Page 36 of Cross Me

“Out with it,” I said, dumping a pile of socks into my suitcase. At least I wasn’t expected to wear stockings and heels on a race track every day.

“Would it be so bad if people found out?” he asked.

I snorted. He didn’t have a clue. Yeah, he’d been photographed every moment of his life, but it was hard to explain what it was like to have people dissecting your reproductive status. “You sound like X. He doesn’t understand why I still want to keep it a secret.”

Edward opened his mouth, his eyes drooping with a guilty weight, but Belle interrupted him. “Why do you want to keep it a secret? Really? Announcing it would only boost attention to the Games.”

“I don’t want everyone to worry about my pregnancy when they should be thinking about more important things. The status of my womb shouldn’t undermine charity.”

“Is that really the only reason?” Edward pressed.

I stopped and considered it. If there were any two people I could be truthful with about how mixed up I was feeling, it was my best friends. But I hadn’t shared how complicated it felt, even with Alexander. It felt wrong somehow to admit that I was more apprehensive than excited. “First of all, I love this baby. I want that to be clear. I will do anything for my little majesty.”

“Awww! That’s adorable,” Edward said, “but it sounds a little ominous.”

“Once people know, I feel like they’ll just look at me like some gestational machine. I mean, Elizabeth hasn’t even turned two yet. I can’t even believe I’m knocked up again!” I confessed.

“She’s nearly two,” Belle pointed out. If that was the best argument she had, I was in trouble.

“It’s weird, okay? Having people obsess over when you’re going to have a baby. People guessing what you’re going to name him or her. Crowds waiting outside the hospital for you to drag yourself out of bed and pretend that you’re not in massive pain so you can smile for a picture. I mean, can you imagine if every news source in the world was keeping track on the inner workings of your womb?” I asked her.

“I have a Clara pregnancy tracker app,” she whispered.

“You have a what?” Edward and I asked at the same time.

“It tracks my pregnancy in comparison to yours and gives me tips on how the Queen handled pregnancy concerns. There’s pictures of you throughout your pregnancy with Elizabeth as illustrations. I got it on the App Store,” she admitted weakly, rocking on her heels. “I thought it was funny.”

“Oh my god.” I couldn’t even comprehend such a thing existed.

“I thought it was kind of sweet, too,” she added quickly.

“Maybe for my best friend.” I buried my face in my hands. My life was too weird.

“But you’re right, I wouldn’t like that,” Belle said. “I think it would drive me crazy.”

“And they’ll be looking for any signs that something’s wrong,” I continued. I was on a roll now. I’d tried to ignore all these little things, but they were adding up and wearing me down. “If I wear the wrong thing, they’ll say I’ve gained too much weight. If I go out with makeup, they’ll say that I’m trying to hide how sick I am. And God forbid I’m seen without Alexander, then there’s trouble in our marriage.”

“Is there trouble in your marriage?” Edward asked softly.

I opened a drawer and rummaged through it, unsure how to answer. Was there? I didn’t think so. I was as committed to Alexander as ever. I loved him and nothing would change that. But things weren’t exactly smooth sailing.

“Clara, you can talk to us,” Belle interrupted my thoughts.

“I’m fine!” I slid the drawer shut so quickly the picture frame on top of the bureau toppled over. Picking it up, I looked into Alexander’s eyes. It was a photo from the night he’d proposed. Someone—my mother, I think—had given me the frame as a bridal shower present. I’d planned to replace the photo with one from my wedding. But that day had gone horribly wrong, and what pictures existed were a sobering reminder of why there was a strain on Alexander’s and my relationship. We didn’t have normal lives. It was silly to pretend otherwise.

“We’re fine,” I said. “I mean, it was never going to be easy, right?”

“Have you ever thought maybe it should be?” Belle asked. “At least a little?”

“So, your marriage is perfect?” I snapped. The truth was I didn’t know that much about her marriage. Only what she shared with me. I didn’t spend time with her husband. We didn’t double date or go out to dinner. And unlike hers, my marriage was the subject of scrutiny. My best friends not only knew what I told them, but they also had an unlimited newsfeed of stories analyzing my life. There was no telling what my best friends had read. I wanted to think they wouldn’t believe any of it, but now, as they sat here watching me carefully, I realized they might.

“What do you want to know?” I asked, sinking onto the bench at the foot of my bed. “There are a lot of rumors.”

“Does he really forbid you from going out?” she asked.

I blinked rapidly trying to process the question. Why would she ask me that? We’d talked about this on a number of occasions. She’d seen him tell me I needed to stay in or take a security team. They’d both been there when my life had been threatened. “Only some of the time when there’s a security threat.”

Edward’s gaze darted towards her.