Page 108 of Save Me

There’s a moment of silence. I glance up to see pain in Micah’s eyes. Pain where there’s usually sweet, enthusiastic kindness. Genuine kindness.

My chest tightens so much it hurts, pain gripping around my ribcage like talons.

I’m hurting Micah. The only man who has been truly kind to me.

Pain, pain, pain.

I hate this version of me. This isn’t me. This isn’t me.

“I…” I stare at him, hovering on this moment. Every old instinct says not to show weakness. To turn around and run. And yet, those blue eyes still look up at me with…kindness. Still. Despite everything.

I can’t face them. I turn away, my heart racing, and say, “When I go on my walks, I’m not walking; I’m throwing food away because I can’t eat it.”

The confession feels odd in the bathroom, and I wait for Micah to do something. To mock me. To judge.

But because I’m facing away, I can’t see him.

So I keep talking.

“I want to sleep all day and be up all night, but I don’t want to sleep during the day either because of the dreams…” I glance down to see that Minky has moved up to start chewing on my socks with his needle-sharp teeth. No longer cowering.

I crouch down, petting him. Minky ignores me and goes for the bath towel instead.

“I can’t keep living in a hotel; it’s driving me crazy.”

I mean, I punched the shower wall. That's something Arthur would have done. I’m turning into him.

My breathing grows faster and faster.

I hear Micah crouch down behind me, and I wonder what the hell he’s thinking. Does he think I’m crazy?

I turn to glance at him. He sits criss-cross applesauce like a kid, pursing his lips. “I swear I saw a demon by the dumpster the other day, but turns out it was just a shadow.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I’m with you. I think I’m going a bit stir crazy.”

I stare at him. He picks at his fingernails. I don’t think he’s mocking me. Or judging.

In a blank tone, I ask, “Do you think I’m crazy?”

“Crazy? No.” Micah puts his hands in his lap. “Traumatized? Yeah. I mean, Arthur did a number on you, but then…what we had to do…you know? It’s not something people usually see.” He glances down, face flushed.

Right. He also participated. He shot Arthur to keep me from feeling guilty.

Something cold and hard slams into my gut at the same time as my cheeks get so hot I feel like I have to hide my face.

I don’t deserve this man. Like even a little.

I need to be better. Be less…angry. Less freaked out. For a minute, I think through how in the hell I could do that. I could try to be less grumpy. Try to be less angry. I need to try.

But the thought makes the back of my throat hurt. How am I going to do that? How? I can’t even sleep.

“You know, back when I lost my dad, I got put on meds. They helped at the time.”

Immediately, I balk. I don’t need meds. Meds are for crazy people, and don’t they come with a bunch of side effects? I don’t fucking want that. What if they change me?

Micah gives me a worried look, and I look back down at my hand. My knuckles are split, and they’re pounding and hot.

Fucking hell, I punched a hole in the wall and scared Minky. I can’t sleep. I’m hurting Micah. Turns out you can try to stop playing old games, but sometimes they still play you.

I have to try something. I need off this ride.