Page 95 of The Blessing

chapter 36

the background

My relationship with my father has been on shaky ground as of late but I can’t contain myself in this moment. I’m far too elated to resist. Out of everyone in the world, my dad’s the first person I want to call to share my good news with. I’ve barely talked to him lately but calling him now almost feels like second nature to me. It reminds me of the times when I would go to him for everything. He used to be such a strong, influencing presence in my life. Which sounds strange when I think of it, considering what I fuck-up I had been back then. Even when I was brawling, drinking, and whoring around I still looked up to him as the type of man I wanted to be one day: the type of man who could hold any situation together.

Just hearing his voice over the phone makes me feel like a little kid again: excited to tell my dad about my good news. I remember how thrilled I’d be whenever I had a new drawing or an impressive grade to show him—back when I cared about that sort of thing, of course. That was long before I went to high school and started acting like a complete shit. It’s strange to think about the sort of relationship I had with my dad before all of this shit happened. Maybe one day I’ll find it in my heart to forgive him and move on, and maybe then we’ll be able to go back to the dynamic we had before.

“Trevor?” I hear my dad’s voice tremble as he answers the phone. He’s obviously shocked that I’m calling. I’ve been avoiding him like the fucking plague, and now I feel terrible for it. Despite what he’s done, he’s lost so much over this past year. And the idea of losing me too must be unbearable for him. “Son, is that you?”

I smile at the sound of his voice, despite myself. “Hey, Dad.” I can imagine him smiling over the phone as he remains silent. Cutting to the chase I quickly tell him, “I’m calling because I have some news. Some really good news.” I can’t wipe the smile off my face. Just thinking about being a husband in the near future has me fucking giddy. “Giddy.” A word which I never fucking use. “I asked Ronnie to marry me.”

“Are you serious, Trevor?” he quickly responds. I can hear the pride filling his tone. “What did she say, son?”

“She said ‘yes,’ ” I reply with a grin.

“Trevor, that’s amazing!” I hear his voice is shaking, and I wonder if he’s crying.

The last time I heard my dad cry was when… when Dean died. This time, however, he sounds happy. I’ve made my dad happy. I’ve made him proud. I can’t begin to explain how that makes me feel. I never thought that would be possible for me. Sure, he could fake it now and then, but these past few months have made me feel as though I’m actually worth something in his eyes.

“I’m so proud of you, son. I can’t believe my boy is getting married!”

“I can’t believe it, either,” I say, joining in on his contented laughter. It’s a strange bonding moment between us, and I feel uncomfortable all of the sudden. I won’t forget about his faults, but I still want a relationship with him. With my brother gone, I really want my father actively involved in my life.

I want to smooth things over with him. Despite his flaws, he’s still a good man. Fuck, I’ve made so many horrible decisions in my life and he’s accepted and loved me without conditions. Of course, he provided me with “tough love” when I needed a swift kick in the ass, but that didn’t mean he didn’t forgive me all the same. I need to work on forgiving him. I need to salvage our relationship. Grey needs his granddad in his life. I can’t take that away from him because of my own grievances.

Still high off of Ronnie’s acceptance of my proposal, I suggest we get together. “Why don’t we get together sometime soon? It’s been a while; I miss you.” The words leave my mouth before I can really consider what the fuck I’m really saying. You know it’s the truth, Trevor. I do fucking miss him. But I’m not sure if those feelings will change when I finally do see him face-to-face. “Maybe you could bring Felicity along, as well?” I sound so fucking formal, but what am I supposed to call her? Mom? Not fucking likely. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to call her that. She abandoned me as a baby, after all.

“Sure, son,” he says after a few heartbeats. I wonder if he’s hesitant, or just surprised that I want to make an effort to know this woman. “She’d love that. Just tell us a day that works best for you.”

We make plans for two days from now before saying goodbye. It felt good talking to him. For a moment, I forgot about all the bullshit between us. I’m starting a new chapter of my life and I’d like to just put all the crap of my past behind me and fucking torch it. I don’t want to have to dwell on any bullshit in the future. So, I’ll do my best to resolve this shit with him and this Felicity woman.

“Trevor, babe, you look fine, I swear. If you would stop fidgeting I’d be able to do this,” Ronnie says with an exasperated sigh as she lathers my face with shaving cream.

I’m too fucking nervous to do any of this myself. Although, I’m not going to admit that to her. Instead, I had told her I wanted to be close to her. Which I’m sure means the same thing. The last thing I want to do is seem needy, but Ronnie’s presence really calms me and today will mark the first—and hopefully not last—time I really talk to my biological mother.

“You look so tired, babe,” Ronnie says with a frown as she takes the razor blade to my face. “Did you sleep at all?”

I kept myself distracted most of the night with Ronnie beneath me, on top of me, and on her knees before me, but once she fell asleep I couldn’t fall asleep regardless of how hard I tried. I spent the majority of the night with my eyes closed, just hoping that something would come and knock me out so I could actually get some rest. So, my body’s now tired and my mind is reeling with the possibilities of every way things could possibly go wrong today.

“I slept a little,” I lie as I watch her through the mirror.

She bends down to kiss the top of my head before she finishes shaving my face. She then picks up a pair of scissors to give my hair a trim. She insisted on the haircut, probably because she remembers how calming the experience was for me last time. That’s one of the things I love about Ronnie: I never have to tell her about the shit I’m too embarrassed or afraid to say out loud. She’s always one step ahead of me and seems to know exactly how I feel before I know. It’s like she’s known me my entire life.

“Everything is going to be fine,” Ronnie assures me. I’m sure if I’d say it as much as she does, I’d start to believe it, too. “Besides, you’ll have Grey and me there with you. It’ll be fine.”

“Fine,” I say, testing out the word. While “fine” doesn’t sound too hopeful, I suppose I can live with it. It definitely won’t be “great,” that’s for damned sure. “It’ll be okay. I just don’t know how I’ll react when I see them together.”

“I guess we’ll find out,” she says. After a moment she begins to tame my unruly hair with her scissors. “Just know that no matter what happens, we’ll be able to come home and relax. At the end of the day you have Grey and me, and that’s all that matters.”

She’s right. Everything else is just extra. I have to learn to accept the things I can’t change—something I’ve heard time and time again at my A.A. meetings—and my mother and father’s life choices are something I’ll never be able to govern or understand. The only thing I can control is how I react to things. I’ve got to promise myself that I won’t go off on my father—no matter what happens between us today. This is supposed to be a day to celebrate my engagement, not a day to rehash all of our shit.

“You’re right. Like always, babe,” I say as I turn my head to kiss her on the stomach.

She giggles at the feeling of my lips against the ticklish skin of her stomach and steps away. “Hey, at least you’ll look really handsome today,” she says with an exhilarated smile.

Handsome to her. I’m not sure what my mother will think when she sees me, but to hell with it. She left me and never gave a shit about getting to know me until my father was finally single. She can take me like I am now or leave me. Either way, I don’t give a damn.

The whole “not giving a fuck” ploy dissipates as soon as I see her. Felicity, my biological mother, is a complete stranger to me. However, I can feel the warmth she radiates as soon as I look at her. There’s no denying there’s a familiarity about her, but that doesn’t change any of my feelings toward her. Regardless of the strange connection I feel—I can’t forget about what she’s done. Or what my father has done, for that matter. I put on a brave face, carrying Grey in one arm and holding onto Ronnie’s hand with the other as we make our way to my parents’—God, it feels fucking strange saying that—table in the corner.