Page 24 of Complete Me

“You should take that down,” he suggested.

“It is rather hard to get things done with your father reproaching your every action,” I muttered in agreement.

Norris chuckled softly. “It might feel that way, but you should take it down because you must stop seeing yourself through his eyes. Stop looking at yourself from the past and accept the man you have become.”

“What kind of man is that?” I whispered, unsure what his answer would be.

“A good one.”

11

Luggage waited inside the bedroom, and I stared at it, wondering if Clara had bothered to pack for me. Despite my recent conversation with Norris, I had waited for the morning. She was due to leave for Balmoral in an hour. If she wouldn’t speak to me, I wouldn’t ruin her Christmas. It was a cowardly thing to wait until the last moment, but the the very real possibility that I would spend the holidays drinking bourbon won out over bravery. Even through the walls I could hear the flutter of activity in the nursery. I took one deep breath to steel myself and followed the convenient passage that led from this room to my daughter’s. Inside Clara and Penny were busy checking for all the last minute items they needed to gather for travel.

I watched my wife, her hair gathered into a knot at the back of her neck and her slender body showcasing a lovely navy dress that offset the fairness of her skin. I imagined slipping it from her shoulders and kissing each of the dozens of freckles that dotted them. We’d seen each other in passing, but I had done my level best to give her the space she desired. It wasn’t a selfless act. It was one of desperation. I’d hoped time would heal the rift between us, and that if I could show her that I respected her wishes it would undo her pain over that night. But she fled from me in the halls and took her meals in private. She had granted me access to Elizabeth, but on those occasions, she’d left me alone with Penny. With each passing day my resolve to allow her to find her way back to me—if she so chose—weakened a bit.

Penny glanced up and froze. Of course, it wouldn’t go unnoticed to the nanny that my wife and I weren’t speaking. Her sudden awkwardness caught Clara’s attention. My wife swiveled to face me, and we stared across the room at each other.

“Penny, will you go check in with the driver?” I asked her. It was a pointless errand, meant to send her away. We all knew it, but she curtsied and dashed away. I didn’t wait for Clara’s reaction. Instead, I went to Elizabeth, who was busy gnawing on a wooden block on the floor.

“Come to your daddy, Princess.” I picked her up and held her close. Without Clara by my side, our daughter had been the one tangible link I had to my wife.

Clara had made it clear that she had no intention of leaving me. Or had I merely imagined that? The thought of losing either of them was unbearable. I buried my nose against Elizabeth’s fine curls and breathed in her baby scent. I’d always known that I didn’t deserve Clara, but I knew now that I needed her. I wouldn’t survive without them. After a few moments, I decided I couldn’t avoid it any longer. “Can we talk?”

She planted her hands on her hips as if considering the request. Finally, she shrugged. “We’ll have the entire trip to Scotland to talk.”

So, she did expect me to come. I hadn’t expected that to be the case, so I hadn’t made preparations. “I won’t be coming,” I told her softly. I felt a small squeeze of hope when disappointment flitted over her face. “Not yet, poppet.”

Facing her, I knew that I had to find a way to put the past behind me before I could give all of myself to my family. I planned to take Norris’s advice. Clara needed to know what I had been keeping from her. But that wouldn’t make the issue go away. If I ran away to Scotland, this mystery wouldn’t be solved. Once I laid it to rest, I’d be able to be the father and husband they both deserved.

Clara turned away, but I caught the slide of her throat. Was she swallowing back tears? I couldn’t stop myself from going to her. With Elizabeth in my arms, I couldn’t touch her but I needed to be near her. I needed her to know I was there. When I reached her, she shook her head. “You have to come! Everyone is expecting you, and Elizabeth will be disappointed.”

“She won’t know.” As much as I’d like to think that my daughter missed me in my absence, she was far too young to realize when I was missing. I couldn’t blame Clara for pretending to be concerned for our daughter though.

Clara dared a glance at me, tears swimming in her eyes. “She will, and Edward will want you there.”

Apparently, she was going to continue to cast her own desires onto others. I couldn’t allow her to suffer over this situation any longer. “Sit down.”

“Don’t order me around,” she snapped.

“Please sit down and talk to me.” This was what she wanted. She’d begged me to open up to her. Why did she have to be so infuriatingly stubborn and beautiful and kissable? To my relief, she sat down in one of the nursery’s rocking chairs. Crossing her arms, she glared at me. I hadn’t expected her to make this easy, but how could facing my angry wife be scarier than addressing Parliament?

“I’m listening.”

It was a start. I decided it was best to jump right in rather than risk testing her patience. “First of all, I don’t want to push you away, and I don’t want to keep secrets from you.”

“Then stop keeping secrets from me,” she said in a flat voice.

“Okay, I’ll try that.” I paced in front of her, clutching our daughter. Elizabeth seemed to sense my anxiety and she placed a tiny, reassuring hand on my cheek.

Clara held her arms out. I hesitated, not wanting to give up my lifeline. Then I thought better and handed her the baby. I needed Clara to stay calm. I needed her to listen. There was a better chance of that if her maternal instinct was turned on.

“I’ve spent most of my life keeping secrets. My secrets. My family’s secrets.” It was an excuse, but I needed her to understand where I was coming from. “I don’t want to keep things from you. I don’t think I even mean to most of the time.”

Clara raised her eyebrow in doubt. “That might be true, but when I ask you directly, you still refuse to open up. I thought we were past this when we got married…”

“And I keep doing it,” I finished before she could. “I wish I had some brilliant insight as to why I’m so thick. I really do. All I can do is try and plead for your mercy when I fail.”

“You can start by telling me what has you so worried that you’re acting like a git.”