Page 82 of The Blessing

I hand him picture. I work hard on it. It me, Dean, Daddy, and Mommy. It make Daddy happy.

“This is amazing, buddy! You did a great job!” He smiles and then kisses my head. “Can Daddy have this to put in his office. I want to show everyone at work your great picture.”

I smile. I made Daddy happy! He like my art!

“Yeah, Daddy! You have it, Daddy!”

“Thanks, buddy. Daddy’s so proud of you.”

I shoot up in bed and wipe the sweat from my face. What the fuck was that? Dreaming is so rare for me—so, when it does happen, it always feels like an electric jolt to my system. My eyes shoot wildly around my dark bedroom as they fill with tears. I clench my jaw, trying to get control of myself. It makes me feel so weak but remembering my dad that way fucking hurts.

I want to feel angry. Anger is so much easier to deal with than disappointment, and that’s what I feel when I think of him now. So fucking incredibly disappointed. He’d been my hero for so long—the only one whoever seemed to truly care for me. I grew up with the opinion of him being perfect—but I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have been so fucking naïve. No one is perfect; regardless of how much you idolize them. When I was younger, my dad was like a superhero to me—but now he’s just a regular human being, flaws and all.

I can disapprove of his behavior… but can I truly hate him? He’s loved me unconditionally. I think about all the times he’s shown me his love without any hesitation: He loved me when I got expelled from high school. He loved and supported me while I was getting my GED. He loved me when I decided to leave home to travel around the U.S.. He even loved me when I was strung out on drugs and alcohol. He loved me when I returned home, no longer the boy I was when I left. He loved me when I became Grey’s guardian. He’s supported me every single step of the way, regardless of his feelings about my behavior. Even when he didn’t like me—he loved me. Doesn’t he deserve that same unconditional love? I wipe my watery eyes before any tears escape. Suddenly, all I want to do is call my father.

Ronnie stirs awake beside me and gives me a sleepy smile. Stretching her arms high above her head, she asks, “What’s wrong, baby? Can’t sleep?”

I shake my head. Thank fuck it’s dark because I don’t want my girl to see me like this. “I just had a dream. It woke me up.”

She runs her hand up and down my arm in a comforting gesture. God, I love her.

“Do you want to lay back down with me?” I fucking sniffle in response and I know my girl heard it. “Trevor? Baby, what is it?”

I shake my head again, worried that I won’t be able to control my emotions if I start talking. Ronnie sits up, kisses my shoulder and wraps her arms around me. We sit in silence. She doesn’t press me, but instead, waits until I’m ready to confide in her.

“I just had a dream about my dad.”

“A bad dream?”

“No, it was a really good memory,” I quietly state. “When I was in preschool I used to draw him a ton of pictures. I drew a few for my mom, but she never wanted them—so, Dad would take them and tell me how proud he was of me.” I hate talking about shit like this. It makes me feel like I’m that vulnerable fucking kid again.

“He was a good dad, wasn’t he?”

“He was great,” I answer, honestly. “I try to emulate him all the time when I’m with Grey.”

As fucking pissed as I am at him, I still want him in my life. He was, and still is, an extremely supportive parent, who wants nothing more than to see me succeed. Although, I’m repulsed by his actions. I’ve always thought cheating was the worst thing you could possibly do in a relationship. Nevertheless, I’ve been the “other guy” quite a few times when I was fucking young and stupid. I’m disgusted, angry, and very disappointed—but he’s still my father and I love him. I need to talk to him about this. I can’t just write him off and have him become another ghost in my life.

“I’ll call him tomorrow. He needs to know that I don’t hate him.”

Streetlights break through the blades of the blinds, illuminating Ronnie’s beautiful face. She gives me a soft smile and nods her head in agreement. “It’s hard to see our parents as normal people who are just as capable of making mistakes just like we are. A year after my mom died, my dad started dating again. I was absolutely devastated. I wanted him to mourn for my mother until I was ready to move on. I stopped talking to him, and would treat his girlfriend, Nickie, so horribly. I felt ashamed of my actions later on and I apologized to him. He told me that, considering my age, he expected nothing less. I was a young girl who lost her mother. He understood that and forgave me, telling me he was sorry, too. Now, we get along great, but for a long time I truly hated him.” Ronnie pauses, shaking her head at the memory. “I think you’ll feel better when you talk to him.”

“I think I will, too.”

He’s offered me his love without conditions, so it’s about time I do the same.