given up everything for this family—for him and Ginny and Ellie. I’d put up with our father. I’d done everything asked of me. And the first time I took a step outside the boundaries they had given me, I’d been packed up and relegated to storage. I lurch forward, crossing to the tarp and tug it free. There’s three boxes under it, all marked: garbage. Ripping off the packing tape, I open the first box to discover stacks and stacks of battered notebooks. Stomach acid burns my throat. I don’t know what’s more sickening: that he nearly threw away my old journals or that he likely read them. I open the other two and find books and photos, even a framed picture of me with mom a few months before she died.

“What did they pack?” My voice startles me. It sounds a million miles away. I turn to Felix, holding my memories in my hands.

“They said everything.” He stares at the photographs and notebooks in horror. “If I had known…”

“I know,” I stop him. There’s no way Felix would have allowed them to toss my past aside like this if they had consulted him. I doubt any of the other household staff would, either. That can only mean one thing. “He ordered them to do it. He told them to throw this away.”

Somewhere in storage, I’ll find boxes of clothing and shoes. Things I need, but things I can replace. What Malcolm nearly took from me was priceless, and he knows it.

“Why does he hate me?” I ask Felix in a soft voice. “What did I ever do?”

“You had the courage to leave.” Felix places his hands on my shoulders and turns me to face him. “Courage he has never had. His whole life has been following in your father’s footsteps. Even now, he’s still doing it. But you? You walked away from all of this. You struck out on your own.”

“That’s not the only reason.” I dare a look at Felix. “We both know it’s about who isn’t here any more. But how could they hate me for that?.”

“Love is a tough concept for your family.”

“It’s a hard concept for me, too.” My thoughts wander to Sterling. I know what love feels like, because not a day has gone by in the last five years where I haven’t thought of him and felt it. The trouble is, like my family, I never understood what to do with those feelings.

“The trick is to find someone worth loving,” Felix tells me. “Find someone that challenges you. Find someone that makes you a better version of yourself. Someone you want to come home to and tell about your day. Someone you can talk to about everything.”