Page 71 of The Blessing

“I understand,” I say, chuckling at how flustered she is all of a sudden. “I was just as bad when he called me ‘dada.’ ”

“Let me take a moment to fix my face,” she says as she hands Grey to me. “I don’t want to look like I’ve been crying.” She jumps into the passenger seat and fixes her makeup in the small mirror.

While she’s reapplying her mascara, I look toward the house and see a couple staring at us through the window. The woman is slightly taller than the man, who’s standing at her side with his arm wrapped around her. She’s quite frail looking, or maybe it just looks that way because the man at her side is treating her as if she were the most fragile piece of glass. Cat resembled her mother very much besides her father’s same stubborn chin. I can’t tell if they look excited to see me. Their eyes are wide with disbelief; it doesn’t take long for me to realize what they’re staring at. I had rolled up my sleeves so I could be more comfortable in this long-sleeve shirt. Inadvertently showing off the tattoos that cover every inch of my visible skin down to my wrists. I mentally kick myself for not covering them back up. I had intended to do so before meeting them. Fuck it. It’s too late now, and frankly, I don’t give a damn what they think. I’m taking good care of their grandson, and that’s what counts.

“Is something wrong?” Ronnie asks as she steps back out of the car and gets a good look at me.

“No, it’s nothing. You ready to meet them?”

“Yep,” she says with a comforting smile as she takes my hand in hers.

As we walk toward the door, Cat’s parents move from away the window. I suppose in an effort to look as though they hadn’t been watching us moments before. The front door swings open before we can reach it, and they both give us a lukewarm welcome. I didn’t expect much from them, but I’d at least thought they’d make small talk or some shit. They go right for Grey, as if Ronnie and I weren’t even here.

“There’s my grandson,” Mae says with a bright smile. When she smiles, she looks exactly like her daughter. Although, I can already tell that aside from her looks, there isn’t much about her personality that resembles Cat. While Cat and I weren’t extremely close—she’d always treated me like I was her little brother. Even before she married Dean, she treated me like family. Her parents, however, obviously don’t feel the same connection.

As Mae reaches for her grandson, I don’t make any attempt to deny her and hand him over to her eager hands. I wonder what sort of relationship they had with Grey before Dean and Cat died. I wonder if they’d been really close or if they barely saw him at all. As soon as he’s in her arms, he begins to cry and kicks his legs, searching for an escape. “Dada!” he wails as he reaches for me.

“Buddy, it’s your grandparents,” I say in an awkward, but comforting tone.

“You don’t remember me?” Mae asks him in a sugary tone. “It’s Nana, Greyson.”

Her comforting tone must’ve done the trick because he calms down and stares up at her with inquisitive eyes. I don’t know if he remembered her, but I’m sure that deep down, he knows who she is. Lincoln steps forward and greets his grandson with eyes that are tired and weak. I know this must be difficult for him. Grey has to be a living reminder of their late daughter. I look away, feeling like an intruder on their special moment. They invite us inside, but turn away, pretty much leaving Ronnie and me standing at the door like an afterthought.

The night starts off with them practically ignoring us. Which, on some levels, I really do understand. It’s been months since they’ve seen their grandson, and I’m sure they want to focus all of their energy on him. On the other hand, though—it feels almost rude. Ronnie and I are nothing to them, but I thought they’d at least show some interest in us. Grey seems happy enough with them. I know from the looks of it that they must’ve been close at one time, but he still reaches for me, as if I was the one he’s been missing.

His eagerness to get back into my arms is what causes Mae and Lincoln to finally turn their attention to me. I thought they’d thank me for driving two days so they could see their grandson, but nothing they say to me is that pleasant. Suddenly, I feel like I’m a teenager again, back to the days where I was lectured by every adult in my life. I hated it back then—and I hate it just as fucking much now. I try to tell myself they’re only asking these questions and digging into me because they have Grey’s best interests at heart. If that were true, at least it’d be a good reason. I feel like so many people rip into others just because they’re unhappy with the choices they’ve made in their own lives. Now that they’ve reached the end of the road, all they have left is the chance to be condescending to make themselves feel better. God, I hope I’m never like that. I couldn’t imagine treating someone like shit just for the hell of it.

