Page 76 of The Blessing

“I was just wondering if we could meet up somewhere? I need to talk to you.”

He pauses for a moment and I wonder if he’s taken aback by how serious I sound. “Is everything all right with you and Grey?” he asks, sounding unsure.

I wish something was wrong with me. I’d rather have it be that than being faced with this shit. This is completely out of my control and that makes me so uncomfortable. “We’re fine, Dad. I just need to talk to you about something else.”

“That’s fine.” He sounds hesitant. “Does tomorrow night work?”

“Tomorrow is good,” I respond in a monotone voice.

“Should I make a reservation for more than just us...” my dad trails off, sounding just as uncomfortable as I feel.

“No, I think we need to have this conversation alone.”

Dad is silent, and for a moment I wonder if he’s considering what this conversation may be about. I don’t usually like to talk about heavy shit. I rarely discuss things with him without him having to drag it all out of me, so I know he knows something is up. He says an awkward “goodbye,” effectively ending our conversation. I throw myself back against the hot, leather seat of my truck with a huff. Running my hands through my hair and yanking on it, I try to release some of my pent-up tension. The smell of dirt and nicotine fills the air around the construction site and right now, there’s nothing I want more than a Marlboro 27. Fuck, I can practically taste the nicotine on my lips. I glance at the clock on my dash and see I still have a half an hour left of my lunch break. Turning the key of the ignition, my truck roars to life—rattling a bit before it settles into a smooth idle. I decide to grab a coffee, which has become my good friend since kicking my smoking habit to the curb.

The shop isn’t too busy, thankfully. I order a medium coffee and try to get my agitation under control. It doesn’t take me long to notice him as I wait for my drink. Of course, he’d appear out of fucking thin air the second I’d given up looking for him. We make eye contact, and this time he doesn’t run away. He gives me a small smile and closes his laptop, as if asking me to join him at his table. As soon as my drink is ready, I grab it from the barista and head over to his table, still astounded he’s here.

“Travis,” I greet him, unsure how to act around him after our last encounter.

I take a seat across from him and find he isn’t as skittish as he was the last time I saw him. Perhaps he was just nervous about the whole A.A. thing. Hell, I know I was nervous. Therefore, I can understand how shitty it’d be to run into a friend when you want to remain completely anonymous.

“Hey, man,” he calmly says, taking a sip of his coffee.

Shit, it really must’ve been A.A. because now he seems like he’s back to normal. We fall into a casual conversation about work—but our last encounter still looms over us like a giant fucking elephant in the room. I wait for him to bring it up, believing it’d be less awkward if he did it considering he was the one who ran away from me. As the minutes tick by and he remains tight-lipped on the subject, I decide to go ahead and ask. I’ve never been good about tiptoeing around stuff. I usually just blurt shit out without an ounce of grace or skill.

“Why didn’t you talk to me last time we saw each other? I’m new to A.A., so I might not exactly know how this shit works, but I wasn’t going to press you about anything. I just wanted to talk. I don’t know why you felt the need to run away from me.”

Travis’s whole demeanor changes and he looks like he’s really been beating himself up over what happened. His brows are drawn together in frustration and runs a hand through his hair like it’s a nervous tick of his. Finally, he gives me a small, friendly smile and he’s back to the Travis I know.

“Sorry, man. I was honestly just nervous about you seeing me there. I didn’t want it to fuck with your opinion of me. I shouldn’t have run off like that… I honestly don’t know why I did it. My body reacted before my brain could, I guess.”

“It’s fine,” I say with a shrug. “But I don’t know why you’d think me seeing you there would make me think any less of you. I mean, you know I’ve had a problem with drugs and alcohol in the past. I’m obviously not in a position to judge you for that.”

Travis gives me a sad smile. He looks for a moment as if he wants to say more but doesn’t. It’s getting late and I know I’ve got to get back to work soon. I quickly scribble my number on a napkin and slide it across the table to him.

“Just in case you ever want to talk about it… or just talk in general. I’m here for you, man. We haven’t really been friends since I left—but now that I’m back and I want to change that. I have to be honest, when we first ran into each other, I was so short with you because it felt like you were a constant reminder of the past. But I know Dean would’ve wanted us to be friends, now that he’s gone.”

Travis takes the number and puts it into his pocket. His face softens, and he says, “Yeah, man. I’d like that.”

We part ways on good terms this time. With all the shit that’s been going on, it’s nice to have something positive come out of today. I want Travis as a friend—especially if he’s struggling like I am. We can lean on and help each other; I know that’s what my brother would’ve wanted. I can’t shun everything from my life that reminds me of Dean. He was a loving guy and I know he would’ve wanted me to be happy. While any reminder of him is a hard pill to swallow I know if I’m going to keep my sanity—I’ll have to learn to deal with things that are troubling. Travis is a link to my past and the memories he conjures up are positive ones. They are memories of my time with Dean. And as painful as they are, I don’t want to forget them. Fuck, I wish he were still here.

I’m afraid that no amount of mental preparation will get me ready for this meeting with my father. I decide to spend the afternoon with Grey in an effort to distract myself. As I look down at his wide eyes and open expression, I promise myself that I’ll never lie to him—never hurt him. Seeing him now, so wide-eyed and innocent, I wonder how anyone could hurt their child… intentionally or otherwise. He’s so young and hasn’t experienced the pain life can dish out. I want to spend my life protecting him from everything, but I know at some point I’ll have to let him go and experience life for himself. One day he’ll understand what pain and disappoint feel like. And while I wish I could shield him from those feelings forever, I know I can’t because right now, my own feelings of pain and disappointment have me feeling like shit. Tonight, I’ll face my father and I don’t know what the fuck I’ll say or do.

He’s only human. I know this, but kids grow up idolizing our parents. When they don’t meet our heroic vision of them—it makes us question everything we thought we knew. I hope to God Grey doesn’t grow up to be disappointed in me. I hope he’ll know how hard I’ve tried to be the best father I could be for him. He loves me now, but who knows how he’ll feel in a decade or two.

I realize I’m staring off into space when Grey starts crying and fussing from his spot in my arms. “Dada!” he wails, begging for my attention.

I bring him to rest upon my shoulder, holding him close. Ronnie comes to stand in the doorway of the living room with a small, beautiful smile on her face. The love I can feel radiating from both of them makes me want to stay in this moment forever. I have everything I could possibly need. I wish I could stop time, so I could enjoy these last few hours before I hear my father’s truth. Ignorance is definitely bliss, which makes me wonder if I truly want to know the truth.

“We’ll be here when you get back,” she assures me as she joins us on the couch.

“Maybe I should just call it off,” I say, not wanting to regret my plans.

“If you call it off, it’ll just continue to haunt you, Trev. Just go and get it over with. It may not be what you think, but if it is, at least you’ll know. At least you won’t be in the dark anymore.”

“Maybe I want to stay in the dark.”

“Do you? This has been weighing on your mind since you saw them together.”