Page 64 of The Blessing

chapter 26

nutshell

Mae and Lincoln Taylor, Cat’s parents, have been attempting to contact me over the past few days. I haven’t purposefully avoided them, but I’ve missed their calls and they’ve missed mine—therefore, the last few days felt like a game of phone tag. Honestly, I feel like complete and utter shit for not contacting them sooner. Cat was their only child… God, I can’t imagine what it’s got to fucking feel like to lose the center of your entire world. I sure as hell can’t imagine my life without Grey. Lately, my mind has been all over the fucking place. I’ve been spending so much time filing for all of Grey’s benefits and it’s been aggravating beyond belief. When I first started, I had no idea it’d be such a nightmare. That stress, combined with my job-related stress, as well as my most difficult job of all—raising a baby—I’ve had little time to think of anything or anyone outside my own bubble.

As much as I loved my brother, I was never extremely close to his wife or her family. I liked her well enough. I thought she was my brother’s perfect match, but I was never around long enough to really get to know her. She always seemed to like me well enough, too. Hell, she must’ve liked me more than I’d originally thought since she left me to care for her son. We became “friends” through Dean, and sometimes she would play the “big sister” role in my life—which used to annoy the hell out of me when we were in high school. I’ve only met Mae and Lincoln once at my brother’s wedding two years ago. They seemed nice enough, but I know I didn’t make a good impression by any means. I hadn’t been drunk at his wedding, but I had gotten to the point where my drinking became almost inappropriate. I was fine, but only the people who really knew me could tell. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t had my head so far up my ass back then. I should’ve spent more time with my family at that wedding and less time standing by the open bar, nursing my wounds from a fight I had the night before.

This morning was the first time I’ve spoken to Lincoln since the wedding. I was finally able to reach him during my lunch break at work. He’d gotten in touch with me for the reason I suspected—they want to see their grandson. I’ve known this day would come eventually, and I regret not reaching out to them sooner. They’ve gone through so much shit themselves. I can’t help but wonder what he thinks about someone like me taking care of his only grandchild. Our conversation didn’t really give any indication as to what his thoughts were. For the most part, his voice was extremely monotone—aside from the tinge of hope I couldn’t ignore. “My wife’s birthday is coming up this weekend on the fourth, and I know this is short notice, but she really wants to see her grandbaby.”The hopeful note in his voice is what made my decision for me.

Feeling so shitty about having Grey disappear from his grandparent’s lives for so long—I readily agreed to drive him to Carson City, Nevada for a visit. It’ll be a good change of pace for us, anyway. As the weather creeps toward being fucking unbearable, Colorado has become dreary and uncomfortable compared to the California heat I was accustomed to. It’ll be nice to have a change of scenery and be around people who love Grey. While I don’t mind being “settled” now, I do get a bit antsy from time to time. I went from being spontaneous every day—having basically no responsibilities—to waking up every morning knowing of exactly what’s on my agenda. This little road trip will be fun since it’ll be my first adventure with my son. I’d like to invite Ronnie along as well because I know I’ll need a bit of “moral support” on this trip. Thank fuck she’s an editor who works from home and her schedule’s extremely flexible.

I quickly dial her number, always loving to be able to hear her voice on my lunch break. “Babe?” I ask as soon as she answers. I can hear my chaotic son babbling in the background. “How are things going over there?”

“It’s good,” she replies with a tired sigh. “Grey made a mess of himself during lunch, so I’m about to give him a bath.”

I instantly feel bad for her because I know how fussy my guy can get. I wish I could be there to help her. “Well, I’ll make this quick then. I just called to ask you about going out of town with me this weekend. Cat’s parents want to see their grandson, so I was going to drive out to Nevada this weekend, so they could spend some time with him. It’s Mae’s birthday, and I thought seeing her grandson would be a good present for her.”

She pauses for a moment to tend to Grey before finally responding, “I’d be more than happy to tag along, Trev. Are we going to be staying at a hotel? I can make reservations after I get Grey down for his nap.”

I smile at her words. She’s always so fucking organized and thoughtful. “That’d be great.” Looking at the time, I quickly say, “I got to get back to work.” I love you. I’d say the words if I weren’t such a fucking coward. “See you tonight, baby.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it.”

As I hang up the phone, I hope Cat’s parents will be happy with the fact that Grey now has two people in his life that love him very much. Although, I know I’m a poor substitute for his father and mother. I’m never going to be able to give him what they could’ve given him—but I can get pretty damn close. I don’t know what Cat’s parents are going to think of me—because I barely know what to think of myself. I know if I were them, I’d be downright pissed at the idea of me caring for their grandson. I wonder if they’re mad it’s not them who’s taking care of Grey… I wonder if they’ll try to take him away from me. Fuck, they could try—but that doesn’t mean I’ll let it happen. If I thought I wasn’t good for him—then I’d might consider giving him to someone who could do better than me. However, I love him more than I love myself, and we’ll never be separated. They’ll see that he loves me, too.