Ronnie holds my hand as they practically cross-examine me and manages to speak up for me every now and then. I appreciate her, but I can speak for myself. I answer all of their questions, assuring them that I do have a job and a decent apartment. They seem skeptical, but don’t say anything else. It’s not what they say, or the questions they ask that really get under my skin, but the tone they use when they speak to me. I tell myself, once again, that it’s just because they’ve lost their child. I can’t even wrap my head around how fucked up I’d be if I were to lose Grey.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch with you sooner,” I say, trying to extend an olive branch in hopes it’ll lighten them up a bit.

“I understand,” Lincoln answers, this time his tone is softer than it’s been all night. “You’ve been busy.”

“Yeah,” I agree, not knowing what else to say. “Look, I’m so sorry about Catherine.”

As soon as I say her name, I wish I could take it back. The silence in the room becomes painful, and Grey begins to cry in his grandmother’s still arms. She’s staring off into space, as if none of us were in the room with her. I reach for Grey, taking him from her arms, worried when she doesn’t move or seem to notice he’s no longer there. She and her husband must never talk about their daughter because the mere mention of Cat causes them both to become catatonic in their seats. Ronnie gives me an apprehensive smile, and Grey continues to cry as I rock him. As I think about Cat, the daughter they tragically lost and the mother Grey will never know, I begin to tear up, as well. The thought of him not knowing his biological parents will always be hard for me. The pain in the room is palpable. Everyone here has experienced the tragedy of losing someone so important in their life: they lost their daughter; I lost my brother; Grey lost his parents; And Ronnie lost her mother. We’ve all experienced the same pain, yet, we can’t seem to come together.

As if breaking the spell, Lincoln finally speaks, and his voice seems to bring Mae back to life at his side. “Thank you, Trevor. We’re sorry for your loss, as well. Dean was like the son we never had.”

And they lost them both. “Thank you, Lincoln. Dean was more than a brother—he was my best friend.” I look down at Grey, feeling choked up as I trace the lines of his face with my fingers, knowing he’s all of my brother that I have left.

We eat dinner, but the awkward vibes in the room never dissipate. Our visit with them seemed to have left them both exhausted and heartbroken. Apparently, seeing Grey didn’t have the effect they’d imagined it would. It seemed to only reopen wounds that were not fully healed. The drive back to our hotel is quiet and solemn. My mind is occupied with thoughts of my brother. Images from the past flash through my brain before my mind settles on the very last image I have of him. I’m glad the last image I remember of him is after he returned from his honeymoon, tanned and blissfully content. I’m glad I couldn’t bring myself to look in his casket; I knew it would fuck with my head. Just thinking of him and Cat reminds me of how fucking fragile life is. We act like we have all this time, but we never know when our last day could be. Everyone I know will die someday—and that’s why I shouldn’t take anything in my life for granted. I don’t know what I’d do, if I hadn’t had the chance to tell my brother I loved him. I’m so thankful for his last phone call, so thankful that the last words I ever said to him were, “I love you, too, Brother.”

I know I need to tell Ronnie how I feel. God forbid something happened to her before I got the chance to express my feelings. Or what if I died tomorrow without her knowing how I felt? As scary as it is for me to express my emotions—I know that it’s scarier not to.

Rain begins to fall on our drive back and it’s practically pouring by the time we reach our hotel. I park as close as possible and jump out of the car, grabbing Grey from his car seat before I get completely drenched. Strangely enough he enjoys the rain and doesn’t even become frightened by the lightening. Instead, he giggles as the constant droplets splash on his cheeks. Ronnie runs ahead, skipping around the puddles as they form on the ground and smiling as the rain causes the fabric of her clothes to mold against her skin. She looks so fucking angelic like this. If the temperature weren’t so cold, I’d love to play outside with the two of them a little bit longer. As soon as we enter the hotel lobby and begin to make our way to our room, I start to rehearse the confession in my head. I love you. I love you, Ronnie. I don’t think a day will go by when I feel any differently.

“Do you want to grab some dinner at one of the restaurants inside the hotel? I saw you weren’t eating much earlier.”

“I couldn’t stomach food with the way they were looking at me,” I say honestly as soon as we reach our room. “Maybe we can grab something later. I just want to change out of these stuffy, wet clothes.”

“Me, too. You were great today, Trev. You were so patient with them—even when I wanted to go off on them for being so rude to you.”

“Thanks, I guess I’m used to it.”

“I hope not,” she responds after unlocking our door and entering our room.

Ronnie runs to the bathroom to change out of her wet clothes, leaving me to smile as I watch her ass shiver before she shuts the door behind her. I set Grey down on the bed and strip out of my wet clothes and into a clean t-shirt and jeans. Grey’s trying to put his foot in his mouth by the time I come to change him. He tries to wiggle away from me at first, but as soon as he sneezes I grow worried and quickly strip him. By the time I have Grey changed into a clean onesie, Ronnie exists the bathroom, looking absolutely stunning in a long, casual navy dress that flows around her feet. She gives me a smile that takes my fucking breath away. I know I have to tell her how I feel. Just thinking about Dean’s death today has made me become so fucking emotional, and I know I can’t waste any more time when it comes to Ronnie. She deserves to know the truth; she deserves to know how deeply I feel for her.

I run a nervous hand through my wet hair, trying to will the words to fly out of my mouth. If only admitting to my feelings were that easy. I set Grey down in the middle of the bed before walking toward her. I must look serious because her smile falters and confusion fills her eyes.

“Babe? What is it?” she asks, her voice sounding worried.

I reach out and gather her hands in mine, taking a moment to gather my thoughts and calm myself the fuck down. This could very well be one of the most important moments of my life. I’ve never told a woman that I loved her before; the waters I’m about to venture into make me feel so exposed. The logical part of my brain knows Ronnie won’t reject me. She shows me that she loves me all the time, even though she’s never said the words aloud. Still, there’s a part of my mind that’s absolutely terrified. I’m putting myself out there—risking the chance of a potential heartbreak. I know I can’t think so negatively. I need to trust in her, and I need to trust in myself.

“I was thinking about my brother on the way home,” I begin, my voice soft and raw. “I was thinking about how grateful I was for getting the chance to tell him that I loved him. Weeks before he died, he called to invite me to come stay with him and Cat. You know, give me the chance to meet Grey for the first time. I knew I wouldn’t be able to come, but I talked to him anyway before whatever I had deemed ‘important’ at the time pulled me away. The last words I ever said to him were that I loved him. I’m so fucking grateful that those were the last words he ever heard from me.

“Life’s so fucking fragile, Ronnie. I can’t imagine dying without getting the chance to tell the people closest to me that I love them. I couldn’t imagine dying tomorrow without getting a chance to tell you my feelings. Ronnie, my feelings for you run so fucking deep.” She gasps, her eyes filling with tears. I take a deep breath before continuing, “Ronnie, I love you so much. I love you more than I can fucking express. I don’t want to go another second without you knowing. I loved you when you were my best friend. I love you as my girlfriend. And I know I’ll love you every single day for the rest of my life.” When she continues to stare at me without saying anything, I pause and emit a nervous chuckle. “I just wanted you to know. It’s been weighing on me for some time now.”

A tear slips down her cheek and before I can reach out to comfort her, she throws her arms around my neck and digs her fingers into my hair. “I love you, too,” she whispers in my ear. “I’ve been wanting to say it for such a long time.”

As soon as she says the words, my entire world seems to stop as I become so happy I can barely fucking breathe. She loves me. This beautiful, perfect girl loves me. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing her just how amazing she truly is.