I’ve got to stop this shit. I need to let go of this feeling of always needing to prove something to someone. I’m always feeling that no matter what I do in life—it’ll never be good enough. There’ll always be someone who’s disappointed in me. Well, fuck it. Fuck them. If they don’t like me—that’s on them. I can’t keep beating myself up over the fear of other’s opinions of me. I’m doing my best and they’ll either see that—or they won’t. My actions will have to speak for themselves because I know my words won’t do shit. I can say I love Greyson all day, but unless I show it, they’ll never believe me. Although, how could I not illustrate my love for him? Ronnie says it’s practically written all over my fucking mug. Every time I look at him, I feel like he’s the only thing I could ever need. And the way he looks at me takes my fucking breath away because I just can’t believe I’m someone’s world. It’s too crazy to wrap my head around. To him, I’m everything. I wonder if he knows that I feel the same way. Without him and Ronnie—I don’t know where I’d be. So, fuck what anyone else thinks.

I snort at my mental pep-talk. I want to kick myself for always thinking the absolute worst about everything. I’m afraid of them judging me—so, I’m judging them. How fucking ironic. They could be perfectly nice people, yet I’m already fearing that they’ll try to steal my son from me. I guess I can’t help it. Grey’s always seemed too good to be true. He’s a fucking blessing and the thought of losing him is like a shot to the heart. I close my eyes and pray to whomever is listening that things will go smoothly. When I open my eyes again, I determine that things will run smoothly because I say they will. I’ll go with a positive attitude, and despite what happens there, I’ll leave with a positive attitude. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I can only control my actions; there’s nothing I can do about theirs. However, I can choose how I let their actions affect me. No one can make me feel like shit unless I let them—and I’ll be damned if I let them. I’m doing a damned good job, and if they can’t see it, then that’s their issue.

“Babe, can you come in here for a second?” I ask as I pop my head outside the bathroom door.

Ronnie smiles before joining me in my cramped bathroom which is still filled with steam from my shower. My skin’s still damp from the water, causing the towel wrapped around my hips to have a tough time staying in place. Ronnie doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, she seems downright pleased with my predicament. Her eyes are filled with lust, but sex isn’t what I want. At least, not right now. I’m too fucking nervous for that. As soon as she sees the anxiety on my face, she understands and her expression changes to one of concern.

“What’s up, babe?”

“Didn’t you say you used to cut your dad’s hair?” She nods with a smile tugging at her lips as she realizes where I’m going with this. “Do you think you could do something about this, then?” I ask, tugging on the ends of my overgrown, unruly hair. She smirks and nods again.

“Let me go to my apartment and grab my scissors and I’ll be right back.”

She turns on her heel and I can’t help but watch her sexy ass as she walks away, mesmerized as it sways from side to side. This only calms me momentarily because as soon as she’s gone my nerves are back in full fucking force. I grab a chair from my room and drag it into the bathroom, placing it in front of my mirror. I want to look my best during this trip and if that means cutting my hair—I’ll do it. Maybe a haircut will boost my confidence. God, I sound like such a fucking girl.

Ronnie comes back with scissors in her hand and a pretty smile on her face. Grabbing a towel from the rack next to the shower, she drapes it across my chest to imitate those capes at the barbershops. Placing her hands on my shoulders, she smiles at me in the mirror as she assesses my hair.

“What were you thinking?” she asks as she runs one hand through my mane.

“I don’t know… something shorter maybe? Something more ‘professional’ looking, I guess.” I sound so nervous I can barely stand it. I roll my eyes at myself in the mirror and throw my head back until it’s resting against her belly. Looking up, I get a nice view of the bottom of her tits, which I allow myself to stare at for a moment before finally meeting her eyes with a smirk.

“I think I can manage that,” she says, smirking back.

I headbutt her tits—because despite my age, it’s fun to be a tad immature—and sit up in my chair so she can go to work. She rolls her eyes at me in the mirror before picking up my comb and begins to work on my hair. I sit in silence as she cuts—mentally preparing myself for what lies ahead.

When I’m not brooding over the car ride ahead of us, I’m anxious over what’s going to happen as soon as we get there and meet Grey’s grandparents. If they dislike me, it’s going to make everything extremely awkward for all of us. However, I know all I should give a shit about is Grey and whether or not he has a good time. If they don’t like me—they don’t like me. This trip is about Grey getting to spend time with his grandparents.

As soon as Ronnie’s finished, she combs through my hair with her fingers and kisses the top of my head. “There,” she says with an accomplished smile, “now you’re perfect.”

My eyes widen as I look in the mirror. I can’t remember the last time my hair was this short. It was probably when I was in elementary school and my parents still determined how my hair looked. I’ve got to say—my girl did an amazing job. I look so much more “put together” as my mother would say. I smile at her in the mirror and reach back to rub my hand up and down her arm in a gesture of appreciation.

“It looks amazing, baby. You’ve got to cut my hair for now on.”